32 Entropy Lane

Showing Up

2012-01-17T21:48:00.001-07:00

Hello snowflakes.

I’m so much better.

Oh so much better.

I’m me again. Maybe better. Brighter? Definitely.

It was like a reboot of sorts. Incredibly painful and sucky but I got through it, dammit.

I am badass. Hear me roar.

I feel beyond lucky to have such supportive friends and family. Where would I be without you?

Coinciding with my climb out of the hole of depression is my extreme inspiration from, seemingly everything:

The endless sky.
Music – specifically Lenka and Robyn, which have been pulsing from anything that would play music so loud that I could feel it in my skin, letting it seep into my pores and brighten my soul. It works. I swear.
Art – nothing specific, in fact, most of it is nameless. Graffiti here and there, a well styled print ad, the guy at the bagel shop’s tattoos.
Books! (exclamation mark intended and necessary) I read Visit from the Goon Squad and Just Kids in the span of 2 weeks and was blown away. I highly recommend both. The story in Goon Squad was creatively woven, I was in a constant state of awe of Jennifer Egan’s talent. Just Kids will stay with me for a good long while. It was intoxicating and ignited somewhat of a creative explosion in my brain. I see things differently after having read it, if that makes sense. I’m itching to press the book I love so much into the hands of my sister, whom I love so much, knowing she’ll adore it too.
PGP, HJ and Finny P. Everything I am, I owe to them. They encourage me to “just show up.”

Here’s to more happy days!

Shell

2012-01-06T13:13:00.001-07:00

I wish I could explain it to people. I try. But you don’t know unless you’ve experienced it. Being pushed off a cliff into the depths of despair.

It can happen regardless of your life situation.

I am happier than I ever have been in my entire life. I have a wonderful life and yet I am depressed.

Really depressed. Not “I’m so depressed my favorite show was cancelled.”

No.

Lying-on-the-floor-staring-at-the-ceiling-while–you-sob-uncontrollably-depressed.

It’s very common with chronic illness. It bound to wear you down being in pain all of the time. I have been on an anti-depressant since shortly after being diagnosed with lupus. And with my recent back surgery, the pain has been endless and seemingly insurmountable.

I know some people think depression is a weakness, that life is sad. That you should be able to buck up and pull yourself out of it.

There is no pulling yourself out of this.

It’s horribly dark and so hopeless and scary.

I just felt empty. Hollow.

I’ve known for a while that my antidepressant wasn’t fully doing its job.

For YEARS my psychiatrist has been trying to get me off of my current antidepressant because he didn’t think it was right for me. I kept saying no. Why rock the boat? I deal with so much medical bullshit and so many other medications that the thought of transitioning to a new medication did not appeal.

Looks like my body made the decision for me. Three days before Christmas.

Ho fucking ho.

As I said, it felt like I had been pushed off a cliff.

And then suddenly, I was drowning.

I was paralyzed. Couldn’t get out of bed. Didn’t want to eat. Couldn’t help with the kids at all. My whole body hurt. I couldn’t think straight.

Luckily, I am married to the ultimate human being and have a superhero bestie who came bearing vegan ice cream sandies and laid in bed with me while I cried. She may as well have been wearing a cape.

I finally got my doctor on the phone, explained the situation and med changes were quickly made.

And now I wait. And experience all of the quirky and horrible side effects that come with transitioning off of one medication and onto another.

***The above was written December 22***

Today is January 6 and just YESTERDAY did I start to feel like me again. I showered and actually left the house. I smiled genuinely for the first time in WEEKS and it felt SO GOOD. I can not even explain the feeling. I was jubilant. I felt free.

I debated whether or not to even post this. While talking to Meg though, she helped me realize it’s not something I’m ashamed of and if anything, posting this will educate someone or help someone else feel like they are less alone.

PS – If you do happen to know someone who is struggling with depression, do not, under any circumstances say anything like this to them “But you’re pretty and skinny. What do you have to be depressed about?” Because you might get punched in the teeth.

Keeping It Low Key…Still

2011-12-06T12:41:00.001-07:00

Ok, so I had my 2 week follow up appointment with my surgeon today and he assured me everything I am going through is normal. This was validating and I’m sure you can imagine what I had been imagining. Or maybe you can’t. It was dramatic, people.

Upon entering the exam room he said “So, how are we doing?”

Eloquent 38 year old that I am, I said “You didn’t tell me it would suck this bad.”

He laughed uncomfortably.

I’m in a better place mentally though, in less pain..sort of, and have updated my expectation management software to the current (and more realistic) version.

Can I just take a moment to recognize Peter Provost? The guy is a champ. Truly. And I would have been committed to the loony bin had it not been for him these last few weeks. The guy’s phenomenal under pressure. I will miss him being my driver, personal assistant and all around sherpa.

So, I stumbled up on the following advice last year and like a good little nerd, I copied it and put it in my calendar on 12/5/11 with the header “EMILY: READ THIS”. (I love when I do stuff like that) Imagine my delight when I opened it and read what fits PERFECTLY into my desire to “keep it low key”

Enjoy.

(via Blooma Blog – I’m sorry I don’t have the link and now I can’t find it!)

Be in charge of your holiday season. Don't let other people or advertising medium impose their expectations on you. Keep in touch with your deepest feelings.

• Keep it simple. You arrange the pace and space. (So important for keeping your kids sane, too!)
• If the loss of a loved one, financial troubles, or any serious anxiety surround you this holiday, make the season as simple and as positive as possible for yourself.

Holiday Bill of Rights:
• You have the right to take care of yourself: eat right, exercise, and get enough rest.
• You have the right to mixed emotions: happy, sad, frustrated, guilty, afraid, and thankful.
• You have the right to solitude—for planning, thinking, reflection, introspection, prayer, and relaxation.
• You have the right not to accept party or dinner invitations.

So good, right?

Our darling tree is up. A lovely wreath is on the front door. We play Christmas music every day and talk about the excitement of Christmas. I have a few activities planned (Botanic Gardens lights & Denver Gay Men’s Chorus Christmas Show) but other than that, we’re keeping it…say it with me…LOW KEY. And I couldn’t be more delighted.

Sending you some zen and coziness on this lovely Tuesday.

Enter: Reality

2011-12-02T09:51:00.001-07:00

Ok, so it turns out I’m a bit of an unrealistic psycho. (shocker, I know.)

It has been one week and 2 days since surgery. I have been diligently conferring with my Dr., whom you may know, Dr. Google, and he agreed that I am an unrealistic psycho and that I need PATIENCE and TIME. This pain is normal. SUCKY but normal and I must be tender and careful with myself.

I knew this.

But Dr. Google has a way of solidifying things, you know? (Word to the wise though, Dr. Google has some patients who are not the kooky, fun kind of psycho (me), who tried to tell me that they had disc surgery too and I was going to end up alone, in a wheelchair, never to walk again, like them. And that we should start a book club.

NEXT!

Ok. Patience. Got it. Will work on that.

In the meantime, I have a confession. I cannot understand or fathom, and am actually quite embarrassed to tell you this.

I watched not one, but TWO seasons, all in a row, of Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders: Making the Team last night. I stayed up until 1am.

Friends, What. The. Fug? My intention was to watch Melancholia but at the last minute I deemed it, well, melancholic and searched for something mindless.

BINGO!

I’m telling you. I can’t look away. Trying to armchair psychoanalyze myself, the only thing I could come up with was that I grew up in Houston, Texas. When I was little I wanted to be a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader (the pinnacle of success and beauty – eek gad) or a waitress. BIG DREAMS!! Whatevs. I was like, 6.

Happy happy Friday. Don’t let the holiday crazies grab hold of you. Remember….keep it low key.

gentle movements, peace and pain pills,

Emily

Low Key

2011-11-30T10:57:00.001-07:00

Hi kids.

Sigh.

It’s been a while.

I had surgery last week on a herniated disc that has been plaguing me for YEARS. It had just progressively gotten worse and the solutions (injections, PT were doing NADA) so I said “fuck it. do surgery” and proceeded to schedule it for the day before Thanksgiving.

It’s called a minimally invasive lumbar discectomy. Basically, they put me under, make a small incision, cut out the herniated disc part, move the nerve that is unhappy to a happier place and stitch me back up. It was supposed to be outpatient but they couldn’t get my pain under control (awesome!) to send me home so I was admitted for the night.

I am currently in the recovery part, which I hadn’t anticipated would suck balls. There isn’t relief, yet. It’s supposed to come eventually, but of course, Debbie Downer infiltrates my brain and convinces me that there will be no difference. The doc says it will take 6-8 weeks to notice the full difference. It’s been 1 week.

For two weeks there is to be: no bending, lifting or twisting. No lifting anything over 10 lbs. No driving. I can walk all I want, which I have been doing, when I haven’t been sleeping because I’m more tired than I’ve ever been. Add in pain pills and it ain’t pretty.

Yesterday I had a total pity party. Poor Peter. He works from home, so from time to time, I would just show up in his office, shoulders slumped with frowny, borderline cry face on.

Patience, he would say. You’re doing great.

It’s hard to be patient when Christmas buzz whirrs around me and everyone is rushing and talking about how much they have to do! So much to do!

And there’s me.

The turtle.

I know it’s all doable.

And it’s not a race.

My mantra for this month is to keep it low key. Imagine my delight when I received an email from MCA Denver yesterday with this picture attached.

Seriously?

FAB-U-LOUS. (I heart the beautiful naked guy in the grocery cart)

I love it and want it to be our Christmas card. I’m not sending those, by the way. Christmas cards. It’s not low key. Wouldn’t want to mess with the theme.

I just finished Mindy Kaling’s Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns) thereby cementing the fact that she and I need to be friends. It’s a quick and super hilarious read.

Today, I will be good to myself. And no pity parties. And maybe I’ll shower. Maybe.

Still

2011-10-27T10:40:00.001-06:00

Santa Fe with my Mom and sister to celebrate my mom’s 70th birthday was so lovely. We ate really amazing food, chatted, meandered and were just together, which my mom said was the best gift.

I agree. It is so rare to be able to spend that much time together with no agenda. Snapping pics just didn’t seem to be a priority but we did get one good one.

Seeing the Georgia O’Keefe museum was a highlight. Wasn’t she an inspirational bad ass? I’m not a huge fan of her work but man, I love her spirit. I bought a little card that has a picture of her on the back of a motorcycle. The look on her face and something in her eyes spoke to me. Yet another reminder to drink up this rich life and live the way you want to live.

Feeling run down post trip, which was expected.

“Move slowly” I tell myself. “Take your time. Not everything will get done.”

I want to hibernate, be still, and not talk. That’s a difficult task in this busy life.

And yet, I try.

Love this piece by Conrad Roset found via ffffound. Isn’t it beautiful?

Happy Thursday, lovers.

Good Times

2011-10-21T12:16:00.001-06:00

Good morning Glories!

Well technically, it’s 11:30, but whatever.

My sister and I are taking our Mom to Santa Fe this weekend to celebrate her 70th birthday. To say I am excited is an understatement. I am elated to be free of dependents and spend time catching up with these lovely Padden women.

Shaking things up creatively in my life has gone well, aside from an injury. (OF COURSE, you say, because this woman is full of dramatic medical garbage)

HJ and I started English riding and it RULES! I love giving up control, being in a situation where I have NO idea what I am doing, and having the instructor tell me what to do. She literally stand in the middle of the ring and says things like “HEELS DOWN, EMILY. WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR ARMS?” That may sound scary to most, but I was craving it. I’m in so much control in my life (the mama knows all!) that to not have it is liberating. I completely disregarded the fact that the other 3 people in my lesson at times are 9 year old girls. I don’t care. Their moms, who are my age, lean on the gate chatting while drinking lattes and carefully watching.

I don’t care. Let them wonder what the fuck this middle aged woman is doing learning how to ride.

Learning something new is exhilarating and empowering. And don’t even get me started on being around the horses. They are the ultimate. So beautiful and soft. Each with their own personality and likes and dislikes. There is SO much manual work involved with riding that takes the feeling of satisfaction to the next level. It’s dirty, hard work. And so worth it. I am spent after our 1 hour lesson, which is actually more like 2+hours when you factor in tacking your horse and untacking (is that a word?) after the lesson.

I adore being with Hadley as well. We chat the whole way home about our wonderful lesson and sometimes stop for dinner, just us. I’ve said more than once “If you’re embarrassed to have your mom in your lesson, just let me know.” She assures me she loves having me there. My heart swells after each lesson, when she leans in close to the horse and thanks him for letting her ride him. Oh my sweet rare bird.

Now, to the injury part.

I have had back/disc issues since 2007. I herniated a disc, then reinjured it in 2009 after a particularly dramatic roller skating fall. (Where I swear, my innards were rearranged.) And now, while learning how to post in English riding (the act of basically standing up and down on the horse – lots of leg/thigh work) and being new to it, LOTS of bouncing up and down, I have reinjured myself. Can’t get into the spine doc until November 3 or something. So, riding is on the backburner until now and the pain can be excruciating. Here’s the rub: The pain subsides with pain meds. However, the pain meds turn my mind and body to jelly. Now, at times, that is lovely and I do mean lovely. But for the majority of my day, I can’t be jacked up on Percocet. Plus, I like to be clear headed.

In short, it sucks. But whatever. Life could be so much worse. Focus on the positive, girl.

I’m still working my way through Keri Smith’s Wreck This Journal, although very slowly. I had a delightful time actually chewing on a page. Funny.

The Mindful Life Yoga For Kids training I did in September was stellar. STELLUH. I highly recommend it, even if you don’t end up teaching. Upcoming trainings are in Portland and Miami. The training itself let loose my inner child, which was immense fun and made me think about things from a completely different perspective. The director of the program, Kristen Race, is SO knowledgeable (she calls herself a “brain nerd” because she loves learning about the brain – love it) as well as being super cool. I also am seriously contemplating somehow teaching this wonderful method, although my life keeps getting in the way. To be continued...

I finally got my knipple tattoos, y’all! Yes, I did. My bubbies are complete! I put it off out of sheer laziness and because it is spendy. ($800 – covered by insurance but we all know how long it takes them to reimburse you) They look really really good, friends. I mean, they look real! I was and am blown away. The woman who did it had lots of interesting stories. She used to be a makeup artist in Hollywood and was very skilled. She looked at my skin tone and decided upon a color palette. It was all very interesting. Although, I cringed every time she pronounced “areola.” She kept saying “arEEla.” Don’t you think you should get word down as it is the majority of your work?

I digress.

It took about 3 hours to do but we chatted away the entire time and it was dare I say, fun? It didn’t hurt, as I have no sensation but later I felt twinges in my armpit or lower chest. Perhaps nerves that had reattached themselves. I would show you if you were here. I really would. I have long since gotten over the uncomfortable look on people’s faces when I say “You wanna see??” and lift my shirt before they have time to answer. That never gets old.

Let’s see. What else?

I’m reading The Space Between Us and it is beyond fantastic. Really beautiful writing and interesting characters. I find myself dreaming of when I can sneak away to read, a feeling I adore.

I’ve been listening to Beirut’s new album, The Rip Tide, almost constantly and I’m loving it.

I hope your Friday has a little bit of joy sprinkled in somewhere. I’m making pumpkin bread, packing for Santa Fe and staying in my pajamas all day.

“We read to know we are not alone.”–C.S. Lewis

2011-09-19T15:49:00.001-06:00

If you ask me to describe my mom, one of the first things I would tell you is that she’s a reader. A voracious reader. She always has been. We were a family of readers with books everywhere, trips to the library and trips to the bookstore being especially magical because we could keep that book forever.

She’s always been a writer too. A fact she would dispute by the way, but she is a writer, and a wonderful one at that. I’ve said FOR YEARS that she should submit something or try to get published or even just write for her own enjoyment but she never did. But recently she submitted an essay to a magazine asking “What does reading mean to you?”

This is what she had to say:

I can see the library shelf in my mind even now. Biographies were on the bottom rack of the children’s section in the library in Milwaukee, Wisconsin on North Avenue near Lisbon. It was 1951 and I was nine almost ten. My mother had finally allowed me to walk the mile to the library by myself. She didn’t drive. I will never forget the thrill of that walk and discovering the joy of my life, reading.

The books in the biography series were all in orange covers and arranged alphabetically. Jane Adams was the first. She was an aware and influential woman who started the Chicago Community Center, Hull House. I LOVED the book, and years later became a social worker partly because of that book and her beliefs. At home my mother put all the books she thought were too “adult” for me on the top of our bookshelf. I got a stepstool and stretched carefully to get GONE WITH THE WIND down to read. She found out when I was about halfway through and reluctantly allowed me to finish it. Thanks, Mom. It was great. I saw “damn” in print even though I never heard it at home.

I loved reading from the moment I first learned about Dick, Jane, Sally and Spot. I was reprimanded for not coming to the dinner table on time, and would walk slowly while holding a book to my face. I was told I couldn’t read at the table so I would carefully place a bookmark to mark my page and eat quickly. I used to read late at night and my mother would invariably discover me under the covers with a flashlight so the light wouldn’t be seen from under my door. She was a kindred spirit as she would say, “Stop at the end of this chapter, Ellen”.

Through my wonderful book club which I have enjoyed for 25 years I have read all types and varieties of the written word I might not have chosen for myself, but am so glad that I have read. We call ourselves “Ladies of the Club” like the famous book by Helen Santmyer that took her 50 years to write. When we started in the late 1980’s we all had teenagers, and through the years we have shared our joys such as our children’s marriages and grandchildren, our hardships of personal illnesses and those of our spouses, and sorrow over the deaths of a spouse and one of our own dear members.

What I really know about reading is that it has sustained me, entertained me, lifted my soul, broadened me, and it has become my best friend. I plan books to take on vacation before buying a new outfit. I don’t even have to go on vacation…I can read about it and transport myself, quite the benefit in these economic times!

I commented on Meg’s blog (because she posted mom’s essay too) that my mom’s writing is so rich and warm, filled with fantastic details and a unique voice. If this essay isn’t enough to convince you, I’ve saved the majority of the emails she has sent me over the years as well as a TON of the letters sent to me in college. You’re welcome to come over and read them.

My mom rules and I’m grateful every day that she’s mine.

Living a Little

2011-09-14T11:47:00.001-06:00

Bonjour Peanuts,

In my constant quest to seek out the extraordinary and do things that challenge me, it occurred to me that I haven’t been doing much seeking or anything challenging lately. So, I decided to change that.

I struggle with exercising my creativity (I guess this blog is one way to express myself creatively, but you get my meaning) so I took a baby step and got this book by the awesome Keri Smith.

I’m actually having a harder time with it than I thought. My “perfectionistic tendencies” are surfacing for sure. The first page says to stand on the page and mark it up. With your shoes on. That could possibly be dirty!

I did it. And it felt oddly liberating. I daintily stepped on the page and left a little dust mark. (note to self: do over)

Hadley read through the copy when I first got it (I told her not to tell me any of the pages) and was absolutely delighted by it. She was laughing and saying she wants a copy too! It comes so naturally to kids, to dive right in, to delight, destroy and create. I need more of that in my life.

The second page (I’m going in order, like a nerd) says to splash coffee or tea on the page. Again, I hesitated, and then I just did it. And it felt good! I look forward to creatively destroying this book. Wish me luck. (I’m going to channel my most favorite artistic old same, ELK, during this project. She’ll be my muse.)

I also signed up to become certified to teach yoga to kids. It’s called Mindful Life Yoga for Kids. It looks really really interesting.

From the website: “The method is theoretically derived and informed by the latest research in the fields of cognitive neuroscience, positive psychology, social and emotional learning, and mindfulness.”

Mindful Life Yoga for Kids is a unique and innovative program specifically designed to help children develop:

An understanding of how their brain works
Attention skills
Sensory awareness
Emotional management skills
Compassion & Empathy
Ecological awareness

I honestly don’t know if I’ll even use the certification beyond my own house. I do know that the techniques are tools I would like to have in my arsenal for Hadley and Finn.

The training is this weekend. All weekend. Friday from 5-7pm and then Sat and Sun from 9-4. I’m excited and nervous. Excited because I’ll be learning… YEAH! Nervous because lupus is probably going to be Debbie Downer as this is a lot for my body to take and I’m already feel kind of shitty. We’ll see how it goes.

And the other thing I’m doing to get out of my comfort zone is taking English riding lessons with Hadley! I’m so looking forward to it. She’s been begging for years to do it. I thought she would get over it. Who was I kidding though, this is Hadley we’re talking about. So, while signing her up, I thought “I’d like to do that too.” So, I am. We were supposed to have our first lesson on Sunday but Hadley was sick. I’ll have to get PGP to take some pics of me and my girl. I’m thrilled to be around horses. I loooooove them. And let’s be honest, the riding outfit is really cute too.

It’s an overcast day and I’m feeling fluish and achy, courtesy of Hadley and her cold. My bed beckons me.

Happy Wednesday to you. Get out of your comfort zone. It feels good. Weird. But good.

The Hustle

2011-09-08T21:00:00.001-06:00

I think most people don’t get that you have to work at being happy. You have to DECIDE to be happy and then work at it. You do have a choice.

One of the Old Sames (E) sent me many cards during the whole breast cancer business. One of them said “Keep Hustling to Keep Happy”. I loved it and had it taped up on my bathroom mirror for the better part of a year.

The minute I saw this temporary tattoo from Tattly, I loved it.

Can’t wait to put that sucker on. I’m also going to order some for the kids. They’re so cute!

Extra special shout-out to the animal loving girl who makes killer fudge. XO

Loving

2011-09-04T09:43:00.001-06:00

How incredible are these? Discovering Cecilia Parades’ work is filling my Sunday morning with wonder and delight. Love it. You can see more of her work here and here.

Coming Up for Air

2011-08-31T11:01:00.001-06:00

It’s common in my life to go for periods where I feel like I’m swimming underwater. Life is going on around me and I’m aware of it and functioning but it’s all kind of a blur and I can’t hear very well or retain anything. (is that old age? Sweet Jesus, I’m 38!)

You’ll be happy to know I’ve come up for air.

All of my tests came back “normal” from my visit to the rheumatologist, which you think would be great but my issues continued. There was literally the equivalent of a “shrug” on the phone when I talked to the physician’s assistant. Super helpful, thanks!

After scrutinizing my meds, I decided (notice the word “I”) to tweek a few things and voila, instant success. So now I feel the usual crappy instead of extra extra crappy with crap on top. SUCCESS! No really, I feel triumphant.

Things are finally settling down with the return to school and we’re getting into the swing of things.

:::insert contented sigh:::

HJ has been talking about Halloween since the beginning of August. Daily. And at length. She changes her costume idea every half hour but I’m sure it’ll be some variation on mermaid/zombie/pop star/alien. She flips right to the adult section of the costume catalog and sighs dramatically, “The adults have all of the GOOD costumes!” And by “good costumes” she means the slutty witch, the slutty nurse, the slutty zombie, the slutty doll or the slutty alien.

She sweetly picked out the costume she wants me to buy and wear because it would be PERFECT for me.

Behold:

I know. It’s uncanny, right? I mean, how could my kid pick out the EXACT outfit that I would like to tromp around in at the end of October in Colorado? Hello perfect. Those shorts look comfy too, like I could bend and squat in them. I would for sure wear those again.

A-hem.

The blue eyed devils have been extra cute lately, and by lately, I mean this morning. Ask me this afternoon at 5:34pm and I’ll tell you I never said they were extra cute.

I digress.

Hadley and I are in the midst of redesigning her room and her sketches and ideas are so super fantastical and creative. I love it. I promised her she could do whatever she wanted. It’s going to be nutty, y’all. Must remember it is not my design aesthetic. It is an extension of her personality and creative self. (I’m telling myself this more than I’m telling you.)

We are now to the part where I tell you cute stuff my people said:

Hadley (9) calls her shoulder blades her “wings” and I love it so much. She knows they are shoulder blades but I squealed with such delight when she first said it years ago that she just continued saying it. I love to envision my little rare bird as some winged creature.

Finn (7) has his share of good ones too. The way he thinks about things is so interesting, much like my darling PGP. This morning he was talking about a costume and told me he didn’t know what the “money temperature” of the costume was but he would find out.

Enjoy this video of Gala Darling’s wedding. I smiled, sighed, teared up, and felt like my heart would burst all at the same time. Don’t you just love love?

Happy Wednesday, little garden gnomes.

Dear Target

2011-08-18T10:05:00.001-06:00

If you have a daughter who is a tween or older and have shopped for clothes at Target, you may know where I’m going with this. The clothes in the newborn to 5T section have THE cutest stuff. And I’m not just saying that because everything is all teensy weensy and cute as hell. No, they use really great fabrics and cute styling. The girls do anyway. Boys clothes are a whole other post.

Apparently, after you grow out of girls 5T though, your option is to start dressing like a little tart, or wear matching sweat suit ensembles, or ridiculous uncomfortable getups from their new Disney Teen line. Target, who are your buyers? Fire them.

It’s so frustrating. When I’m there to pick up other things, I’ll cruise through the girls section looking for something to pick up for Hadley and it’s soul crushing. Crappy fabric, no imagination and stupid and/or slutty. One may argue that this is “the style”. I call bullshit. Hello Crewcuts? GAP? Mini Boden? Hanna Andersson? (I swear by their pajamas.)

Occasionally they’ll have a guest designer with a collection that doesn’t suck. Liberty of London and the most recent Calypso come to mind, but for the most part, it’s suck city. Target’s tween/teen department needs an overhaul.

HJ likes to dress funky but I still want quality and somewhat classic styling. Plus, she’s a stickler for something being comfortable. It’s a difficult balance though because HJ is attracted to a lot of the cheezy crap. I’m pretty sure I’ve perfected my facial expression and tone now when she shows me some horrific shite outfit. An arch of the eyebrow and a subdued “Wow!” I can’t squelch her style or make her dress how I want her too. I accept that. There is a happy medium however.

She loves black. What can I say? She’s my kid. It’s my uniform. I struggled with this for a while, thinking, “she’s too young to be wearing black.” But then I deemed that voice stupid and banished her from the kingdom. A recent jaunt to Nordstrom produced skinny jeans, a black cotton sleeveless dress, and calf high black sequined high tops. Worn all together. She was in heaven. So was I actually. She didn’t look like an asshole. And then, the piece de resistance is that my little rare bird hot glue gunned a tiny plastic top hat to a bobby pin to put in her hair.

Oh sweet girl.

I just read this article on HelloGiggles that prompted me to finally write this post. In the article the writer focuses more on the slutty factor, which I see as well. This picture, from the teen/tween section at Target is completely ridiculous. Hopefully the girl on the left is saying “What the hell are you doing hanging out in your bra?”

So for now, as Heidi Klum would say, I’m sorry Target, you’re out.

You Can’t Change Your DNA

2011-08-16T14:57:00.001-06:00

Had to go to the rheumatologist yesterday, which I always sort of dread. I have an appointment every 2 months so she can keep tabs on me. There are many things I dread about it, I suppose. The dread doesn’t set in until I get there. I walk in and think “oh yeah, that’s why I’m here.” A reminder that I have this stupid disease, as if I need one. A fear that something else will crop up during blood work or the exam. I vacillate between wanting to tell her about new symptoms and wanting to keep my mouth shut for fear of more prodding or meds. (I usually tell her. I’m a nerdy patient that way.)

The night before every appointment, I update my med list, and type out any and all questions that I have or things I want to say.

I never see anyone my age at the office in the waiting room, a fact I’ve become accustomed to over the years. Everyone is 20-30 years older. I know there are patients my age. There have to be. I just never see them. Is there some hipster rheumatologist they’re all going to where everyone reads DWELL and listens to alternative music?

I was dragging ass when I went in yesterday and told her as much. The fatigue has been grueling lately. (I have been relying on caffeine to fuel me through afternoons.) My hips ache all of the time. I feel as though I am slogging waist high through mud. My mind is foggy and words don’t come easily. That proves to be really frustrating when the word is something like “couch".

She took X-rays and noted that my hips look ok, blood tests will tell more. Turns out I have bone spurs, which aren’t a big deal really and shouldn’t be causing the hip pain, unless they start aggravating a nerve. (If she detects more inflammation, or lupus activity, she’ll have to up my immunosuppressant, which makes me more nauseous than I already am, and more susceptible to infection.)

Because of the pain, she doesn’t want me doing anything with too much impact. “No running,” she said. I have mentioned to her in the past that I have been flirting with running. I envy these people who “lose themselves while running” and find it so “zen”, as well as being a great workout. She’s grimaced in the past and told me to go easy but yesterday she said “absolutely not.” She wants me on the elliptical, as well as keeping up with yoga.

Why was I strangely liberated when she said “no running?” Actually, I know the answer. It’s because I didn’t want to run in the first place. I want the results but I fear the pain it may cause. I know many runners though and I wanted to be like them. To enjoy it like them. But I can’t. Doctors orders! No love lost.

On the exam table she examines all of my joints, moving them, bending them, quiet as she moves through this process.

+++

I ask the question I usually ask, ever the good patient, “Is there anything more I can do to move towards a remission?”

It’s been 7 years and no remission. I may never be in remission and I know that.

“Ultimately, there isn’t anything more you can be doing. You can’t change your DNA” she says.

This statement echoes in my head and irritates me.

She tells me of the clinical trials for an exciting new drug that’s testing really really well. I can’t remember the name. (I’ve heard this before. The last one, Benlysta, which was just approved after 50 years of no new lupus drugs, now is seen as “old news” and “not really effective”)

I ask her if she knows of any clinical trials I would be eligible to participate in.

None, she tells me. Because you’ve had breast cancer.

Awesome.

She orders a copious amount of blood work and sends me to the lab. I love the round, sweet phlebotomist with the Russian accent and sigh happily when I see her in the lab. She’s a master with a blood draw. Can barely feel the needle go in.

While tying up my arm she asks me if I’m nervous. She says lots of people are nervous and behave erratically because of a fear of needles. (I love hearing those stories for some reason.) I laugh and tell her I’m ok and needles don’t bother me. I relax my head against the wall and close my eyes while she masterfully starts drawing blood and telling me all about her little nephew and how we share a birthday. I love listening to her talk. Accents are like music.

9 tubes later and I’m done. NINE. I watch as she writes my name and birthdate on each tube and think there must be an easier way. Seriously, it’s 2011.

I make a mental note to research blood vial label makers.

Alive

2011-08-10T09:42:00.001-06:00

Reading the paper this morning, there was an article about marrow donation and this quote jumped out and has been dancing around my head.

“I’m going to have to develop a little more patience with myself and really just enjoy being alive and not worrying about having to spend every moment of every day trying to achieve something.”

So, I will keep that with me today, as well as this video, which I imagine is what the inner workings of my brain look like.

Oh Land–White Nights

Inspiring

2011-07-28T21:04:00.001-06:00

How bad ass is this? Love love love it.

You have one body. Be good to it.

And Happy Weekend, MFs. Do something that makes you happy.

The Break Up

2011-07-24T17:25:00.001-06:00

It is no secret that I have had a long standing love affair with Cold Stone Creamery’s Cake Batter Ice cream. It was my crack.

I used to get excited just thinking about it. My mouth would start to salivate the second I walked into the joint, knowing what goodness was coming. Sometimes I would think “Should I get something else?” Then, of course, I would come to my senses and remember never to deviate when it comes to cake batter ice cream. Cake Batter ice cream with cookie dough, brownie and fudge. A most magical concoction.

I would watch the employee as they were scooping and hope they weren’t chintzy with the topping because that could screw everything up.

And then after I got it, time would stop for a few minutes during that first bite. There was a party in my mouth with fireworks and live music and exclamation points and DELICIOUSNESS! And moaning. Always moaning.

The shit was good, all right?

So, I haven’t had any ice cream (or any dairy) since January and quite honestly hadn’t missed it. People have asked me “Don’t you miss ice cream?” And my honest answer was “No”, because I didn’t really.

A few days ago, because it’s hot as hell here in Colorado, I gathered the kids to go get ice cream. Driving to Cold Stone, I remembered my old friend cake batter.

I thought “Maybe I’ll get some, to see if it is as delicious as I remember.” I think, more than anything, I was craving that quick hit of elation that cake batter had given me in the past.

The kids picked out the flavors they wanted, I ordered some for Peter (cake batter ice cream, cookie dough, brownie and caramel) and I gave the guy my order. I asked for a lid so I could eat it at home with Peter.

I got home, put all of my stuff down, took out the cup of ice cream, and dug in.

No fireworks. No live music. Not one exclamation point. No moaning.

Nothing.

It was fucking gross and I couldn’t get it out my mouth fast enough.

Thinking there HAD to be a mistake, I took another bite. A chunky one, filled with magical bits of brownie and cookie dough.

Nope.

Still gross.

I look over at Peter who is eating his ice cream.

“Honey, mine doesn’t taste good. Is yours good?”

With a big bite in his mouth, he replies “You’re crazy. This is fucking great!”

I looked down at my cup, put the top back on it and put it in the freezer.

(sad trombone)

I have to admit, there was a wave of sadness. Something that once made me so so happy, now leaves me repulsed.

It’s fascinating to know that my taste buds and body chemistry have readjusted to a life without dairy. I actually had to go brush my teeth to get the mucusy dairy coating I felt on my tongue off.

On the plus side, now I know! Cake batter and I are through. There will be no wondering about “the one that got away.”

I have moved on to my new best friend, Rice Dream Pies. MmmmMm. Mint is the best.

3+8

2011-07-23T15:09:00.001-06:00

My birthday was glorious. Lots of love. SO much of it. I continue to be surrounded by love and light, which feels pretty good. How did I get so lucky?

I felt as if I had been celebrating my birthday for a while after having such a wonderful Asheville trip and then various loveliness sprinkled about (brunches and lunches with fab friends) before the actual DAY of my birthday. So when it arrived I wasn’t prepared.

The most fantastic PGP made THE most beautiful and delicious dinner for my birthday: Broiled Blackened Tofu, Butternut coconut brown rice, and jerk asparagus. (all recipes from Isa Chandra Moskowitz’s brilliant cookbook “Appetite for Reduction”)

Then…THEN, he also made a vegan birthday cake, that I swear tasted better than most regular cake I’ve had.

E was with us that evening for dinner, which made the dinner extra celebratory.

I kept squealing with delight throughout the meal, that all of this fabulousness was made for me. Throughout this whole “eating for health” journey of mine, Peter has been nothing but supportive and sweet, when he could easily roll his eyes and turn up his nose. I admire that and appreciate it more than he could ever know.

I maintain that my dear husband is my most favorite gift of all time.

Press On, Regardless

2011-07-13T10:24:00.001-06:00

Today my Dad would have turned 70 years old.

I knew this fact but it snuck up on me just the same. I found myself crying yesterday remembering something pretty great about him and realizing how much I miss him.

In honor of his birthday, I was thinking of things we could do that remind me of him.

Perhaps a trip to the bookstore, as he loved books and had a particular fondness for poetry. He knew lots of poems by heart and also had tons of really great quotes floating around in his brain to pull out at appropriate times.

A trip to the hardware store always reminds me of him because he could make even the most mundane thing magical. Now that I’m older, I get it because Peter is very similar. It’s a man shop full of lots of stuff, or as my Dad called them, “treasures”. We would slowly walk down each aisle and he would grab something and say “Look at THIS! You know what this does?”

Or a trip to the museum because he loved learning and never stopped asking questions or wanting to know more about something I can still hear him say “Isn’t that neat?” (Keep in mind, dear reader, that the use of the word “neat” may seem old fashioned or perhaps even lame these days but the way he said it was so earnest. If he said something was neat, it was pretty awesome.)

I thought of him yesterday because I took the kids to Wash Park in Denver to rent a paddle boat and then have a picnic lunch. (I would like to publicly thank my mom and sister, who, when I told them the story of what we did, appropriately gasped and ooohed and ahhhed, validating that I was, in fact, a fun and generous mother.)

Imagine my dismay that they complained and fought most of the hour on the lake. Wha? This is fantastic and novel, you should be overflowing with gratitude!

Finn hated it but Hadley loved it. My little naturalist was in heaven pointing out cormorants and pelicans, along with a flock of ducks, of course. One duck followed us the entire time and Hadley named her Amelia. She said more than once she wished she had a notepad and her bird monocle. Finn was bored and doesn’t enjoy anything where you’re sitting still for long periods of time.

We ended up taking the boat back early because I couldn’t handle the fighting anymore. We got our lunches (me talking through my teeth and dragging them behind me) and sat down to eat. H&F noticed squirrels and started throwing Goldfish crackers to them. Pretty soon, we were hand feeding one of the squirrels. Finn said “This is the best time in my entire life!”

Really? In your entire life?

Life is funny that way. The thing you expect to bring the most joy, often doesn’t. And the ridiculously simple things can often bring absolute delight. The three of us gushed about how we each hand fed a squirrel while walking to the car. My Dad loved Goldfish crackers and hated squirrels. He called them “tree rats.” I laughed to myself thinking of the things he would be saying if he was there.

I’m sure I’ve mentioned many many times before a quality that I loved about my Dad but it’s worth repeating because it’s a good one. Every time he saw me, he lit up. That means SO much to a kid. It meant so much to me. To see that he was genuinely happier because I had arrived. I keep that with me all of the time and try to do the same with my kids.

My mom and Pellegrinos are coming over tonight for dinner. We’re going to toast Roger Padden. Often times, when we were together, he would raise a glass and say “It’s good to be with you.” Simple, yet perfect and heartfelt. I find myself saying it now too.

Happy 70th, Dad. It was good to be with you.

Recovery

2011-07-12T17:44:00.001-06:00

I’m still in recovery mode from our most recent trip to Asheville, NC. The trip home was brutal. Peter misread the tickets so we missed our flight. I could not be annoyed with him. He was annoyed enough for the both of us. We rallied and tried to make the best of the 5 hours we had in the Charlotte airport after driving 2 hours to get there.

Luckily,(insert exciting music here!) We bought an iPad the day before and pulled that sucker out to surprise the kids as soon as we got to the airport. Needless to say, the kids were beyond happy and we were saved, quite frankly.

I ache from the tip of my head to the end of my toes. My body is angry and my fatigue is endless. I am working on it though. And by “working on it”, I mean doing a whole lot of nothing. (aside from making out with my VitaMix and giving my doggies love)

With the kids happy and occupied on the flight, I watched Sophia Coppola’s Somewhere, which I’d been dying to see. It was mesmerizing. I love how Coppola describes it as more of a mood, than a film. More like a haiku. It’s beautifully minimalistic. Just a brief glimpse into the life of the main character, a famous actor, played surprisingly well by Stephen Dorff. Elle Fanning is lovely. That girl lights up the screen.

I feel the need to wrap myself in a cocoon and come out in a few weeks. A vacation to recover from my vacation.

If only life were that easy.

Nope.

Thrown back into the thick of it.

In the meantime, I am smiling remembering sights and sounds from Asheville, good times had with family and craving food from Chai Pani and The Laughing Seed.

I had Peter pull over one day so I could snap some pics of this amazing mural. I only noticed later the creepy hanging chickens in the blue background. Blech. Ignore that part.

While snapping a few shots, a Jack Russell terrier came bounding towards me, barking. He immediately stopped as I bent down to pet him and give him some love. His scruffy bearded owner appeared from a doorway and yelled “BRUCE! Quit it!” I laughed all day at the thought of a dog named Bruce. Love it.

Pretty brilliant, right?

Where’s he been?

2011-06-27T13:59:00.001-06:00

That line from Raising Arizona popped into my head when I starting writing this post. Remember that scene where ~~relatives~~ Gale and Evelle Snoats are visiting ~~Hi and Earl~~ H.I. and Ed and they read the sign that says “WELCOME HOME SON!” Then they turn to H.I. and Ed and say “Where’s he been?” It always makes me laugh. What in that movie DOESN’T make me laugh? Such a classic. (Edited later: Many thanks to “Anonymous” who corrected names for me. I prefer to call him “my brother” though, instead of “Anonymous”, it just sounds better.)

I haven’t blogged in many moons. What can I say? I got sucked up into summer and any spare minute is spent doing nothing or everything. I have also felt extremely pedestrian and like nothing I’m doing could possibly be of any interest.

However, here I sit, ready to regale you with bits and pieces from the land of Suburbia. In a list, of course, which is what I seem to be doing lots of lately. List-making that is. I have 5 going right now with all of the things that must be done before we can leave for Asheville, NC on Wednesday. This family needs a good dose of Grammy and Bompie and to relax with the rest of our family. This town rules. It really is so fantastic. I’m looking forward to doing LOTS of nothing.

This summer I vowed to do more with the kids and I’m freaking exhausted. I have a love/hate relationship with summer. There are aspects of it I love: lazy days, more light, berries, swimming, picnics, having nothing that we HAVE to do, driveways drinks with my neighbors. But the part I fear and dread is being a full time camp counselor. And believe me people, I have been one this summer. And I think I’ve been a pretty freaking good one. I’m tired. Quite honestly, I’m tired of them being here all of the time. I’m tired of the house never really being clean because they are always here. I’m tired of not having one minute to myself, unless it is the time between when they go to bed and when I fall asleep, which is roughly 45 minutes, and no, that does not count as quality self time.

Rant over. I love my little sun kissed wombats. I really really do. But I wouldn’t be too terribly upset if the school called and said “Mrs. Provost, it’s an emergency! We need the children back immediately!”

Oh sure, I would fake disappointment for their sake, but inside I would be planning out my first few days of freedom.

Things that have been making me happy lately:

Peter. In all of his Peterness.Lovely small surprises sprinkled throughout a week can make one’s heart sing, you know? It’s the small things.
sneaking out on my life one night last week alone, going to my fave joint for a black bean burger and then taking myself to see Midnight in Paris, which deserves a post of its own. I absolutely loved it. Combine my love of Paris with my love of literature, art and quirky creativity and voila: Midnight in Paris.
Mango popsicles
New Fleet Foxes
Deep breathing
Jon Stewart
the first few sips of a refreshing cranberry/vodka are unmatched after a sweaty, action packed day.
Meeting my most lovely mom to see the movie Beginners yesterday. I loved this as well. It was quiet and perhaps dragged a bit but I was along for the ride and enjoyed the story and creative filmmaking.
cows. I’ve come across a few recently and have melted. Fascinating creatures.
reveling in the awesomeness of my friend E’s new baby girls. Every time someone I love has a baby, it’s like I’ve never seen one before, like I haven’t had TWO myself! I am just in awe of a new little person fresh to the world. I’m also delighted at how it all just comes back to me…I think “Oh, I don’t know what to do with a teeny baby!” And then BAM! You’re in the thick of it: the holding, the diapering, the feeding, the burping. Just like riding a bike. Such a sweet time. Exhausting as hell, but sweet.
VEGGIES! I had an artichoke for dinner a few nights ago and Peter laughed at me because I just kept moaning about how good it was. And it was.

Art therapy

2011-05-20T12:17:00.001-06:00

On one of the many rainy days lately, the kids busted in the door from school on a mission. Like junkies looking for crack, they tore the house apart looking for art supplies, dumped everything on the table and got to work.

Intrigued, I made a cup of tea and joined in.

I was delighted watching Finn’s creative process.

I’m so familiar with Hadley’s. It’s organic for her. It’s who she is. Art literally seeps from every pore on this child. Peter and I compare her to Edward Scissorhands. She’s frenzied in her working style, with paper flying everywhere, moving at a manic pace but the outcome is always a detailed, terrifically imaginative piece.

Finn’s talents are coming out slowly over time as he ages. I’m enjoying seeing his confidence and talent bloom. He is thoughtful and methodical, favoring order and symmetry.

I loved the piece below for one specific reason. (ignore the water stain on the right. I did that.)

He was chewing a piece of gum while working and the wrapper was still on the table. I saw him pick it up, twist it on his pencil and go to glue it down. He looked up at me and said “Is this ok?” I assured him it was and that I loved it.

And I do. In fact, I think the gum wrapper is my favorite part.

Long after they had abandoned the art for video games, I stayed and finished the tissue paper “P” I was working on, drinking tea and listening to Adele’s “21” for the 7 millionth time. I love how it turned out.

Science is cool

2011-05-10T15:34:00.001-06:00

We are a science loving family. Big time. Everything is a potential science experiment. I mean EVERYTHING. (PGP lives here after all.) So there was much excitement when Finn’s kindergarten teacher sent out a letter saying they were having a Science Fair. Love it! It’s never to early to start getting your science on.

Finny P loved the whole process and was SO into it. Peter, of course, the ultimate science fair pro, having done a trillion, was the master. (Honestly, I don’t think I have ever done one. Ever.) There was lots of hypothesizing and analyzing. As well as lots of creative juices involved in making the poster.

(note: He wanted to put the “6” next to his name so people would know he is 6 years old. It took everything I had not to object and rip it off and freak out and take control of the entire project. (exhale) BUT, I didn’t and it turned out exactly as it should. He was so proud explaining his experiment to everyone. (He made little tin foil boats in various shapes and then tested to see how many pennies each one could hold. Groundbreaking stuff.)

I watched Peter at the Science Fair today and smiled from afar. He went up to each child and asked what they learned from their experiment. He asked questions, was genuinely interested, and listened patiently as these 5 and 6 year olds rattled off what they learned. It was terribly sweet and a lovely reminder of why I love him so.

Here’s to many more Science Fairs!

Lavender Lady

2011-05-02T12:03:00.001-06:00

I love the smell of lavender. I used to hate it and thought it smelled like old ladies. (I would turn my nose up at the lavender scented products when I was stocking up on Spring Rain lotion and soap at Crabtree and Evelyn in high school. I love how scents can remind you of specific times.)

I digress…

But now I seek it out and inhale deeply every time I come into contact with it.

Sometimes, I’ll dab a little oil under each nostril to smell for hours.

I buy most all of my lavender products locally from Moondance Botanicals, a magical little shop in Denver you should check out if you’re in the area.

I always put lavender oil in the bath when I’m soaking. Sometimes if I’m just soaking my feet, I’ll put in a few drops. I highly recommend soaking your feet. An acupuncturist recommended it and I find it so relaxing, right before bed.

I have a bottle of lavender oil and water that I spritz in all of our rooms as the kids are getting on pajamas and readying for bed. I like to think it helps relax them too, or at least signal that it’s wind down time.

I love it in candles. St. Germain-en-Laye Lavender is one of my fave lavender scented candles. Peter, however, hates it and thinks it smells like “another guy is in the house” (he thinks it smells too much like a guy’s cologne) so I don’t buy it much anymore.

You can’t go wrong with an old classic like Dr. Bronner’s lavender soap.

And finally, on this little lavender tour, I save the best for last. Dagoba Lavender blueberry chocolate bar. Haven’t had this in a while because it’s not vegan but the combination of lavender, blueberry and chocolate is beyond delightful.

Egg laying bunnies

2011-04-21T21:21:00.001-06:00

The whole materialization of Easter grosses me out.

The other day I heard a kid say to another kid “What are you going to ask for for Easter?”

Wha?

The whole idea of the Easter Bunny makes me laugh and is sort of creepy. (so is Santa, really) And where did this bunny get the eggs it is supposedly bringing?

We have chosen to just to make it about celebrating the arrival of Spring.

Today at Target, I was begrudgingly picking up a few little things to put in H&F’s Easter baskets.

The following is the conversation I had with the checker: (what is it with me and cuckoo Target checkers?)

Checker: Hey, how are you?

Me: Good, how you doing?

Checker: Really great! (He was a really big guy. Super charismatic and huggable looking.) Do you have any plans for this weekend?

Me: Spending time with family. How about you?

Checker: Oh! Family, Church, and Food!

I smiled.

Checker: Are you going to church this Sunday?

WHO ASKS SHIT LIKE THIS?

Me: Nope.

Checker: Cool.

Awkward silence for the remainder of the transaction.

Pushing my loot to the car, I wondered how the conversation could have gone differently. What if I had said “Heck yeah I’m going to church!” Would he have said “AWESOME!” and then we would have high fived?

For some reason, I think this version probably would have played out because he was so gregarious and also he had a huge silver cross on a big chain around his neck. Or maybe he would have said “Big Ups for Jesus!” and we would have fist bumped.

Or maybe not.

Blahg

2011-04-11T13:13:00.001-06:00

+++

Sorry no posting lately, or consistently. I’m feeling hermity. Not in a depressing kind of way. Just not in the “let me blog about it!” kind of way. Every time I think of blogging, I think …”nah.”

Still vegan and relatively gluten free and loving it. LOV.ING it. It sounds cliché to some but literally, it’s like I’m seeing in color now. I am going to try, however, not to use the word “vegan” as it elicits strange responses from people. (“You’re not going to throw blood on me, are you?” “What DO you EAT??”) The word has such heft and negative connotations for some people that I’m just not interested in dealing with it. It’s a shame really because I like to be concise. Now I’ll have to say something like “Well, I am very particular about what I eat because I have health issues.”

Cooking has become this fun, interesting adventure instead of the usual horrifyingly mundane chore. It helps that the ever fabulous PGP has enthusiastically championed me eating this way and frequently helps cook. (I have to add though that he will cook meat every night and add it to the vegan meal. This makes me laugh.)

I’m currently dealing with heartburn VERY dramatically. It’s all very Sarah Bernhardt. Seriously though. Heartburn blows. So do stomach bugs, which my family keeps passing around. Over. It.

I hope your Monday is going swimmingly.

Ski Bums

2011-03-24T23:05:00.001-06:00

(I forgot to post this on Monday. I re-read it and desperately want to edit, but I’m not allowing myself. Pictures added today.)

The kids are on Spring Break this week and I am READY. Tons of plans in the works, starting with taking them skiing today. Peter took off the day from work and we left super early.

We saw some beautiful bison on the way up. Gorgeous creatures.

I’m sitting in the lodge at Loveland watching Team Provost take on the mountain. So so so sweet! Bittersweet, actually. (I’ll explain in a minute) Peter is snowboarding and the kids are skiing for the first time. They’re naturals! I love it and am kicking myself for not getting them on skis sooner. (although judging from Peter’s sporadic texts send from the slopes, it sounds like my little Finn is getting pissed easily. He’s a perfectionist and if he’s not perfect at something the first time, he doesn’t want to do it.)

I haven’t taken them skiing sooner because we just didn’t make it a priority. Or “I” didn’t make it a priority. (I don’t know how it is in your house but if this mama doesn’t plan shit, nothing gets done.)

I loathe being cold. Loathe it. My hands and feet freeze, as does my nose. I’m not talking the usual “I’m skiing. it’s a little brisk.” No. It’s serious business. I know I’ve mentioned it before that I have Raynaud’s Syndrome, but people have no idea what that means.

My hands, feet and nose get so cold, I can’t feel them. My college gal pals used to call them “dead hands.” They go bluish white and numb. The numbness could go on for hours, even after I go inside. Sometimes it’s just a few fingers. Then they get red and hot and hurt, until they finally calm down to a normal temperature. It fucking sucks. I’m not a wimp. I can’t “buck up.” There are no magical gloves that will keep this from happening. (Believe me, my dad and I tried every single pair at REI when I was younger and would go ski.) When we got here today, while renting boots and skis, I actually had the familiar sinking, panicky feeling I got when I used to ski. I had to tell myself “Oh no, lady. You’re not going. You have hot tea, your laptop, magazines and a Larabar waiting for you in the warmth.”

I tried to buck up so I could go get some pictures of them starting out. But that didn’t last long. I actually had to run inside because after being outside for 20 minutes, it had started and I couldn’t feel my feet, hands or nose.

Keep in mind, it is SPRING here in Colorado. It’s like 45 degrees and BEAUTIFUL. A bit windy, but beautiful. There’s no way I could be up here in the winter.

Before you ask, yes I had on enough clothes. Yes, I was wearing wool socks and boots. Yes, I was wearing the warmest mittens you can buy. Yes, I was wearing a scarf and hat. Yes to all of the questions you might ask me yourself and that I have been asked a million times. Nothing helps but getting out of the cold.

I’m a little pissed today because I wish I didn’t have an ailment where this happens. (I’ve been in stores before where if the air is too cold, it’ll happen.) Not to even mention the beautiful sun which is SHINING. No sun for lupus girl. No cold weather for lupus girl.

While buying tickets for Peter and the kids, the guy behind the counter said “Where’s your gear? What’s wrong with you? Get on the mountain!”

I smiled and said something about needing to catch up on some reading but the truth is I kind of wanted to cry. Yes, another instance where I look like nothing is wrong with me. (I know I know, I should feel grateful that it’s not something worse. And that I have two legs, etc but this is my pity party so just shut it for one second.)

(sidebar: Even though I overshare quite frequently, I pride myself on NOT being that jackass who says “Yeah, I can’t ski because I have lupus and Raynaud's syndrome and blah blah blah. I was at Target the other day and said to the checker “Hey, how are you?” and she said, in a VERY leading manner “Well, I’m FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!”

“Fantastic? You never hear that. That’s great.” I said.

“Well, today is my birthday and I’m very lucky to be alive.” she said looking at me dramatically.

I hate leading statements.

She wants me to ask why she’s lucky to be alive.

I’m not going to.

Because you know what?

I could answer “Guess what, asshole? ME TOO!”

I didn’t say anything. She finished checking me out and tried her gimmick on the next ~~victim~~ customer.)

But today, I’m pissed because I’m not out there with the rest of my team taking on the day.

End of pity party.

On the plus side, my hair looks really good and I’m not wearing uncomfortable ski boots. Those things are brutal.

More pics of the blue eyed devils on the mountain!

Thursday Loves

2011-03-03T12:35:00.001-07:00

Sister and I were having one of daily chats when we started talking about whether we’re introverts or extroverts. I know people see me as an extrovert, and I am, but I’m also quite an introvert. Meg said ‘You’re an extroverted introvert”, you get energy by being alone to fuel your extroverted-ness.”

I like that.

So, now just as I envision a car filling up with gas when I’m eating really well, I now do the same when I’m alone. (I’m all about visualization.)

Peter is in Seattle until tomorrow and while I miss his sweet beardy face and can’t wait to hug and squeeze him, there is something to be said for having time apart. (He works from home and is in a tie with my brother, A, as the loudest talker in all of the land.)

He arrives home tomorrow on the day our sweet rare bird turns 9. NINE. As in, I have a 9 year old daughter. As in, my nine year old is a total tween. WHA? Oh sweet Lady Jane. Where did the years go? I’m hoping she is a late bloomer and continues her love of all things creepy, arty and eccentric. The mean girls swarm but so far HJ has been immune to it. Shine on, you crazy diamond.

Here are some things that are making me love life:

TWO of my girlfriends are having twins. It’s has been so exciting thinking about it and anticipating the arrival of four new, fantastic humans. And I often find myself in AWE of these women with TWO babies wriggling around in their wombs. GAWD.
Almond butter on banana. Perfection.
the weather here in CO the last few days. Unbelievable soul and mood fuel. 65 and SUNNY. It makes me miss the 1976 CJ7 Jeep I drove in my teens. That car was perfect for days like these.
Boulder Veggie bowl with gluten free teriyaki and brown rice at Tokyo Joe’s. Mmmmm…serious goodness.
Coming Clean…Things I never told my parents made me laugh out loud. It reminded of a time when my Dad and I went out to breakfast when I was about 22. We were laughing reminiscing. For some reason I decided to tell him that one day in high school when they thought I was at school, we had really driven to Taos. He wanted to be pissed but he couldn’t. We laughed and laughed. (The really hilarious part of the story is that I called, like a good daughter, and said that I was at A’s house and A’s phone wasn’t working so I would talk to them the next day. (um, good one, dumbass) My dad said “Nah. You can come home tonight. Be here by 7pm. You did not say “no” to Roger. It was like Noon or something so I knew I had to hustle. (we ditched school to drive to New Mexico that morning) So, I freak out and A and I drive from Taos home to Denver in totally shitty weather. (Meanwhile, the only money I had was my parent’s Phillips 66 gas card. Serious dumbass) When I get home, ready for all hell to break loose, my parents WEREN’T EVEN HOME. They had gone to a dinner party! Jerkfaces. My Dad thought THAT was hilarious.
Sharpening pencils. There is something oddly meditative about it.
My bed, or as I now call it, “the command center.”

love this pic by Nathan Coley

Artsy Fartsy

2011-03-02T11:15:00.001-07:00

I volunteer once a week at the kid’s school in the art room. I want to make sure that in addition to helping in the classroom with academics, the brilliance of art programs don’t get ignored.

The art teacher, Mrs. O, rules, of course. She’s young, creative, interesting, smart and artistic. (duh) I do whatever she needs me to do and I so look forward to it. For one, there aren’t any children there when I volunteer. (Bonus!) They are at lunch. So it’s quiet and deliciously meditative. Mrs. O goes to lunch too, so we chat for a bit, she tells me what she needs done, and then she leaves. I put on my iPod and get to work. It’s deeply satisfying being in a room that is swirling with imaginative energy and fantastical creations. I’ll have to bring my camera next time. It’s badass.

Last month, when I was in the room, Mrs. O told me that she selected Hadley to participate in an art show. Accordingly, we made a huge deal about it at home, as it is a big deal. Rare Bird’s first art show. One of many, I’m sure.

All of the work is being shown at a local mall for a week. We went on Saturday to check it out.

They are allowed to create whatever they want during art class. Hadley made a dog and a mouse out of old ribbon rolls.

Here’s Finn dutifully posing. While looking at all of the other art, he said something profound like “This sucks. Can we go to the toy store?”

So we did.

At the toy store, Peter found the game KinderBunnies and immediately grabbed it. Apparently, he has played the adult version, KillerBunnies, and wanted to try the kid version out. I’m down with anything that gets us spending time together and gets the kids thinking.

The game is really fun and the kids LOVED it. I’m sure adding to the fun of the game was the fact that Peter and I agreed to play the game in the fort the kids built. We also agreed to eat take out for dinner in the fort. (note: Peter, aka Old Man River, was not pleased about sitting on the floor. He made it known and had trouble walking when he got up.)

While it was a bit of a pain in the ass, it was SO novel that the kids were freaking out and squealing with delight. I kept leaning over to Peter saying “This is fun. We’re fun parents, right? Say this is fun. They’ll remember this, right? And think we were fun, right? I mean while they are talking to their therapist about something else we screwed up….”

+++

My cleanse ended on Monday and while I was a bit sad, because I like structure, I just realized I can continue to eat this way. So I am! Modified, of course. Vegetarian flirting with Veganism. Trying to avoid gluten and dairy because it makes lupus happier. I am allowing sugar back onto the scene and I welcomed her with HUGE open arms. We did have to have a heart to heart though about her controlling ways.

It’s 65 and sunny here. Just try to ruin my mood.

Thursday Loves…

2011-02-24T15:58:00.001-07:00

My massage this morning. This aching bod thanks you magical J!
Taking myself out to lunch, alone.
Thinking about this recipe CONSTANTLY. Must make SOON. It had me at “cake batter.”

Thinking about Morning Glory muffins CONSTANTLY too (are you sensing a trend? sweets anyone?)
Family dance party to Supertramp last night. Then a yoga session with Finn while Peter and Hadley jammed on the piano to REO Speedwagon’s “Can’t Stop Loving You”. THEN, Finn fell asleep while I laid with him listening to Peter, Paul and Mommy. Oh, music. The love affair is stronger than ever.
I supremely dig being a part of my favorite foursome. Tis an honor.
Wheatgrass shots first thing in the morning
A stack of delicious new magazines
Going to the dentist. I would go once a month if I could.
Colorado weather the past few days. GORGE!
Reading all about NY Fashion Week and perusing collections. I love clothes but hate shopping. Explain that to me.
Seeing great friends from out of town + their new babe
Reading creative vegan blogs and feeling inspired to cook
B for leaving a slice of vegan chocolate tart on my doorstep today (!)

Happy early weekend, turtle doves.

Funk Removal

2011-02-22T14:42:00.001-07:00

Have been in a funk for a few days. Today I decided to do something about it.

These things in combination seemed to have done the trick.

Find a good vegan soup recipe for dinner so I don’t have to eat the same motherscratching brown rice and veggies.
Noon yoga class with a righteous instructor
stroll through Vitamin Cottage grabbing some groceries, including the prettiest strawberries I have seen in a long time, roasted pumpkin seeds and frozen wheatgrass shots.
Drive home with the windows and sunroof open, taking in the amazing Colorado day.
Listen to CD made YEARS ago by KBDK, which contains a good amount of classic rock and hippie jams. (Widespread, Phish, Grateful Dead…)
Windows still open. Volume up embarrassingly loud.
Pull into the driveway with a smile on my face and then proceed to take 2 shots of wheatgrass and eat strawberries over the sink.

Mission accomplished. Funk removed.

It’s day 16 of the cleanse, people. Uh huh. I’m feeling pretty badass. Not supremely badass as there have been bumps in the road. Like this morning when I emailed B and was like “TALK ME DOWN FROM THE LEDGE. SCREW THIS!”

But still, maybe a little bad ass.

Good job, body. You’re doing swell.

On a TV front, are you watching Portlandia, yet? Mkay. Get on that. Although, don’t repeat lines to Peter and laugh hysterically because he’ll just look at you blankly. Also, I know I’m totally late for the party but FRINGE? Hello, fantastic. I’m deep into Season 1. I’m also going to acquire Friday Night Lights. After all of the hullaballoo everyone makes about it, the shit better change my life. Kidding. Sort of.

Wishing you wonderful Tuesday.

Thursday Loves

2011-02-10T11:02:00.001-07:00

Music – specifically Cat Stevens, Tennis, Fleetwood Mac, The Weepies
Feeling light and zippy (yup, I just said “zippy”)
brunches and lunches with people I love
Daydreaming about vacations
my sister’s post about her recent vacation to Tulum
Oliver spooning with me at night under the covers like a nursing infant.
RuPaul’s Drag Race
Feeling grateful. Every day.
The look on Peter’s face when I gave him a snow blower for his birthday
This girl’s photostream on Flickr. That blue hair is perfection. I love the shot called “WINTER.”
Planning a baby shower and HJ’s birthday party. FUN! The fun part for me is the invites and choosing where to have it. (Baby shower = French restaurant, bday party = funky art workshop for kids) Then I just delegate. It’s too stressful for me any other way.
Still alive and cleansing like a mofo. It’s Day 4 and I’ve had some minor missteps along the way but I’m being decidedly chill about it. This isn’t about self-flagellation. It’s about learning what works for my body and about being healthier.

I will say that I’m much more of a juice kind of girl. I love that vibrant green!

Yesterday morning I decided to make a smoothie. I put in some romaine, raspberries, an avocado, a cucumber and some coconut water. It looked so beautiful before I turned on my mighty Vita Mix. After that it was just brown sludge. I literally choked it down. And I was sad because I LOVE all of the ingredients. It tasted pretty good but I just couldn’t get past the texture and color of it.

I feel really really good though. My stomach issues have been non-existent since I started. I don’t know if I can attribute that to the cleanse or the fact that I also started taking Probiotics. Either way, it’s fabulous. Lupus has been relatively quiet as well. Big ups to my friend B, who is kicking arse as well!

Happy almost weekend to you, sweet people of the interwebs.

Crazy Sexy Cleanse

2011-02-03T09:52:00.001-07:00

Tuesday and Wednesday were “snow days” for my children. There was only an inch of snow on the ground but it was below freezing and deemed too dangerous.

So, they were home.

And annoying.

I missed yoga on Tuesday and lunch with two lovely ladies on Wednesday. Not to mention getting nothing done, having the house trashed and them squawking at me ALL day about being bored.

Have I mentioned that I love them. Mmhmmm, I do. I really really do. (There were some cute moments: H&F playing American Girl dolls, the many many skits they performed, making cookies with them while we sang Fleetwood Mac songs…)

I’m just happier than a pig in shit that they are back in school and the house is still and quiet.

The irony is I have to volunteer at school today.

Just.Can’t.Get.Away.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Moving on.

Have you ever heard of Kris Carr? Chances are, you’ve seen her face lately because she’s been all over the place promoting her new book Crazy Sexy Diet.

This is what she says about herself:

I’m Kris Carr, best-selling author, motivational speaker and wellness coach. Back in 2003, I directed and starred in Crazy Sexy Cancer, an inspirational documentary for TLC that chronicled my journey from cancer diagnosis to juicy healthy living. I also wrote Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips and Crazy Sexy Cancer Survivor, two must-have manuals for triumphing over disease and embracing a holistic approach to recovery. My wake-up call encouraged me to make a total lifestyle upgrade inside and out. This extraordinary journey led me to crank the stress down and the joy factor up. It brought me back to nature, the garden and the people (and animals!) who fuel my spirit each day. In the process, I created a blueprint for a healthy and happy life and I want to share my secrets with fabulous you!

Love love love her. She’s beyond positive, funny, irreverent and smart. Qualities I love in a girl. Plus, what she says makes sense. She still has a very rare, incurable form of cancer, but it isn’t progressing. And she feels great.

I remember discovering her documentary shortly after I was diagnosed with lupus. So much of what she said resonated but I was lazy and it was too much for me at the time to change my lifestyle so drastically. (Um, 5 week old baby, 2 year old, just moved to a city I’d never been to before?…yeah, I’d call that overwhelmed) She wrote her first book after the documentary came out called “Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips”. I thought, and this is the freaky part, “Hm, if I ever got cancer, that would be a really good book for me to read.”

Mkay.

My mistake was just thinking that this lifestyle (I really hate the word ‘diet’) was only for people with cancer.

I’m ready now. To try at least.

I’ve been tinkering for a while, trying to eat mostly meat free (aside from briefly becoming a porketarian in Mexico), juicing, yoga, dry brushing, supplements, tons of water, etc. But this is going to be tough. It’s also gluten free, sugar free, caffeine free, alcohol free. Oy. I’m a bit terrified but excited too.

Just so we’re clear, it’s not to lose weight. It’s to feel good. Or at least better. This way of eating has long been described as “anti-inflammatory.” I SHOULD be eating this way to help my body heal.

It’s only 21 days. Starting Monday. I’m doing it with my friend B, my most fantastic across the street neighbor, who, if you remember, was my partner in Mastectomy Madness. Yes, we both dealt with the breast cancer/double mastectomy bullshit a month apart. We share a plastic surgeon. She’s the greatest. She is a vegan already and a runner, so we’re going to keep each other in line.

We’ve already started weaning. It’s not that hard, except for my morning cup of tea, and SWEETS! Argh. I can’t seem to shake those. I swear, after 5 or 6pm, I become possessed and must eat any and all sweets.

I’m not going to be a psycho about this cleanse and I am anticipating some icky days, but I’m committing. And blogging about it holds me to it. I promise I won’t bore you with all of the details.

Off to juice. Wish me luck!

I am…

2011-01-28T22:50:00.001-07:00

…really wanting this shirt. Beard love!

…starting to feel a little better, although the nausea lingers. Puke.

…devouring “Boardwalk Empire” – SO GOOD!

…pouting over extra poundage. (I know, I know, no one wants to hear skinny people complain that they feel fat, but suck it. This is my blog and I can have fat days too.)

…searching etsy for valentine’s cards for the kids to give out. I hate the cartoony ones.

…wanting to buy this so I can learn Spanish

…still feeling loose and relaxed from a massage yesterday. Nothing like a masseuse with intuitive hands

…trolling cute invitation sites for HJ’s birthday party invites and a lovely friend’s baby shower invites. I heart great paper coupled with exquisite typography. It’s kind of my porn.

…excited to see The King’s Speech tomorrow

…dreaming of our next vacation

…eating Lindt dark chocolate with sea salt. OMG. (see earlier line point about extra poundage)

…looking forward to brunch with my mama and family this weekend

…reading this book and this one too and loving both.

…needing to get my hair cut. I’m starting to look like Cousin It.

Happy Weekend.

JKL

2011-01-27T09:40:00.001-07:00

Start living now. Every day you are alive is a special occasion.
Every minute, every breath, is a gift.

-Mary Manin Morrissey

+++

Feeling really nasty post trip.

Sigh.

The other shoe had to drop, didn’t it?

As always, trying to take it easy and be kind to my aching body. Ugh.

On the plus side, it’s going to be sunny and 56 here today in Colorado. Lovely.

Rough Re-entry

2011-01-26T10:50:00.001-07:00

We’re back.

Sigh.

view from our house

Post vacation blues are a bitch.

I’m coming out of it slowly, but the return to my life was bumpy. Change is hard. I wanted to sell everything and move to Sayulita. Immediately. All sorts of crazy things were churning through my brain.

Luckily, Peter has become adept at taming my crazies and sweetly brought me back to planet earth.

We don’t have to move there. We can just go again.

Duh.

Sayulita was magical. That word sums it up. The house was beautiful. Being with my besties was effortless and rejuvenating. The kids were great. The food was beyond fantastic. I FELT GOOD. Alert the presses. Aside from mild fatigue, my body felt great! It was the best vacation ever.

Our house was really beautiful and perfect for 4 families. Aside from the fact that we were up the hill from a Rooster farm (those fuckers cock-a-doodle-do constantly. It’s not just in the morning. Do NOT missing hearing that) everything was superb. We had a great walk into town, including a huge hill so a workout was built into the day, which I loved, as I have to be tricked into working out.

I also loved having my kids experience the laid back vibe of Mexico. The dirt streets with chickens and stray dogs meandering around. A constant smattering of Spanish in the air. Different food. Different culture. More than anything it made me want to travel more. To show them more of the world. Not everyone lives like they do. In fact, most of the world does not.

Life was so much simpler there. I didn’t get online the entire trip. 6 days. I didn’t want to. I did yoga by the pool a few mornings, breathed in the salty air and was grateful for this time spent with people whom I love so much. These girls are like my sisters. There was no drama or tumult. Just togetherness. Free and easy.

We were a little village with 8 adults and 5 kids. We looked after each other and our little offspring. I will say there is something deeply DEEPLY fantastic about having self-sufficient kids who spend the majority of the time in the ocean while I lay under a shaded chair with cocktails.

I drank more beer and ate more meat than I have in the last few years. Explain that one to me?

Finny, HJ and the Reidy boys, Gavin and Henry in our driveway

our little surfer girl

most pics of Finn are like this. The child does not pose. Too many exciting things going on.

The big house had a little apartment attached to it, where we stayed.

stairs up to the big house

the pool behind the house. Unfortch, it was a little too chilly most of the time to swim.

The morning after we arrived, I saw these little footprints. They had just painted a wall and I assumed a cat had walked in the paint and down the stairs. So sweet. 3 days later, searching the property for the laundry room, Emily and I discovered twas not a cat at all, but an opossum. It was late at night and dark outside, I saw something move and said “Oh, that must be the kitty.” Em said “Nasty. That’s not a cat.”

Teeny paw prints are still cute.

HJ with the most delightful Camille. There was much crafting and playing and coloring.

Camille and Peter TOTALLY bonded, which Peter loved, as most little kids are freaked out by his beard and bald head. He could not get enough of her.

It probably goes without saying that this little girl had everyone wrapped around her finger.

Peter and JR relaxing by the pool.

This is what the boys were doing most of the time, when they weren’t fully immersed in episodes of Scooby Doo.

I wasn’t really a good picture taker, which I regret now. I don’t have a picture of all of the adults or myself and the girls. It takes a lot of effort to constantly be taking pictures,etc and I was just lazy.

self portrait. I’m rocking a huge hat, long sleeves and tons of sunscreen.

Adios Sayulita. See you again soon. XO

Be Still My Beating Heart

2011-01-13T10:16:00.001-07:00

Lots going on with my busy heart.

It swells with pride and joy one day at my blue eyed devils, who are so excited for our vacation this week that they leave bits of excitement and delight in their wake. (Sayulita, baby!)

It soars and gets bigger at the magical news of a friend.

It sinks the next with the devastating news from another.

In all three cases, I feel it in my gut, on my skin, in the flush on my face and in my heart.

So many ups and downs in life, sometimes in one day.

It’s hard to catch your breath.

But you do.

Been thinking a lot about my Dad lately too. Not in a melancholy way at all. Well, perhaps a little. The RMP piece of my heart will always be missing. But more in a “what he left behind” kind of way. In a way that makes me smile and feel so grateful for the time that I did have with him.

He left me loving and participating in life, laughing at little ridiculous things, being good to other people, trying to be interested and interesting, and always “checking my equipment.” He also left me an endless mental catalogue of “his music.” (Mario Lanza anyone?)

So, I’m pensive today, thinking about so much.

And sending out my most genuine, heartfelt love to anyone and everyone who needs it.

Thursday Loves

2011-01-06T11:05:00.001-07:00

+++

Hello little squirrels.

Here are some things I’ve been loving lately:

the glitter red nail polish on my toes. They were like portable Christmas ornaments all through December.
big black crows. They fascinate me and their squawking makes me laugh.
wearing hot pink underwear under my usual utilitarian every day black garb
my lavender body oil, which leaves my skin supple and me smelling a bit like the Patchouli wearing boys in college I found so irresistible
watching back seasons of Dexter
the effects of deep conditioner on my locks
Crepes with Nutella (let’s be honest, ANYTHING with Nutella)
People who hold the door even when you’re more than 10 steps away
The bookstore. Everything about it. I feel a sense of panic about only choosing a few books. Almost like at the dog pound, I want to take them ALL home. (I finally chose Patti Smith’s memoir “Just Kids” and Mary Karr’s “Lit” for Mexico, even though I walked around petting Steve Martin’s An Object of Beauty for 20 minutes. I also ordered Poser: My Life in 23 Yoga Poses)
Oliver, our puppy, goes to the tub, jumps in and then cries because he can’t get out. Every night. It makes me laugh. I swear I’ve seen Atticus roll his eyes at this.
Hadley’s CONSTANT and I mean, CONSTANT, singing. She’s been on a Feist kick lately, which amuses me because she changes the words to all of the songs. She’s also experimenting with her vibrato.
The thought of a fresh, new year unfolding before me.
practicing yoga regularly. It’s going to keep me out of the looney bin, y’all.
Planning our next trip. My wanderlust is out of control.
Speaking of wanderlust, we leave for Sayulita soon! So excited. I’ll be the super pale one with two bruised, skinned knees and a massively bruised left foot. I fell down the last two basement stairs putting away Christmas decorations. Idiot. I lay there for a few moments crying, then realized I was going to be ok, so I stood up, dusted myself off and limped off to ice everything.
This American Life on NPR. It always makes me think or smile or both.

I hope today brings you a welcome surprise or at least a few things that make you laugh out loud.

A Sweaty Towel

2011-01-04T09:59:00.001-07:00

I went to a class yesterday that I hadn’t been to before. It was a slightly more challenging class but Meg had been assuring me I’d be fine.

Got to the class and had that old familiar intimidation feel, which was welcome actually, as I hadn’t felt it in so long.

The class was packed(damn new years resolutioners) and I had forgotten that this was a heated class and I didn’t bring a towel. I thought “Ah well, I’ll be fine. I’m not a big sweater.”

The sweat started immediately. A fabulous sweat, pouring off of me. It was distracting because I wanted to focus on my practice. Plus, it was making my mat slippery.

After being in child’s pose for some extended breaths in the beginning, I looked up to the top of my mat and there was a white towel tucked underneath the top corner of my mat.

“How sweet,” I thought. “The instructor, Whitney, must have put that there, knowing it was my first time and seeing that I hadn’t brought my towel.”

I wiped myself down and kept practicing.

5 minutes later, to my horror, the woman in front of me leans back and grabs the towel.

“No no! I used that.” I whispered.

“You did?” she said looking a little exasperated, and dripping with sweat.

“I’m SO sorry!” I said.

She shrugged and kept practicing.

The rest of the class, while deliciously sweaty and so invigorating, was plagued by me chastising myself for being such an idiot and hoping I didn’t ruin this woman’s class. It doesn’t take much to ruin a class for me. (Kenny G anyone?)

To punish myself, I didn’t use the towel again, even though she wasn’t going to be using it either.

At the end of class, I lay in savasana for as long as I could, and at one point, peeked to see if when she left, she took the towel. She didn’t.

Then I lay there, turning all Black Swan paranoid, thinking she was talking shit about me in the locker room.

I got up, rolled up my mat and went to the locker room, determined to find her and plead my case.

I found her, naked, standing next to the shower, talking to another fully clothed woman about knee surgery. (side note: I don’t usually engage naked women. I just don’t. But this was an emergency.)

“Excuse me,” I said. “I’m the one who took your towel. I’m so sorry! I hope I didn’t ruin your practice. I honestly thought Whitney gave me a towel.”

She was lovely and so gracious, assuring me it was ok.

I still felt like a total loser.

I can’t wait to get back and sweat. I’m going to get one of these first.

Hopefully, I can practice 4 days a week. It seems to keep lupus happy as well as my soul.

Namaste, MFs. (my friends) I wish you a sweaty new year!

P E A C E

2010-12-24T10:17:00.001-07:00

We’re headed to the Denver Art Museum for the afternoon, then Christmas Eve dinner at Steubens before we look at lights on the way home.

Low stress and non-traditional. Just the way I like it.

Wishing you a lovely holiday filled with love, laughter, patience and perhaps some valium if necessary.

Emily

A Coyote Solstice Tale

2010-12-22T09:03:00.001-07:00

While picking up presents at Tattered Cover, I stopped to peruse the holiday books.

I’m so bored with most of them and was delighted to find a creative alternative to the usual fare.

From School Library Journal:

Coyote is expecting Beaver, Bear, Otter, and Moose for a solstice dinner at his small house in the woods but a little girl in a reindeer costume shows up first. When the friends follow her tracks to discover where she came from, they discover a huge and frenzied mall just beyond the woods, where Coyote goes wild shopping until he discovers that he has to pay for the stuff. The humor is dry and affectionate, the rhyming text delights with sly turns of phrase, the watercolor cartoons are whimsical, and the small size of the book (a bit bigger than a DVD case) adds to the charm. This holiday treat will leave readers with no doubt that an evening spent at home with your buds is priceless.–

The kids love it, especially Finn, and we’ve been reading it every night.

Freedom

2010-12-15T09:51:00.001-07:00

The kids’ winter break starts on Friday. I am mentally preparing as if I am going to war, which I am, sort of.

I am stock piling all of my patience and ideas for fun so that I can be a good mama instead of channeling Joan Crawford in Mommy Dearest. Peter’s vacation starts on the 22nd so luckily I don’t have much solo time.

Sigh…

So, today I will finish (and by “finish” I mean “start”) shopping for Christmas. Shouldn’t be too bad. I am trying to shop local so I’ll hit up the local toy store and book store and call it a day. The kids are only getting a few things. They don’t need more crap. (Although, I would by lying if I said I wasn’t OVER THE MOON excited about Finn getting an Easy Bake Oven. I will be his best customer.)

Yesterday, I went to my usual lunch hour yoga class. I felt murderous during the whole thing. Amped up and anxious. Tense. Ready to bite flesh or get in a fight.

This is not the norm.

The reason?

The instructor, a lovely woman who is a perfectly great yoga instructor, played FUCKING KENNY G THE WHOLE TIME.

THE WHOLE TIME.

Did I say the whole time?

An HOUR of Kenny G.

As I sat on my mat stretching and waiting for class to begin, I calmed myself down by saying ‘Surely, she’ll switch the music when she starts class. Don’t worry.” (The studio is known for great music that complements the practice.)

I have a physical reaction to Kenny G. I don’t find him relaxing or soothing or Zen.

That soprano saxophone gets into my brain and digs around like a raccoon in a garbage can, pulling out the most negative thoughts and riddling my body with malevolence. And then on some of the songs, he would sing. I audibly grunted a few times. My desire to flee was so strong that I almost grabbed my shit and left. But the class was super full and I didn’t want to ruin anyone else’s practice.

At the end of class, I stayed in savasana all of 10 seconds before I literally sprinted from the class to the safety of my car.

Sublime

2010-12-13T10:48:00.001-07:00

Kanye West’s 30 minute film, “Runaway.” Have you seen this? I was absolutely mesmerized. It’s beautiful.

Welcome to the week, my little candy canes.

Turned the Corner

2010-12-10T10:42:00.001-07:00

Hooray! I feel better. This fact is actually comical, considering my version of “feeling better” is still rubbish compared to healthy people’s version of “feeling better.” But, I’ll take it. Gratefully.

Don’t take your health for granted, ladies and gentleman. Just don’t.

Even with all of my ridiculous health issues, I frequently compose little post-it love notes to my body.

Dear Body,

Thanks for 37 wonderful years together. You’re doing a great job! Keep it up.”

love, Emily

Ok, on a totally random note, I watched Love Actually the other day. Many people name it as a favorite holiday movie and I hadn’t seen it in a while.

I remember thinking it was really sweet the first time I saw it.

This second viewing?

Meh.

Why is everyone referring to Natalie as “fat” in the movie? (Hugh Grant’s love interest) She’s clearly not. She’s stunning. There are 4 or 5 jokes about her being chunky, with tree trunk thighs and a huge arse. It started to irritate me. She’s clearly the most attractive girl amongst all of the naysayers. It just rubbed me the wrong way. And then at the end when she jumps into Hugh Grant’s arms he said ‘Good God, you weigh a lot.”

THAT’S supposed to be charming? I suppose it is English humor. And I WAS cranky when I watched it.

Anyhoo…

I was reminded of my deep affection for Emma Thompson, Laura Linney, Colin Firth and Liam Neeson.

Speaking of Colin Firth, have you seen A Single Man? I’m sure I’m the last on the planet not to have seen it. Go see it.

Absolutely stunning. An astounding entre into directing by Tom Ford. Not to mention stellar performances by Colin Firth and Julianne Moore. It was really really moving. The juxtaposition of the agonizing grief he feels and the beautiful way the film is shot is mesmerizing.

Thursday Loves

2010-12-09T11:42:00.001-07:00

+This beautiful picture of Denver (from Dooce.com)

+ Haagen Daz Peppermint Bark Ice Cream – I buy two or three of these at a time because they are limited edition. I would buy more if I had more room in my freezer. It’s that good.

+ SmartWool socks – Because I have Raynaud’s Phenomenon, my hands, feet and nose are ALWAYS cold. These socks have saved me. I wear them all of the time. SO so so cozy.

+ Giving compliments to strangers – Try it. It’s fun. It’s a bit uncomfortable the first time but then it becomes second nature. I’ve been doing this for a while now and even though I get strange reactions, most noticeable one time, silence and a dirty look, it makes me feel good. And I know, deep down, it makes the other person feel good too. (My sister does this too and when the two of us are together it gets comical, bombarding people with conversation and compliments)

Walking into Panera Bread the other day (side note: their mac n’ cheese is CRACK! so good) I saw a woman with a great dress on. I said “Hey, great dress!” She smiled sheepishly and said “THANKS!” I saw a woman in the produce section of the grocery with beautiful white hair (like my mama). I leaned over the cucumbers and said “Your hair is stunning.” She just grumbled and looked away.

Hm. Now this is what I call a “compliment ruiner.” I know I took her by surprise and I’m sure she thought I was a freak. But I meant no harm and was genuine when I said her hair was stunning. Take a note, people. Learn how to accept a compliment.

+House clothes – When I leave the house, I try to look presentable. Bra+real pants+clean shirt+real shoes. But the SECOND I return home, I have to remove all vestiges of constricting real life clothes to don what I call “house clothes”. House clothes = no bra, yoga pants, smartwool socks, cozy long sleeved T, slippers and usually throwing my hair into a bun. Does anyone else do this? The second I have on my house clothes I can exhale and let the busyness of the outside world melt away.

+Taking pictures with my new camera. I love the vintagey look of it and am getting more comfortable using it.

(The first pics are of HJ opening the door on her new Advent Calendar. The other is from this morning. Hadley had a krone Peter gave her from a trip to Norway and she decided to put it on a ribbon and wear it as a necklace. Clap clap, my beautiful, creative rare bird. Keep up the good work.)

(yes, Finn’s enthusiasm is infectious. I wish I had a quarter of his energy.)

Happy almost end of your week. Remember not to overschedule…and breathe.

Gone away is the new bird

2010-12-08T10:15:00.001-07:00

Trying to be festive and doing a pretty good job of it. Bay leaf wreath smells delightful. Tree up. Lights outside still need to be hung. (Not my department) Daily Christmas tunes. Fun plans for the blue eyed devils over Christmas break.

Reminding myself to breathe and not get stressed out. No reason to, really. After a busy Thanksgiving, I’m looking forward to an obligation free Christmas.

I wish my body would play along and be more Holly Golightly rather than Holly Goleaden and fatigued.

I’ve been dragging myself through the days. Not many spoons to spare. Peter and the kids had a cold/flu last week and they have given it to me. I don’t get any of the same symptoms (sore throat, coughing, sniffles) or even a fever. I just get completely wiped out. Brain fog, achy, painful skin, etc. (I didn’t get the mail for three days because the thought of walking 4 houses down to our bank of mailboxes was too much.)

Add onto that nonsense is ongoing severe hip pain, which has me acting as a ping pong ball between a back doctor and my rheumatologist. Thinking it was my piriformis muscle, the back doc ordered an injection of steroids directly into that muscle, otherwise known as my ass. (interesting stuff. I asked for a DVD of the process, like a nerd.) Alas, this did nothing to alleviate pain but made me anxious and nauseous. Good old steroids.

I’m due to return to the back doctor to look at more options next week. And then the rheumatologist to see how lupus is involved. You get the picture.

Exhausting.

No appetite but food is necessary, of course. Trying to juice everyday and eat healthy because that helps. All of this food prep takes energy though. Blah.

Lots of mini pity parties, where, when no one is around, I’ll slink to the floor in the kitchen and lay my head on the cool floor thinking I can’t possibly get up.

While lying there, I silently wish that I had more energy, more spoons, to get stuff done.

Pity parties aren’t long in these parts though. I won’t allow it. Wallowing isn’t productive. I’ll listen to myself think these thoughts, sometimes cry, tell myself I’m ok, acknowledge and move on.

Life is really really good after all and I have so much to be thankful for. SO much.

Plus, the countdown is on for our family trip to Sayulita Mexico with my three besties and their fams in January. That thought brightens many of my days.

Always Thankful

2010-12-01T10:52:00.001-07:00

Been inspired lately and trying to be positive and surround myself with goodness. Frequent yoga is helping immensely. I love the body buzz and the mental high.

Thanksgiving was really lovely. I am completely depleted and my body hates me from overuse but I am so content. My cousin Brendan and his wife came and stayed with us for the holiday. I was initially nervous because hosting people is exhausting. My anxiety mounted. Turned out it was completely unnecessary. They were the perfect guests. Really really cool people. We miss them and want them to come back.

My brother Neil and his family came from Dallas so we were all together.

My mom made the evening so unique and special. She is like no other in the most loving way. Love is in the details. And there were so many details. We all had these little place cards.

It was just SO good to be together to talk and laugh. There’s nothing like being with them. I laughed so much the whole time. Seriously. The WHOLE time. My sister said it perfectly when she said that we all have just accepted where and who we are and love each other unconditionally. So true. No stress or weird drama. Just togetherness. Dad is always missed but we be so proud of us. Especially Mom.

(the kids were so curious about Uncle Peter not having hair. I went and got a wig for him. Wigs are funny. And how normal does he look with it on??)

My favorite part is always seeing the cousins together. There are 9 of them and they were constantly playing together. Meg has a great post about the week too.

This is Neil’s oldest Olivia and Hadley. How cute are they? And how much do they look alike? They are the redheads in the bunch. You can see Grace, Olivia’s sis in the background.

As much fun as we had, I am happy to be back to the routine, where I feel most comfortable.

Yesterday ruled for no apparent reason. Clear head, minimal pain, more energy than usual. Yoga, eating well and laundry. It’s the small things.

Each night at dinner we cheers each other and clink glasses. Everyone says the best part and the worst part of their day.

Yesterday, I couldn’t think of a worst part. Not one thing. Love that.

Been avoiding negativity and “noise” lately, which helps my current state of mind. You know what I mean by noise….too much TV or internet, stores or bustling around, cranky people. Embracing stillness.

A while ago I stopped reading some websites and blogs because they were becoming toxic. Blogs that I had been reading for years…just because I read them every day. But when I started to evaluate what I got from reading them, I came up empty. The only thing keeping me going was voyeurism and that’s not good enough. Most of the time I would grimace after I read the post.

Not anymore. I won’t name names. No need.

Welcome to December, little birdies. I hope the month brings you good cheer.

The kids were so psyched to start their Advent calendars today. Hadley got the Amsterdam Calendar from Nouveau Designs. (We will discuss my desire and dream to move to Amsterdam at a later date. My mind is churning…)

And Finn has the Brooklyn calendar. I love love love them.

Listening to Amos Lee on this Wednesday morning and contemplating plans for the day. Hope your week is going well.

The Fuzz

2010-11-15T11:49:00.001-07:00

Gil Hedley: The Fuzz

Warning: This video isn’t for the squeamish but I find it SO interesting. Honestly, it’s been a motivator for me lately to stretch every day and go to yoga. I think of “the fuzz” and get on my mat.

Incidentally, this also reawakens my desire to dissect a human body. Unfortunately, you can just hop up to the local rec center and do such a thing. Darn.

The Voting Process

2010-11-12T10:11:00.001-07:00

It’s difficult but ultimately, you have to go with your gut.

Katy Perry’s Teenage Dream or the Glee version?

These are the tough decisions.

We like to listen to music in the morning. I find it puts everybody in a good mood and usually turns into an impromptu dance party. There is lots of singing and H&F take turns being DJ.

Katy Perry is a constant favorite for the blue eyed devils. (and mama too) It’s sugary delicious pop. Everybody gets a spoon for a mic. Since I’m often multi-tasking, I just use my portable thumb mic. This always makes Finn say “You’re embarrassing me, Mama.”

The most recent episode of Glee featured an all boy version of Teenage Dream, which I showed to H&F because I loved it. We have watched it 100 times. I do love me an all boy accapella singing group.

Teenage Dream cover–GLEE

This morning, Finn insisted we listen to Katy Perry’s version first, then watch this version and then vote which one we liked better. He set up a voting center at the kitchen table.

If you wanted Katy Perry’s version you colored a square pink. If you wanted the Glee version, you colored a square yellow.

Everyone went up to the kitchen table alone to vote, Survivor style. The votes were put into a very official Ziploc baggie.

Then Finn tallied the votes.

2 votes Glee, 1 vote Katy Perry.

Glee won. (I was the lone Katy Perry voter just to keep things interesting.)

Then we had a dance party to celebrate their victory.

If anyone asked me to give them a reason I love being a mother, I would want to have them magically experience this morning. They are somewhat rare but moments like this fill me with joy and love that lasts for hours. (Thank you H&F for being a part of my life. You bring an irreplaceable vibrancy and ebullience.)

eleveneleven

2010-11-11T11:09:00.001-07:00

Peter and I celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary today. I love it. I love being married. And I especially love being married to him. Words cannot accurately explain my complete and utter devotion to this person. He is my light. A bright, glorious, warm light.

Unfortunately, he’s in Germany on biz, so the kids and I are going to do it up Suburban style tonight by ordering pizza and eating cake! I’m also watching Mia and Luca so it’ll be a party of sorts.

I will lift a juice box to you, my darling husbie.

Thursday Loves

2010-11-04T15:48:00.001-06:00

Hello dears.

It’s November already. Whoa.

Here’s a smattering of magical bits from the week:

+Bookshelf Porn, where have you been all of my life? So good I can’t even stand it.(via Go Fug Yourself)

+I’ve been loving Miles Fisher’s blog lately and his FB page as well. The guy is some sort of wunderkind, full of talent and creativity with most excellent links. You must check it out. It’s been fueling me lately. The pictures are spectacular. He’s the actor who looks like Christian Bale and Tom Cruise had a baby. He also made this stellar video. (originally found via Sweet and Bitter)

+Yogi Green Tea Kombucha has been doing me right lately. A lovely afternoon delight.

+Many thanks to MGMT for getting me through the last week. Oracular Spectacular has been on constant rotation.

+This post by Nerdy Apple Bottom is really good. (found via AD on Facebook) I loved it and it validates the way I feel about my children and how we are raising them.

+Craft night last night with the Briggles and an ELK and a dollop of guest stars. Much needed. And I have a beautifully colored Mandala to show for it.

+The shows Californication and Bored to Death. I watched all 3 seasons of Californication in the span of about 4 days and desperately miss the characters. I love love love it. I’m halfway through Season 1 of Bored to Death. Jason Schwarzman+Ted Danson? Brills. And of course my beloved Zach Galifinakis is in it.

+ the word “brumal", which means “wintry.” You know I’m dying to use that sucker.

Happy (almost) Weekend. Finding the funny on this Thursday afternoon…

Calmness in the middle of a lot

2010-11-03T15:25:00.001-06:00

Yesterday I ran up to PetCo to get dog food. The store is in a huge fairly new shopping center. In the middle of the parking lot there is an empty grass lot just waiting for some bank or sandwich shop or something to be erected. It’s usually empty.

Yesterday, there were two horses in it.

Just randomly hanging out.

No signs, no other people.

Just these two horses.

I was awestruck, as I love horses. No real experience with them really, aside from the normal ride every year or two, but I love them. They are so majestic and mysterious. I daydream about riding a lot. Strange really, as I don’t want to do all of the stuff associated with riding like mucking out a stall or cleaning or shoveling hay or being a farm hand. I just want to ride.

Anyway.

I threw the car in park and got out with that scared/excited feeling in my belly propelling me forward.

I walked quietly over to the fence and one of them came to me.

I let him smell me and stroked his head while I talked to him. Asking him what he was doing here and thanking him for letting me pet him.

I stood there for a couple more minutes just being with him, noticing the initials MC branded on his ass.

And then I left.

It was like 2 hours of yoga in the span of 4 minutes.

Calming, peaceful and good for the soul.

I went back this afternoon to take a picture.

After taking this one I turned around and took another shot of the mountains from the exact same spot.

Two things:

1. See! It is a total parking lot.

2. I love Colorado. Look at those mountains. And the blue sky! I say to the kids at LEAST twice a week “We are so lucky to live somewhere so beautiful.”

Scary

2010-10-26T15:37:00.001-06:00

Associate Girl over at Decisions on Margaritas posted something about the 30 Truths meme. I hadn’t heard of it or seen any of the questions, so I decided to take a look.

Um, it scared the crap out of me and I haven’t stopped thinking about it. It was the same feeling of panic I used to get looking at questions on a test that I had NO idea how to answer.

Here are the questions:

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

So many of the questions are just so…deep. It’s not so much me posting personal information that scares me, because I’m down with that. I mean, you people know all about my boobies and whatnot. It’s the fear of thinking about some of these things and then posting what I REALLY think that scares me. A shedding of my skin, if you will. I write about what I want to and very purposely leave out most of the stuff in this meme.

It’s the fear that is making me want to do it.

When something scares me, especially in the last few years, I have this need to want to do it.

Except sky diving, because that’s stupid.

During all of the cancer bullshit, I found this quote by Eleanor Roosevelt that made me feel strong:

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”

So, maybe I will “do the thing I think I cannot do.” You’ve been warned.

The Holstee Manifesto

2010-10-25T13:01:00.001-06:00

This is so good I want to make my kids recite it every morning with their little hands over their hearts. (found via DesignCrush and The Bedlam of Beefy)

Isn’t that so good?

The Bedlam of Beefy calls this manifesto “Awesomesauce.” Who says that? LOVE IT.

The kids are back in school. Sparks of joy are flying off of my body.

Hadley and I are cheering for Mondo to win on Project Runway. The kid is from Denver! He would have been my favorite anyway though. Hadley sagely said “He is so positive, Mom. And I love all of the color in his designs.”

Aw.

After the show, she always flits off to design something. Then comes more begging for a sewing machine! And fabric! And a model form! She’s very detailed about material choices too because she wants it to fit lots of different body sizes, not just “skinny models.” (I’m fully gushing. My little rare bird is just so extraordinary.)

However, while raising a creative little girl genius, I am having to make peace with the fact that she is messy. Crazy messy. I mean when A&E starts filming “Child Hoarders: They’re Real, Y’all” she could be on it. I mean when I go into her room sometimes I just have to leave quickly or else panic sets in.

I can’t get my head around it. I like order. I cleaned my room for FUN when I was little. Just for the excitement of having my mom come see. Hadley laughed in my face when I told her that story, by the way.

Her idea of tidy and my idea of tidy are totally different. We’re working on a happy medium. Wish me luck.

fall break–although it really shouldn’t be called a “break”

2010-10-22T10:52:00.001-06:00

Peter is out of town and this just happens to be the week the kids are off of school for Fall Break. Full time single momdom is really freaking hard.

AND the day after he leaves, my email stops working. OF COURSE.

I said I felt like I had “locked in syndrome.” I can receive emails but I cannot reply, as they are not leaving my outbox. Grrr.

I promised the blue eyed devils that we would do one fun thing a day. And then they couldn’t squawk about being bored for the rest of the day. I am happy to say I made good on my promise. I am exhausted and have spent way too much money but they have actually been busy every day doing fun things. Kids love structure, as do I, so it works out. They have been pretty well behaved, and exhausted at night, which is awesome.

I am way overdoing it energy wise and start to glaze over and hobble around about 5:30. I collapse into bed at 9:30 each night. I literally have had to tell Hadley she HAS to go to bed because I have to go to bed.

We’ve painted pottery, had lunches out, went to parks (it’s been GORGEOUS this week), went to the movies, roller skated, painted pumpkins (thanks, B!), went on long scooter rides, baked things…the works.

The husbie comes home tonight and we are all looking forward to him being home. The kids have made a zillion things for him, which are all lovingly wrapped and waiting for him in a big pile.

I have a doctor’s appointment today and I am so looking forward to the alone time. That says a lot considering doctor appointments blow. It’s a rheumatologist appointment so at least there is minimal poking and prodding. Plus, who doesn’t relish quiet time in a waiting room reading the latest issues of Arthritis Today with all of the other old people!?

I have been really loving all of the spooky décor for Halloween. Not the cheesy/hokey stuff but the cool stuff that you could legitimately have in your house year round, like black feather wreaths, sparkly skulls and the like. I let the kids buy a black skull candle that when lit, bleeds red through the eyes. Every morning, first thing, Finn reminds me to “light the skull, mom! light the skull!”

After a week of being supermom, I am fantasizing about booking a room at the new Four Seasons downtown for a night. It won’t be this weekend as we have a birthday party on Saturday and family pictures on Sunday, but that would be soooo loverly.

Especially since as I compose this post, the kids are eating cupcakes for breakfast, hitting each other and seeing how many times they can say “butt.”

I’m am totally clocking out as soon as PGP gets home.

I really love this picture and can’t find the source. Apologies!

Happy Weekend, Goblins.

Finding each other in the cosmos

2010-10-14T22:50:00.001-06:00

I really loved what Ann Druyan said when talking about her husband, Carl Sagan.

“When my husband died, because he was so famous & known for not being a believer, many people would come up to me — it still sometimes happens — & ask me if Carl changed at the end & converted to a belief in an afterlife. They also frequently ask me if I think I will see him again.

Carl faced his death with unflagging courage & never sought refuge in illusions. The tragedy was that we knew we would never see each other again. I don’t ever expect to be reunited with Carl. But, the great thing is that when we were together, for nearly twenty years, we lived with a vivid appreciation of how brief & precious life is. We never trivialized the meaning of death by pretending it was anything other than a final parting. Every single moment that we were alive & we were together was miraculous — not miraculous in the sense of inexplicable or supernatural. We knew we were beneficiaries of chance… That pure chance could be so generous & so kind… That we could find each other, as Carl wrote so beautifully in Cosmos, you know, in the vastness of space & the immensity of time… That we could be together for twenty years. That is something which sustains me & it’s much more meaningful…

The way he treated me & the way I treated him, the way we took care of each other & our family, while he lived. That is so much more important than the idea I will see him someday. I don’t think I’ll ever see Carl again. But I saw him. We saw each other. We found each other in the cosmos, and that was wonderful.”

It resonates with me so completely and is how Peter and I feel about each other. We were beneficiaries of chance. A wonderful and kind bit of chance.

Yet another reminder to drink up this rich life and be grateful for the really amazing things in your life. Big and small.

Belly

2010-10-07T19:38:00.001-06:00

According to my gastroenterologist (who is quite kind and entertains me with his bowties) there is absolutely, positively nothing physically wrong with my innards. They have run LOADS of tests on everything. He thinks it’s lupus.

Fine, I say.

But I’m terribly dubious.

Tiny shards of glass still slash around in my belly coupled with overwhelming nausea. The pain isn’t as intense as before. Or maybe I’m used to it? Pain tolerance is an interesting thing, especially when you’re always in pain.

A similar thing happened a few years ago with my appendix. Lots of random pains. Docs say nothing is wrong. Two trips to the emergency room when they THOUGHT it was my appendix, but both times it wasn’t. Then, the third time I went to the ER (good times) it was an appendicitis and they had to take it out. (The doc said I had an abnormally big appendix. Strangely, I was proud of this and asked to have a picture. I wonder if this is how boys with big peeps feel?)

Anyway, I have a sneaky suspicion that at some point they will take out my gallbladder. Until then, I suffer. Distracting, irritating pain that comes and goes and isn’t connected to food intake or meds or anything. And that’s JUST my stomach. There is still all of the rest of the lupus crap. Currently, sores in each nostril, one on my tongue, achy motherfucking hip joints, foggy brain and endless fatigue. Endless.

The crease in between my eyes is getting worse because of the constant furrowing.

Chronic pain causes stress and stress can’t be good for pain. Weird vicious cycle.

Argh.

I really don’t like to complain about it. And if you’ve seen me lately, you’d see the healthy me. The fake me.

I lay in bed now with magazines, my new laptop (hello gorgeous) and the intent to have a better day tomorrow. Or at least do a really good job at ignoring this bullshit pain. It’s date night with husbie and I want to be charming and swishy not stooped over, cranky and furrowing.

Wish me luck.

Specks

2010-10-05T11:16:00.001-06:00

I needed new glasses and had heard about Warby Parker for a while. I took the plunge last week and ordered a pair. 95 dollar, people. That’s it. No catch. AND for every pair you order, they donate a pair. Like Toms but for your face.

They just arrived and I have to say, I’m besotted. They’re light, a perfect fit and delightfully nerdy.

This pair is called the Zapp. And, of course, I ordered them in matte black. I’m already thinking of my next pair though and perhaps will stray from the norm…

Click

2010-10-04T12:01:00.001-06:00

This picture was taken a few years ago in Asheville, NC. I recently found it in a pile of photos I need to frame or file or…something.

My in-laws’ friend, Becky, has a charming property she named Rhodallen outside of Asheville. It’s on a little lake. The kids love to take this, (whatever it’s called…flotilla? raft? tiny barge?) out on the lake and look for critters. Peter and I took it out one afternoon and his sister snapped this picture. It is one of my favorites.

Peter is explaining something to me. What he was explaining I forget, but I’m sure it was something geeky and complicated. (hence the claw left hand) My head is cocked listening to him.

This picture perfectly encapsulates how I feel about us. On the same team, working our way through life together.

i’m radioactive

2010-09-14T10:13:00.001-06:00

Yesterday, I went to the hospital for a HIDA scan. I’m trying to make peace with doctor’s offices and hospitals as places that I spend a great deal of time. My thinking is “try to make the best of it.”

I brought my new book (LOVE!) and curled up with it while I waited for my turn. During the test, I lay on this table, they put in an IV, inject me with radioactive dye and then watch and take pictures for an hour and a half while the dye makes its way through my body. It’s actually pretty cool and it wasn’t too bad as far as tests go.

I slept on and off under a lovely heated blanket while they scanned and took pictures. I daydreamed about someone coming to wax my eyebrows and tint my eyelashes. That would have been nice.

After the test, I chatted with the charming European barista in the lobby who makes a killer cappuccino. We talked about how Americans can’t make coffee. So true. And then I took the long way home on a sunny day while listening to NPR.

Haven’t heard the results yet and I’m not expecting any news. They never find anything. Oh, the fun of lupus.

The good news is I’m not doubled over in pain, losing weight or eating Percocet like Tic Tacs anymore.

Life goes on.

I’m back to yoga and it feels glorious to be back on the mat. (For the past year, since cancer, I have been doing restorative yoga, which, while lovely, isn’t particularly strength building.) Going to a regular class showed me how weak I have become over the past year. Total spaghetti arms and legs. It’s a process…

Breakfast with RR on Sunday and lunch today with ELK has me feeling light and relaxed. I love you, Old Sames. (CTM too!)

Welcome to your Tuesday, people. I hope something makes you laugh out loud.

dune buggy birthday

2010-09-10T10:51:00.001-06:00

My bro-in-law V was in my wacky dream the night before last. I found it funny because he’s never in my dreams but then again, today is his birthday so perhaps that’s why he was floating around in my subconscious.

So, here’s the dream:

V and I were out drinking beer at a bar. I mention beer because anyone who knows me, knows I don’t drink beer, really. That stuck out to me. But we were drinking copious amounts of it.

We were partying. And having a great time. V is really really funny and charismatic.

We kept calling Peter to get him to meet up with us. (Where was Meg?) I remember the cell phone was really big. Like, 1995 big.

After not being able to reach him, we decided to jump in the car and go find him.

Only, we didn’t jump into a car. It was a dune buggy. Full on. And not in an ironic way. We were serious in the dream. Like this was the car we were driving for reals. (Although, I should say I do not condone drinking and driving dune buggys ….)

+++

Anyway, while driving, I noticed the sun coming up. Excitedly, I said to V “The sun is coming up! I haven’t stayed up until the sun came up in YEARS!”

And then my alarm went off and I was faced with Oliver licking me and Finn’s sweet face standing next to my bed.

My first thought was “I only just got home and went to bed! How can I get through this day?!?!?” And then relief set in when I got it together and remembered it was only a dream.

Happy happy birthday, dear brother-in-law. I’m forever delighted and very proud that you are in our tribe. I would say “let’s go out and celebrate” but we kind of already did. We had a great time and neither one of us is tired or hung over!

Thursday Loves

2010-09-09T15:01:00.001-06:00

+ Trolling online for all of the goodies regarding Fashion Week. It would be so fun to be there! Of course, I would be the one in GAP jeans and a long sleeved black tee.

+ Hadley loves listening to books on CD while drawing in her room. We’ve checked out ALL of the Ramona series and guess who narrates every single one? Stockard Channing. It’s divine. I often find myself wandering into HJ’s room when it’s on and staying awhile.

+ Caprese salads with my own tomatoes

+ My excitement over getting Jonathan Franzen’s new book, Freedom. I listened to an interview on Fresh Air today and it made me giddy. It doesn’t take much to get me going. I’m kind of a goob that way.

+ Dreaming about our trip to Sayulita in January with my besties and fams. Yes, please.

picture from Under The Pyramids

+ Skeletons are always fascinating to me. They’re beautiful. H is on a mission to collect skulls. So far we have a beaver skull and a mouse skull. On our mantel. Yup. We’re those people.

+ Peter. Always. Pure and simple.

i don’t recall eating shards of glass

2010-09-08T21:18:00.001-06:00

I am pissed this stomach issue continues. It’s been pretty bad since JUNE. JUNE!

I specifically remember it got bad when Peter and I were in New Orleans for a week in June. I refused to deal with anything unpleasant while enjoying my time away, so I popped Percocet and was basically a hazy version of myself the entire time, not caring that my stomach hurt.

Cut to SEPTEMBER and countless tests and procedures and med changes and NOTHING. They still don’t know.

Peter finally took me to the ER on Saturday because I was crying in a fetal position on my bed.

They did a CT scan. Nothing. They did however kindly pump me up full of Dilaudid for the pain and for that I tip my hat and say “thankyouverymuch.” I briefly identified with those poor addicts on Intervention. I get why they chase the high. Especially when it makes you forget that there are shards of glass being tossed around with hot coals in your belly.

My gastroenterologist and my rheumatologist just keep referring me back and forth to each other, which is infuriating. And why, when I talk to them, do they act like I woke them up from a nap on their vacation? As my eloquent friend EKD says “Listen dicks, this is my LIFE!”

So, each day, while the kids are at school, I rest a lot and try to distract myself by doing all the things that need to get done every day. I call my doctors and leave messages with assistants, hoping that someone calls me back that day. Sometimes I take pain pills, sometimes I don’t just to be clear headed and experience the pain to make sure I’m not making it up.

I know. I sound crazy.

So this morning I thought ‘screw you stomach’ and started cleaning maniacally and taking care of all sorts of stuff I had been neglecting. (I was channeling you, BE, because I know you’d like to be scrubbing instead of healing. XO) After being super productive, I allowed myself to rest.

I am keeping this INSANE journal of everything I’m doing to find a pattern in this madness. Eating is a total chore. I’ve been keeping up with water and watermelon seems to be fine. Don’t worry…this won’t turn into The Karen Carpenter story. I’m aware that I need to eat and am making a concerted effort. It’s just hard.

Even through all of this bullshit though, I can still find things that make happy and feel content and ever so grateful. I’ll take that. It could be so much worse…

I am…

2010-09-07T12:04:00.001-06:00

by Hadley Provost, age 8

I am friendly and an animal lover.

I wonder how animals talk to each other.

I hear the whisper of all statues.

I see a dragon’s eyes.

I want a kitten.

I am friendly and an animal lover.

I pretend I am the President.

I feel, if I really tried to, I could fly with the birds.

I touch the hair of a monster.

I worry about my gecko, Sonny.

I cry when my pets cry.

I am friendly and an animal lover.

I understand that I have a little brother.

I say circuses should NOT have animals.

I dream about my old cat, Stan.

I try to be a good example for Finn.

I hope my family will never be poor.

I am friendly and an animal lover.

I just loved this. I pulled it out of her backpack, read it and then sat right down on the floor and read it again. The words in bold were there and she filled in the rest.

I don’t feel emotional really at the normal milestones during my children’s lives. I felt a little bad this year as I cheerfully put my kids on the bus on the first day of school without shedding a tear.

Randomly though, something like this will hit me and make me cry just because I’m in awe. I love the insight into her creative little mind. My sweet rare bird.

what it feels like to have lupus

2010-08-31T22:59:00.001-06:00

“You can plan all you want to. You can lie in your morning bed and fill whole notebooks with schemes and intentions. But within a single afternoon, within hours or minutes, everything you plan and everything you have fought to make yourself, can be undone as a slug is undone when salt is poured on him. And right up until the moment when you find yourself dissolving into foam you can still believe you are doing fine.”

from Crossing to Safety by Wallace Stegner

i am still strong and surrounded by love and light

2010-08-18T10:36:00.001-06:00

I was officially diagnosed with breast cancer on August 13, 2009. The 13th came and went without me remembering. It was only today when I was listening to a CD a friend made for me during that time that I remembered. (Side note: Can I just say I LOVE mix CDs? They are made with love and thought and give me a insight into what makes that particular person who they are.)

Back to cancer.

I don’t even know what date people use to say how long it’s been since they’ve had cancer. No one gave me a handbook.

I would probably say it would be more like Sept. 11, 2009, because that’s when they actually removed my breasts, and the cancer. But maybe it is the 13th. Who cares, really?

I can’t believe it’s been a year.

I think back frequently to the avalanche of love and support and feel so so grateful. It was a surreal time for so many reasons, both good and bad.

It seems like yesterday and a million years ago.

It really puts everything into perspective, like so many other of the big events in my life recently. Having children, being diagnosed with a chronic illness, the death of my amazing Dad….

Nothing is too big too handle. And most things are stupid and not worth worrying about.

The last step is to get my knipples tattooed, a task which I’m strangely looking forward to. I’ve always wanted a tattoo. Now I can say I have two! Although, things might get a little awkward when people ask 1) what they are and 2) if they can see them. However, flashing seems to be something I just do for sport these days so who knows!

on the spectrum

2010-08-15T14:36:00.001-06:00

I go through these phases where I fall upon something that fascinates me and I gobble up every available morsel of information about it.

Currently, my obsession is autism.

It started when I watched HBO’s Temple Grandin, the biopic about a woman growing up autistic in the 50s and 60s. (expertly portrayed by Claire Danes)

That led me to read one of Temple Grandin’s books, The Way I See It, as well as check out from the library ALL of the other books she has written, including a memoir by her mother.

Temple Grandin is the first person to accurately describe what it feels like to have autism. I found the information fascinating, not only as an insight into autism but human behavior in general. I really do believe that MANY people exhibit symptoms on the autism spectrum.

I find her wildly inspirational and super interesting. She is a highly regarded expert on Autism, has her doctorate in Animal Sciences and was instrumental in designing humane livestock facilities in the 80s. Phenomenal.

She spoke at TED in June 2010. Check it out.

I also recently saw Autism:The Musical, which I highly recommend. (you can stream it on Netflix for free)

AUTISM: THE MUSICAL counters today's bleak statistics with one woman's optimistic pledge to lead a group of autistic children in defying diagnosed expectations by writing, rehearsing and performing their own full-length musical.

I spent a good amount of time in awe of the parents.

Autism usually doesn’t present when the child is born. When it does appear (2,3 or 4 yrs usually) I would think it is almost like a death, depending on the severity, of course. The autism spectrum is quite large. In most severe cases, you have a normal, happy, healthy child and then one day, she stops looking you in the eye and starts to behave erratically. I can’t imagine the heartbreak.These parents grieve the life they thought their child would have and the life they thought they, as parents, would have.

However, as with anything, you have to keep going. It takes energy, commitment, love and positivity. You see that in this film.

love note

2010-08-13T08:00:00.000-06:00

Peter isn’t romantic in the traditional sense of the word. I have to remember that when my brother-in-law V does something swoon worthy for my sister. (he’s good.)

He IS romantic, though, in a delightful, surprising way. I have come to appreciate that over the years. I now know it’s the little things every day that make my life sweet, not grand gestures. (Although, it must be said, there have been lovely grand gestures as well.)

Case in point:

While out of town last week he sent me a email with “a word for you” in the subject line.

The word?

UXORIOUS

I had to look it up.

It means “excessively fond of or submissive to a wife”

I found it incredibly romantic and like to say the word out loud. I also like to pretend he had the word commissioned just for me.

pic from weheartit.com

Happy weekend, lovers.

how to be alone

2010-08-12T20:33:00.001-06:00

Peter has been traveling a lot lately. He works from home so when he’s gone and the kids are at school, it is, as Bjork would say, “oh so quiet.”

And I love it. I really really love to be alone. It fuels me. Sometimes I find myself smiling for no reason. I’m always surprised at people who won’t go anywhere by themselves. A movie. Dinner. Exploring. Anywhere. Don’t get me wrong, I love being social as well, it’s just a delicate balance. I can’t enjoy one without the other. I NEED to be alone or I can’t function.

I found this video absolutely breathtaking and inspiring. I love everything about it. It is aptly titled “how to be alone.”

Enjoy.

found via dailypoetics

I hesitate sometimes to write about how I’m feeling physically because who really cares, right? No one wants to hear the daily blathering of a sick girl.

However, it soothes me if I put it down somewhere. Take it from my brain where the pain makes me feel crazy and like I somehow made it up. Sort of like if you have a host of things to do swimming in your head, write them down and it will free up space and energy. You, readers, are my sounding board, so thank you.

I’m down to the minimum of my pain meds and my body is well aware. I am exhausted and so achy that the stairs are my enemy. The stomach problems persist. MOTHERF*CK. I just can’t win.

Husband flew home today and we snuck in a nap before the kids got home from school, which was a cozy highlight of the day.

not a rookie anymore

2010-08-12T08:00:00.000-06:00

I’ve mentioned before how much I love Tavi Gevinson from StyleRookie. It astounds me that she is 14 years old and I want to bottle her up, turn her into glitter and douse Hadley with all of her magic. I also want to applaud her parents and tell them to give me all of their child rearing secrets.

+++

She spoke in June at Big Ideas in Toronto. You have to watch it. Could you have done this at 14? Are her speaking skills perfect? No. But it doesn’t matter. I just beam with pride listening to her, as a woman, as a mother, and as a former awkward, 14 year old girl who wanted/needed to be heard. Her future is so bright.

header from StyleRookie

The Kids Are All Right, I Guess

2010-08-11T09:15:00.001-06:00

I saw “The Kids Are All Right.” (skip this if you haven’t seen it or don’t want to know anything about it.)

I wish I had seen it before everyone proclaimed it to be the best movie in all of the land ever ever ever. I liked it and found it quite lovely but I much prefer seeing things without expectations.

Julianne Moore seemed a little awkward. I know her character IS awkward and insecure but at times I thought she was going to slip into her character from 30 Rock. Do you watch 30 Rock? She was on last season as Alec Baldwin’s girlfriend from high school with this “wicked pissah” Boston accent. She talks lower like she did in the movie, so I found it distracting.

Then I was totally distracted by Mark Ruffalo’s character’s hot girlfriend because I couldn’t figure out what she had been in before. Turns out its Yaya DaCosta from America’s Next Top Model 2004. (thank you imdb!)

I did enjoy Annette Bening. She was at her best. And there were moments that summed up parenthood and family life really beautifully.

My favorite favorite moment though, and my heart fills with warm gooeyness when I think about it, was when Nic and Jules (A. Bening and J. Moore) were lying in bed facing each other and Nic says “I love you, chicken” and Jules says “I love you too, pony.”

Sigh. There was such a beautiful intimacy to it. I think about it all the time. Not to mention I loved the use of such random terms of affection. Beautiful.

I thought it was a little heavy handed how Mark Ruffalo was depicted as such a playboy. Ok, we get it. He’s attractive and gets a lot of ass. The hetero sex scenes seemed a bit extraneous and acrobatic while the lesbian couple was completely under the covers. (although that could be a nod to the fact that when you’re married, things are just not that exciting.)

I really wanted Joni to wash and brush her hair, although I found her adorable and sweet. Same with Laser. Such a sweet kid. Except the part where he “discovers” his friend is a douche. I’m sorry, the friend SCREAMS douche long before he even suggests they pee on a stray dog.

Overall, I enjoyed it though…especially the Heath bar that I ate greedily like a kid who snuck out of fat camp.

Did you see it? Did you like it?

Invisible Singer

2010-08-10T17:38:00.001-06:00

found via DesignCrush

For you both

2010-08-10T10:22:00.001-06:00

Dear Hadley and Finn,

I know a lot of times I’m cranky and I wish I wasn’t.

I sigh A LOT out of impatience and annoyance.

I am short with you when I shouldn’t be and use that gross guttural voice to yell, that comes from deep within and makes me sound like a man.

I know sometimes I use swear words when I always thought I would NEVER. ( Nana swore about 5 times in her life and I remember where I was and what I was wearing when she did.)

As you both got on the bus for your first day of school, I felt like I was going to throw up I was so nervous. (more nervous for Finn, HJ, I knew you were going to be aces.) I didn’t cry. I was just super nauseous. I was also excited because you’re MY people and you’re spreading your wings and FLYING! Out in the world! Alone! That’s very very cool to think I am a part of that.

My long winded point is know that I love you. Deeply. Fiercely. Happily. Always and forever. With all of my heart. Make me proud, lovies.

Love,

Mom

First Day of School from Emily Provost on Vimeo.

lu lu lu lupus face

2010-08-08T13:00:00.001-06:00

Ok, so I don’t know if any of you heard or read all of the hoopla in late May about Lady Gaga having lupus. It’s not clear if she does or not. She says she has “borderline positive test results,” which is confusing to me but so is lupus so there you go. Her aunt also died from lupus.

If this is actually true, then hip hip hooray! You feeling me? I mean, I’m sorry if you do have it, Gaga, because lupus sucks. I can vouch for that. However, giving lupus the face of Lady Gaga would be fantastic as far as education and awareness.

She recently donated the necklace she wore in her Poker Face video to the Lupus Foundation of America, which I thought was really cool.

And now, Snoop Dog has come forward to say his daughter has lupus. Poor dear. While I feel awful for her and hope she is doing well, BRING ON THE PUBLICITY!

In my corner of the lupus world, all of my stomach tests came back fine. The ultrasound was fine. The tech even said “My, you have a beautiful pancreas!” (I shit you not.)

They now think it is my lupus meds causing the problems, specifically the ones that help me feel human every day. Awesome! (sung in really high operatic voice) I’m tapering down off of them slowly but UGH, it sucks. I’m sure that’s where my stank mood is coming from. Pain has a tendency to make you hate everyone and everything.

On the plus side, my stomach issues are getting a little better. Sounds bizarre to say that’s the plus side. I’m still particularly enjoying food at all. It’s just fuel.

I have a call into my rheumatologist to discuss the next steps with my treatment. Lessening stomach pain = great! Constant pain and super achy joints = not so great. In the morning, before I take my pills, it’s difficult to grip my tea mug. I mean, I can, but it hurts. Mornings are tough. It takes me a bit to get going and now that some of my drugs are being cut out, it’s taking me a bit LONGER to get going.

Seeking out humor last night, Peter and I watched Daniel Tosh’s Completely Serious. You can stream it for free on Netflix too. The demographic is very obviously men 18-42, but throw me in there too because the guy is hilarious. I love him. Warning: He is wildly offensive. Wildly. Did I say he was offensive? Yes. He is. He’s also super smart, kind of geeky and has fantastic random pop culture references. So now, I love him.

I’m sure I’m late to the Daniel Tosh party but he has a show on Comedy Central called Tosh.O. I haven’t seen it but after checking out some clips of the show, it looks hilarious. Sort of Talk Soupish. Remember when Greg Kinnear hosted Talk Soup in the olden days?

School starts tomorrow. Hell to the yes. Although excited to be free of the blue eyed devils, I have caught myself being a bit sad that I won’t have Finn with me during the day anymore.The things that we would do during the day sometimes after I picked him up at 12:30 (museums, parks, shows, etc) will no longer be an option for us. He and Hadley don’t get home until 4:15. (Note: Upon closer inspection of my memories, I am now remembering Finn mostly squawking about being bored and wanting to go home to play Mario. So don’t think it was all sunshine and rainbows. The kids a professional whiner with a penchant for sweets. He’s lucky he’s gorgeous.)

Sad. And weird. But good. Change is good. Or so they say. (I didn’t say that last night when Peter was installing new software on my computer. I sounded like ET when he screams at Gertie. Change! AHHHHH! CHANGE!!!!!!) It was very gutteral. Not cute.

Next Chapter: Provosts – The Elementary Years.

seeking solace

2010-08-07T09:48:00.001-06:00

Last night, PGP and I watched my darling nieces and nephew so the much loved A&M could have a proper date night out.

Let me set the stage.

Here are the ages: 12, 10, 8, 6 and 3. Plus, 2 puppies (10mo old Oliver Twist & 5mo old Bubba the bulldog) and Atticus Finch (a distinguished 10yrs)

I drank a Red Bull before everyone came and made peace with the impending chaos.

We had a really great time.

A few times during the evening, we all wondered aloud what it would be like if they were all mine.

It was cute to see the kids working out who would bunk up with whom. We figured out we’d have to refinish the basement.

Keep in mind while we were playing the “what if Aunt Emmy had 5 kids game” this is the tape that was playing in my head: FIVE KIDS?!?!?!? SWEET JESUS! THE INSANITY? I COULDN’T DO IT. I NEED MORE VALIUM. AND LIQUOR. AND VALIUM. AND LIQUOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

I often wonder how I can make sure my children will be as gracious and sensitive as Owen, 12 and Lyla, 10. They kept thanking me, and apologizing for any little malfunction. (A scuffle between my 3 year old niece Ottilia and the mighty Bubba the Bulldog) Such GOOD kids. I have a soft spot for Ottilia as she is the female version of Finn, full of spirit and energy.

After they all played and ate and played, I set them up with movies and popcorn. The “little ones” Finn and Ottilia, watched a younger movie in the living room, while the older kids watched another movie in the playroom.

All of the puppies were asleep, exhausted after chasing each other around all night.

And the dishwasher was full and humming.

I went upstairs to soak and wash my feet. (Does anyone else do this? Especially in the summer, I have to wash my feet before I get into bed after trolling around all day in flip flops.)

My brother came to pick up his brood and they all left in a flurry of hugs and thank yous.

I loved the swirl of feelings I experienced as I locked the door behind them: productive, tired in a great way, and love.

This morning, I am enjoying the quiet, with the sunlight streaming in, as I peruse the images from sugarock.

Simply stunning. Do yourself a favor and go take a peek at her work. Soooo beautiful.

Happy Saturday. I hope it’s relaxing. It’s supposed to be hot hot hot here, so I’m already flipping through my mental rolodex of air-conditioned activities. Peter has the kids at karate so the dogs and I are back in bed.

One more thing –- A belated welcome to the world to Cian James and Addison Grace. I love yo mamas! Nothing better than the smell of a new baby…

Respite

2010-08-05T13:24:00.001-06:00

+++

Anxiety, Irritation and Frustration have been the flavors of the week lately. For the last 4 or 5 weeks, actually.

I’m just over summer and the kids and I are sick of each other.

But I’m over being a cranky ninny. Time to blow the stink off, as Peter’s grandmother would say.

Today was different when I woke up.

I would like to attribute it to a lovely ladies night out last night with my faves, where my cracked, empty cup was glued back together and filled to the brim with goodness and fun, leaving me feeling whole again. I also was wearing a dress with shoes that are not a flip flop, had make up on and my hair up. I can’t remember the last time I felt so grown up.

All four of us went to school this morning for a Rise and Shine breakfast. (Note to organizers: Don’t call something “breakfast” if it’s really just tiny blueberry muffins from Costco and watery lemonade. I mean I didn’t expect Eggs Benedict but c’mon.)

Finn and Hadley met their teachers and dropped off supplies. Finn seemed a bit overwhelmed. Shit, I felt a little overwhelmed. It’s so crazy and crowded and squawky.

We came home at 9:30am and I set up the slip n’ slide in the backyard. I put on the Beach Boys and set up camp in the shade with iced tea, cantaloupe and magazines. At noon, I announced we were having a picnic! (in my excited, overly caffeinated voice) I carefully arranged fun little lunches and they ate outside in the sun, delighted to be doing so.

We JUST came in at 1pm.

Now, they are playing castle upstairs and are dressed as the “meanest couple in the world.” Hadley looks super chic in a black shift of mine and a headband. Finn’s wearing a cape, bien sur. There hasn’t even been a mention of TV or video games. This is a huge success for me, people.

The fighting has been minimal. I am declaring this day a raging success.

Postcard to Peter

2010-08-02T15:16:00.001-06:00

pic from Le Love

I Really Would Hurt a Fly

2010-07-30T10:31:00.001-06:00

I am a lover of all animals. Even bugs and spiders. But I really really fucking hate flies.

You know that saying “Oh, she wouldn’t hurt a fly!”

I would.

In fact, I saw one in the sink the other day and I purposely turned on the water and watched it drown. I felt like a total crazy serial killer because I was giggling maniacally when I did it. But they’re DISGUSTING. And the ones in my house are on steroids or some shit. I swear you could put a saddle on them.

And they’re dumb. I try to open the door and shoo them out, giving them a second chance at life, but no, they prefer to continue to fly into the window directly next to the open door to freedom.

I hate them.

This morning, HJ and I took Oliver (joyful joyful mischievous pup) and Atticus (dashing, handsome, older gentleman) on a walk. It’s always sort of comical. They are total Mutt and Jeff.

There are bunnies EVERYWHERE in our neighborhood. I mean EVERYWHERE, so it wasn’t unusual to see one crouching by a garage on our walk.

But then I saw them.

The flies.

All around this poor little thing.

Hadley immediately took action.

“Hold this, Mama.” she said as she handed Ollie’s leash to me and crept closer to the bunny.

It looked bad. The flies told me that. Bastards.

He was really hurt.

Hadley blurts out “You promised me if I ever found a hurt animal, I could help it!”

At this point, she was crying.

Ok, I say. Let’s take the dogs home and come back.

We go home and I look up Wildlife rescue online and call them.

The woman told me that no one would come. That it was better to leave it. I understood but my heart sank.

Then I held my Rare Bird as she sobbed for 30 minutes.

I told her to take her anger and sadness and put it to good use taking care of the animals we already have. So she put Sunny (gecko) in her travel container and took her outside to get her 20 minutes of sunshine.

And then she was fine. It was fascinating.

Husband comes home tonight. I’ve missed him terribly this week. Making a mental note to be sweet and adoring instead of cranky and exhausted. Wish me luck.

PS- I’ve been sucking at posting Thursday Loves regularly. I think I’ll just skip it and post whenever I feel like it.

Collector

2010-07-27T11:55:00.001-06:00

I have this habit of collecting artwork I love and then just holding on to it and never framing it. Well, sometimes I do frame it, but I have 4 or 5 that I NEED to frame because they make me happy.

Here is yet another Etsy find that I bought to frame from Pistachio Press.

Original art is so affordable and there are so many talented artists out there. This print, of course, makes me think of me and my furry boys. I also love the subtle pattern in the background. Plus, I just can’t resist letterpress. What is it? I immediately think “Oooo!” and want to touch it.

Kind of in a funk lately and feeling sorry for myself. Feeling SO so so tired and achy. And the heat doesn’t help. The stomach problem persists and really really sucks. I have constant nausea and pain. I have an ultrasound tomorrow and my gastroenterologist thinks it might be my gallbladder that is causing all of the problems. So, of course, if that’s it, they’ll have to take it out. The endoscopy was uneventful, except I think I know what it feels like to be roofied now. Bizarre experience. Not bad, just bizarre. Totally different from surgery because there really wasn’t a lot of prep time before. I mean, I was still wearing my clothes and shoes!

Did I tell you this already?

I’m always repeating myself.

Anyway, I’m over it and I’m being the meanest Mom ever. And my kids are being the suckiest kids ever in response to me being the meanest Mom ever.

Yesterday, I took them to Wendy’s for dinner and then Baskin Robbins for Ice Cream. Ok, I’ll totally get a ticket from the health police but whatever, i didn’t have to cook OR do dishes so suck it.

We do all that, which in my opinion is pretty damn cool and they’re still being jerks. It was on the tip of my tongue to say “You guys are total assholes.” But of course I didn’t. Then I actually had a mini dialogue with myself about why I couldn’t just tell them they were assholes, which had me laughing out loud.

I’m still on a reading bender. Can’t. Get. Enough! I just finished Live from New York, which was absolutely delicious. I am a comedy nerd and love to hear the ins and outs of things related to comedy. What happens BEHIND the scenes, especially with such an amazing, groundbreaking show. Plus, I’m fascinated by Lorne Michaels.

I am still trudging through Girl With The Hornet’s Nest. It’s strange, I just have no interest but I want to finish it, sort of.

I read Prep by Curtis Sittenfeld, which was a great read and I loved discussing it with the mucho analytical smarty Mrs. R. I’d like to read some other things by her.

I picked up Quantum Wellness yesterday for some help in the “my life is going to shit health wise” category and this could be helpful. We’ll see though. Sometimes these books just end up pissing me off.

Hope you’re having a lovely Tuesday, ladybugs.

Finn’s Obsessions

2010-07-26T16:04:00.001-06:00

The TV show, Wipeout, on ABC. It is a little boy’s dream show. It’s a crazy obstacle course. One of the courses is called “Big Balls.” For reals. If that doesn’t leave a boy in fits of laughter for 20 minutes, I don’t know what will. (full disclosure: It makes me laugh too. The hosts nickname everyone and one guy was called “Moobs” because he wanted to win the game and get breast reduction surgery. HI-larious. Every single time they called him “Moobs.”)

The book, Meanwhile: Pick Any Path. 3,856 Story Possibilities, by Jason Shiga. Finn carries it around. It’s like a cooler version of “Choose Your Own Adventure.” And I’m down with anything that gets him excited about reading. Plus, it’s insanely well done.

Slurpees. Every day he says “Mom, don’t you think today would be a good day for a Slurpee? Tastes so good on a hot hot day, don’t you think? Mom?” Indeed.

it was really just another day

2010-07-20T12:13:00.001-06:00

I’m 37 now. Turned 37 on July 18. Nothing spectacular but that’s ok. Nah, scratch that. Put me down for the spectacular. I enjoy that much more. Everything that COULD go wrong on my birthday did.

Hadley was adjusting to being back home after a week with her grandparents in Asheville, NC and by “adjusting” I mean being a total jerkface to her brother. My birthday soundtrack was her screaming at him. Literally, screaming. At one point Hadley said “Mom, my throat hurts from screaming.”

I stood there looking at her.

“Then don’t scream, jackass.”

Except I didn’t say “jackass”, I said “sweetie.” But I meant jackass.

What WAS spectacular was my gift. For weeks Peter would ask and I’d demur, not really knowing if I wanted anything.

That’s a lie though, I knew what I wanted and it was another dog. A dog to compliment my dashing Atticus. A small, non shedding, snuggle bug, who doesn’t bark or yip and loves people.

I found him last week (on July 13th, my Dad’s birthday) looking online at Denver Dumb Friends league and I knew in my heart this dog and I were meant to be. I had to get there ASAP before someone else could get their grubby hands on him. I called Peter as I drove to the shelter. He could hear it in my voice.

“So, this is what you want for your birthday, huh?”

“Yes!” I said triumphantly.

Leave it to me, the control freak, to end up getting my present from Peter myself.

And truly he is the greatest gift. THE best. Who abandons a dog that looks like this? I love him. And, just as I’d hoped, he adores me.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present Oliver Twist.

I have been Cranky Crankerson lately. Bad. Ask Peter. He may call me Snarky McSnarkerson though. I have been snarky. I finally put my finger on it.

I would like school to start.

Tomorrow.

August 9th is when they start and that can’t some soon enough. All of this unstructured time just makes me nuts. Also their expectation that I am to be juggling, while doing a soft shoe, making snacks and taking them to wondrous, fun places is obscene. I am on strike. Screw it.

I love my children. I really really really do. I’m just a better mother when I am not with them all of the time.

While looking for patience and inspiration this morning I found this on Raven and Lamb:

Love it love it love it.

Time to unclench my jaw and go where the day takes me. Wherever it takes me I will for sure be listening to Lady Gaga’s Alejandro on repeat.

Druthers

2010-07-15T12:03:00.001-06:00

Saw this poster, smiled widely and thought “Exactly!” (found via Design Crush. Poster by Dear Colleen)

Dolphins Are Just Gay Sharks

2010-07-12T16:45:00.001-06:00

My friend AXM sent me this comic and I literally have been laughing all day thinking about it. Sharks and big words. Two great tastes that go great together.

(I’m aware I’m a total nerd.)

And at that moment, the world was sort of small and perfect

2010-07-07T14:20:00.001-06:00

+++

Hello world.

Life is speeding by, is it not?

Geez.

I’m enjoying it and trying not to spill my Fun Dip.

Lupus wise, all is quiet but of course, there is other drama. There always is, you know. My stomach is on strike. Something is amiss. It sucks. The doc’s doing an endoscopy on the 16th and that can’t come soon enough. Blech. He gave me some meds (Dexilant)that worked up until a few days ago when it just. stopped. BLARG. Constant pain. No appetite but I have to eat to have energy. I’ve been off dairy for a week and a half. Nothing. I’m trying to ignore it and push forward because I have shit to do, dammit. My darling Finny’s 6th birthday is tomorrow with his party on Saturday. Then, on Sunday, the rare bird, HJ, flies across the country (alone – her 2nd time – no big whoop) to stay with Grammy and Bompie in Asheville, NC. See? I don’t have time for ailments. (Funny side note: Hadley asked if a town car could come pick her up and take her to the airport. (What fear?) Sorry child, you’ll have to deal with your pedestrian parents taking your 8 year old ass to the airport.)

PLUS, you would think with stomach issues that perhaps I would lose a few pounds? Um, no. Instead, I have convinced myself that someone snuck into my house and washed all of my clothes on the hot cycle. Must.Not.Pop.Button up here in Bloat City.

Here are things that have been making me happy lately:

+The 4th of July. It was everything it is supposed to be: family, fireworks, fun, delicious picnic food, chaotic and strangely delicious even though it rained and was cold. The soundtrack the whole weekend was The Beach Boys, which helped greatly in creating a breezy, happy vibe.

+ So You Think You Can Dance – The passion and joy of these dancers is inspiring, really, as cheesy as it sounds. They’re young and eager and talented. It’s just refreshing. And who doesn’t love that Cat Deeley?

+ stolen moments alone – usually while driving, with music picked to suit my mood blaring from the speakers so loud I can feel it in my skin.

+being at the library

+swimming. Even though I could surely tell the kids that I wasn’t going to get in, because they can swim on their own, I always get in. And it never fails to feel fantastically refreshing.

+Russell Brand. The British accent coupled with rapier wit and fantastic vocabulary makes me extremely happy. I don’t find anything attractive about him physically, quite frankly. It’s all about the brain.

+being productive. I’ve had a surge of energy as of late and I’ve been using every last bit of it. It’s rare for me to feel fully productive and it feels amazing. (I’m talking about doing…gasp!…three things in one day, like mowing the lawn AND going to the grocery store AND cleaning a few rooms. Seriously, that’s unheard of in my world.)

+my tomato plant. I don’t grow things. I’m not good at it. But this little sucker is doing well and thriving! (Wait, strike that. I do geraniums but you can’t kill them.)

+Hadley’s new gecko, Sunny. Now, I was against this thing in the beginning, but she has warmed my heart. I know you shouldn’t anthropomorphize a stupid lizard but she is quickly becoming a much loved Provost. (sorry for the crap photo quality. It’s from my phone.)

Happy day to you, Chicklettes.

Thursday Loves (Friday edition)

2010-07-02T15:53:00.001-06:00

+++

+fireflies!

+my new suit from Athleta. LOVE IT!

+ Fabulous artwork (via Swissmiss)

+ Sweet, cheap glasses

+ taking care of myself, having energy and feeling good

+singing “Frere Jacques” to Luca with Meg as she changed his diaper, thinking about how much I love her and also how we kind of sounded good!

+ This site is super cool and not too spendy. I love the idea of having clothes customized. I have my eye on a couple of frocks.

+ The homeless guy who did a little jig when I gave him money a few weeks ago.

+ When H’s little friend said “I like your hair, Mrs. Provost.” It was a weird mixture of flattery and feeling really really old.

+ Bookshelf porn. Is it just me that thinks books are hot?

+ Looking forward to a trip to Sayulita in January with my besties.

+ Enjoying eating really really clean. My gastroenterologist is trying to figure out my latest ailment (probably an ulcer. sweet!) so he has taken me off of dairy for 2-3 weeks. I feel really really good. And it’s not too terrible. Of course it’s only day 4. I’m breaking out though, which I could do without.

+ Peanut Butter Cups from Alicia Silverstone’s vegan cookbook The Kind Diet. I didn’t make them, my sis did, but MAN, are they goooooooood.

+ Reading reading reading and reading some more. (more on that another day)

Wishing you a sparkly holiday with people you adore.

Bailed Out

2010-07-01T17:05:00.001-06:00

Summer has swallowed me up.

With the kids home, it’s lots and lots of getting snacks and running to and fro keeping them busy. Any free time I have, I’m reading, watching a movie or sleeping.

Exhausting.

But in a kind of a good way (most days). We’ve gotten into a good rhythm where we do something in the morning or early afternoon. Then the blue eyed devils know I have to lie down or nap so they get to watch a movie. I crash as soon as my face hits the pillow and usually wake up drooling about 4. Then it’s time for act 2. Around 4, they go stir crazy so we usually head to the pool or to do SOMETHING active before dinner.

I can honestly say I’ve been enjoying this summer, which is a pleasant surprise. Trying to look for a little joy in every day helps and I tend to find it.

Jumping to another topic, not so joyful. No segway. My apologies.

My children lost my dog.

Two days ago, one of the kids didn’t close the door all the way when we went to the library. Atticus got out and ambled away. He doesn’t RUN away, you see, he just sort of wanders following his nose.

In the chaos of the day, I didn’t figure it out until it was time for him to eat at 5pm. Realizing he was gone, I grabbed Peter and we did the thing we usually do: scour the neighborhood, whistling and calling him. Usually, we’ll see him sniffing around someone’s yard, only to hear my voice and look up at me like “Hey! I was just thinking about you!”

But this time, we didn’t find him.

I was crying. The kids knew I was upset. And they knew it was their fault and I meant business. They were super quiet. Hadley kept apologizing. I had stopped crying and was just silent, staring out the window, brokenhearted.

Those who know me, know how much I love this dog. Like I gave birth to him. He is never more then a few feet away from me and just looking at him makes my heart soar.

I made 25 signs and we drove around hanging them up. Taping them to the poles became increasingly more difficult as my energy was depleted and devastation consumed me.

This was the picture on the sign. (He’s randomly wearing Mardi Gras beads in this picture) I had to keep looking at his face every time I posted a sign. We got home and Peter went out and posted 10 more.

At about 8pm, a woman called and said that she saw her neighbor with a chocolate lab on her front porch and animal control was there taking him. The woman who called lives about 3 blocks from us. Why didn’t she just call us, you ask? Oh, because HE DIDN’T HAVE HIS COLLAR ON. The jingling of the tags makes me crazy so I take it off. Bad mama.

Atticus had to spend the night in the slammer. I have his mug shot to prove it.

I didn’t sleep well and was up with the sun waiting for this place to open. When we got there and posted his $55 bail, they brought out my baby.

He was so excited to see me that he busted past Peter and Hadley and jumped into my arms. Total mama’s boy. I could tell he was super stressed out and he smelled like pee and dirty dog. I just kept saying “I’m sorry! I’m sorry!!”

We took him straight to the Wag N’ Wash and got him the deluxe spa treatment PLUS a new collar with a special thing that keeps the tags quiet.

I’m not kidding when I say he has been sleeping for two days. And really hasn’t left my side.

Talk about traumatic. I know most people don’t get it and think “it’s a dog. so what?”

Well, suck it. He’s my first born and has comforted me through so much. Dare I say I love him as much as my children? Perhaps. He is everything that is good in the world wrapped in a chocolate brown coat and big brown eyes.

Happy Canada Day to all of the Canadians!

NOLA

2010-06-22T08:46:00.001-06:00

Cue the music to Clapton’s “Hello Old Friend.”

Hey.

So, it’s been a while.

Peter and I went to New Orleans (don’t say New OrLEENS to me. Just don’t.) in the beginning of June because Peter had a geek conference and I was going to tag along to have a kid free trip. I didn’t blog about it because I didn’t want the interwebs to know we were going to be gone and my three darlings would be alone. I say “three” because it was Hadley, Finn and Taylor.

Yes, Taylor came from Seattle to stay here while we frolicked in NOLA for 5 days alone. FIVE.

It was difficult to leave the house because I wanted to stay and play with Taylor. Anyone who meets her knows she’s magical. It’s true. The kids, of course, couldn’t get us out of the house fast enough. Finn kept saying “She’ here, now GOOOO!”

New Orleans was lovely. When is it not? Nothing like that Southern hospitality and charm. I ate, slept until 11 or 12 every day, ordered room service, spent as much time as I could in air conditioning, saw two movies and relaxed my ass off. It was absolutely fantastic. Truly.

I have zero pictures because I lost my camera. (insert sad face – total bummer) I need a new one. I want a sweet one like Meg’s but that thing is HUGE. I’d never take it anywhere. Suggestions are welcome. I want a digital SLR that’s not enormous.

Summer is in delicious,full,sweaty swing. Hope yours is going well.

Goodies

2010-05-31T10:17:00.001-06:00

Lately, Back to Nature’s Sunflower Seed and Pumpkin Seed granola has been a constant for breakfast or mid morning snack. I put a cup of berries in it and have it with milk or yogurt and my tea. Divine. (eating it now…)

We like fruit snacks up in here but they have to be GOOD fruit snacks, meaning soft, and tasting like FRUIT. We’re fruit snack snobs. The majority of the fruit snacks on the market taste like wax with some high fructose corn syrup mixed in to confuse everyone. Retch. I’ve mentioned Annie’s fruit bunnies (we’re partial to the berry patch flavor) and recently I found in the baby aisle Tasty Brand fruit snacks. Super delicious.

We’ve been making popsicles and smoothies like nobody’s business. (I add egg white to the smoothies for protein. Don’t tell my children.) Summer time eating is so easy and fun. I love the casualness of it. Last night the kids had fruit, cheese and crackers for dinner while we watched the original Karate Kid.

I was all sorts of wiped out after we went to our friends’ annual Memorial Day party. I got too much sun and had a few too many Moscow Mules. It was SUCH a fun party though. Saw lots of awesome peeps I hadn’t seen since last year. I can’t remember how many people I dragged into the bathroom to flash the new rack..6 of 7?

On that front,..everything is healing really well and next up with be the tattooing of the areola. I’m going to have ELK document the process which will be cool.

Wishing you an enjoyable Memorial Day. I’m trying to be present and remember why today is important. Thank you to all of the soldiers and their families.

Bright Spot

2010-05-28T16:24:00.001-06:00

I watched An Education last night and loved it. I think I’m the last person on the planet to have seen it and I wish I would have seen it in the theater. EVERYTHING is better in the theater.

I loved how my perspective would change as I watched and I identified with it on so many levels. I watched as a naive 16 year old eager to experience the world and flee from the normalcy and mundanity of my life. I watched as a woman, knowing that excitement and glamour are the ultimate aphrodisiacs. I watched as a mother, seething at this predator who so masterfully slithered his way into the life of a young girl and her parents. And obviously, I watched as a lover of movies, especially perfectly crafted ones with phenomenal acting.

The title is brilliant. After the movie, I of course, had to search every single thing I could find on Lynn Barber, her memoir and the making of this movie. (Got to love the internet. I used to drag my arse to the library to delve deeper into fascinating subjects, most memorably Ted Bundy.) Finding out Nick Hornby wrote the screenplay immediately made sense. Of course he did. He masterfully weaves language into a tale like no one else.

Go read an excerpt of the memoir she wrote for The Observer. Fascinating.

And was it just me or did the sublime Carey Mulligan look like Katie Holmes occasionally?

Summer Sisters

2010-05-24T14:14:00.001-06:00

Go read my sister’s latest post. She is the epitome of lovely. I envy the way she thinks about things and the way she phrases them. So poignant and beautiful. Those kids and parents are beyond lucky to have her as their teacher.

Lately, Meg and I have been in hog heaven being so much closer to each other after her move. It’s really only about 10 minutes closer but we’re acting like we live next door to each other. It’s delightful to have her pop over whenever.

They just left after hanging out here for bit to escape contractors at their house. I did a puzzle with the Mia, while Luca crawled everywhere and squawked at Finn, who was annoying him. Finn and Mia had orange juice popsicles I made in these popsicle molds.

“This is the good part" I thought after they left. “This is why I love my life.”

Simple pleasures, like living near cousins.

Even though I’m mentally back to blogging, I haven’t been doing so because of all of the end of year school craziness and the pretty weather which begs to be frolicked in.

Back On The Chain Gang

2010-05-19T16:56:00.001-06:00

And we’re back.

Oh I’ve missed you and kept reminding myself to tell you things.

I finally saw WHIP IT the other night and it made me: nostalgic for Texas strangely, want to be an alternative 17 year old just discovering what she’s made of, a bad ass roller derby girl and also a tolerant, accepting parent. It was a lovely, joyful, thoughtful little flick. Ellen Page is adorable. I found it distracting that Drew Barrymore was in it though. I just didn’t think it was necessary for HER (she directed it) to play the seemingly retarded character she played. (a brutish, stoner hippie – TRITE!) That was really my only gripe though. I loved the cast.

I’ve also been reading various tomes on parenting, secular humanists and serial killers to name a few. Interesting and random stuff. I’m still slogging through Monster of Florence. It’s good but I’m kind of indifferent. Mudbound is a great little read that I’m enjoying it immensely. I’ll be done tomorrow probably. My friend S recommended Little Bee a while ago and that has been top of mind.

TED.com has been consuming a lot of time too. How can you not want to watch ALL of the talks??? This is a good one I watched this morning sent by my darling brainy PGP. Elizabeth Pisani is a super brilliant woman and speaker talking about “inconsistencies in today's political systems that prevent our dollars from effectively fighting the spread of HIV.” Check it out.

TED is coming to University of Denver soon and I keep dreaming that tickets will magically fall out of the sky for my me and my husbie.

Let’s see. what else?

Massage really helps with my lupus and I melt under the touch of a great masseuse. Recently, my body was SCREAMING out for one so I booked it and couldn’t wait to get on the table. Turns out they FREAK (understandably so) that I've had cancer and two lymph nodes removed as massage can cause Lymphedema. The risk of me developing it is pretty low, but it’s still there and will be there FOREVER. The masseuse, Harmony (apt name, eh?) was well versed on Lymphedema and didn’t want to inflame any tissue (translation: give me a proper massage) so the massage was very mediocre and super light. She was very apologetic and said she just couldn’t risk injuring me.

I left the place shaking my head. Seriously, can I catch a fucking break? I have this ridiculous chronic illness that is made better by massage. However, because I have had breast cancer and my two sentinel lymph nodes removed, I am at an increased risk for lymphedema.

Ridiculous.

I lost my camera on Saturday at Finn’s karate tournament. I was really really pissed at myself for a few hours. Then we went out to lunch and as Peter and I were sharing a delicious chocolate malted shake he said “It’s just a camera, honey.”

That of course threw me into a tizzy because I wanted him to be furious at me. A thought he found hilarious.

“You’re already mad enough for both of us and nothing is going to change the situation.”

True.

Mmmm…milkshake.

And the World Spins Madly On

2010-05-06T12:00:00.001-06:00

Hello gorgeous.

I am enjoying my little blog break, continuing to heal, eating lots of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and watching good movies.

Have a lovely weekend and tell yo mama you love her.

Blame It On The Rain

2010-04-23T09:35:00.001-06:00

The weather in Denver has been Seattle like lately and should remain the same for the rest of the week. (Although this morning it was snowing when I woke up. Wha?) While I love the rain, It’s interesting the feelings it brings back of when we lived in Washington. I’ve actually been anxious wondering “Will it STAY like this??” The dreariness is oppressive. We lived there for about 4 years and I never got used to it. While living there I heard people say all kinds of things about how long it takes to “get used to it.” I kept waiting for the moment I was “used to it.” Never happened.

Sometimes I play this little game of what I would do differently if we lived there again. (Full disclosure: It could happen someday.) I would have my shrink on speed dial (duh), have light boxes in every room, live in a house made of windows, and go somewhere warm and sunny at least once a winter.

Oh and also, I would buy some bright Hunter boots to cheer me up.

Having said all of that, I love Seattle like a sibling that you are allowed to criticize but the second someone ELSE does you go all crazy and freak out on them. It really is a glorious place and I’ve met some of my favorite people there.

I would like to change my Thursday Loves from yesterday. I am officially over HJ playing and singing all of the damn day. Yes she is still the most darling little sprite but I’m starting to hate “Let it Be” which is like sacrilege, right? She needs to learn a new song.

Also, I have decided that people who hate Glee are hysterical and make valid points. My love will continue but I ain’t mad atcha.

In other news, I’m debating taking a blog break. It feels like work lately and I’m not feeling remotely funny or interesting. You know it’s bad when you’re even boring yourself. snoooooooooooooooze.

Thursday Loves

2010-04-22T10:53:00.001-06:00

Can’t find the source to this picture but isn’t it lovely? Dear Henna…

HJ on the piano: Hadley learning “Let It Be” on the piano. She practices all the time and it is becoming so full and rich sounding. Yesterday she started singing while playing and I stopped breathing for a second. It was so sweet and soft. The other night Peter was playing it with her while singing and before I knew it tears were streaming down my face. I love my little family.

GLEE! I love that Lea Michele (Rachel Berry) and Jonathan Groff (Jesse St. James) are playing love interests on the show. They starred in Spring Awakening on Broadway, which pleases the little theater geek in me to no end. The have such chemistry and he’s hilarious as Jesse St. James. That show is so delicious. It’s like cake for breakfast good.

Cooking More: So for a while now I’ve been trying to embrace dinner and make delicious, fresh, simple dinners. I think I wrote about it once. It went well for like, a week, which is the way things usually go, and then I got sick or have surgery or give up. I gave it another try and last night’s dinner delighted me and energized me – Asparagus and Gruyere tart with a caprese salad on the side. The kids had raspberries too. Doesn’t that sound summery? I kept smelling the fresh basil, which transports me to summertime.

Reading Reading Reading… I finished The Girl Who Plays with Fire, the follow up to The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. They both were fantastic and I am eagerly awaiting the US release of the 3rd book, The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet’s Nest.

I flew through “Undress Me In The Temple Of Heaven” (how great is that title?) about two girls in 1986, who go backpacking in the People’s Republic of China. I smile when I think about it just because my parents would SO not have let that fly. Scary times. It was a really good, quick read though. It reminded me of my European backpacking days, where I slept in train stations sometimes and really had no standards but was just happy to be out and about exploring the world.

I’m antsy not having a book to read right now and have finished my VOGUE so I’m sure I’ll pick one up this week. I never got “The Monster of Florence” so perhaps I’ll pick that up. Also, I have these on my list of potentials:

The Great Oom: The improbable birth of yoga in America

Anatomy of an Epidemic: Magic bullets, Psychiatric Drugs, and the Astonishing Rise of Mental Illness in America

Kaboom: Embracing the Suck in a Savage Little War

Still Life: Adventures in Taxidermy

Mudbound

A trip to Tattered Cover is in order for sure…

Normal?

2010-04-21T10:50:00.001-06:00

(real life Liechtenstein girl via illusion360)

Alert the presses. I’m starting to feel like a normal person! Ok, maybe not completely normal yet. I’m still Franken-boobies with an 8 inch hurty scar across my belly, but I’m getting there. I feel like I can move on with my life now which is so freeing. I’ve been carrying this backpack of breast cancer weight all freaking year and now I can drop it.

The knips look like they got into a drunken, bloody brawl so they are all bandaged up and have these foam donut things around them to protect them. They don’t hurt or anything because I have no sensation in my breasts. I have to wear this donut ridiculousness for a few more weeks, which blows, but whatever. I’m just layering jog bras with tank tops and t-shirts and sporting soft yoga pants.

Um, ok, so I’m basically wearing the same thing I always wear.

I tried wearing jeans a few days ago and that hurt like a mother scratcher. No thank you.

The PA was telling me that if jeans continue to bother me and rub my scar, I can wear spanx under my jeans.

I’m sorry?

I just ignored that part because the thought of wearing spanx under jeans make me a little nauseous. And the thought of the scar bothering me for longer than a few months pissed me off/freaked me out so I ignored that part too.

I’m craving asparagus so I’m off to the grocery. Happy Wednesday, lovers

PS- The Book Of Awesome is out, which is well, awesome. Here’s a great interview with the author, Neil Pasricha. He is so positive and optimistic. I love it. I’m sure you’ve seen his site, 1000 Awesome Things. It’s a lovely treat and makes me happy.

MoMA on a Monday

2010-04-19T09:36:00.001-06:00

I found this to be a beautiful and inspiring start to the week. Enjoy.

(from Refinery29.com)

Nips and Tuck

2010-04-16T15:27:00.001-06:00

So the surgery went off without a hitch. I have knipples! Dare I say it was enjoyable? Well, maybe not enjoyable, but not stressful.

I had all of the same nurses, and anesthesiologist. It was like a cocktail party, except I was lying in a bed in a hideous hospital gown with no cocktail. There was lots of chatting and laughing as they bustled around me doing all of the pre-surgery stuff.

My surgeon came in and drew all over me with his purple marker. He put these stick on faux knipples and then said “Ok, go look and see if you like the placement.”

I had Peter come with me to be my “knipple consultant.”

Dr. B took a long half moon shape of skin from my belly to make the knipples and then gave me a little tummy tuck. BONUS! The scar is almost hip bone to hip bone. It’s crazy. Now, where there used to be that weird loose skin from having babies, it’s TAUT. I still have the stretch marks, but whatever. Hadley is pleased because she says I need the stretch marks to “prove” I had children. She did not want them to be gone. So sweet. I have told her in the past that I’m proud of them because they remind me how strong and powerful my body is to have carried two beautiful babies.

My boobs are all bandaged up and my whole chest is wrapped in saran wrap. It’s itchy as hell. I can shower tonight but the bandages don’t come off until Monday morning at my post op visit.

Here’s to a relaxing weekend and my last surgery being over!

Still Life

2010-04-14T10:04:00.001-06:00

Ok, so our little jaunt to Utah was lovely. Exhausting but lovely. To be able to take time out and be with my mom and my girl was so wonderful and necessary.

I had never been to Utah. So so so pretty. Really. Provo is nestled right in the mountains. It was beautifully distracting.

Mom, HJ and I hit up the three ‘must eat’ places that Justin suggested, which delighted me to no end because 1) I love to cross things off my list and 2) i love good non-chain food.

We went to Rooster for dinner, then Communal for lunch the next day and Pizzeria 712 for dinner that night. I was delighted to see artwork by Nikki McClure on the walls at Rooster.

These places did not disappoint! Delicious. I was so proud of Hadley. She was so adult about all of it. At Communal, she just sidled up to the chef at the bar and promptly wrapped him around her little finger until he made her pasta with butter. So sweet.

AND…I would like to publicly thank PGP for insisting that he put some GPS thingy on my phone. I went nuts with that thing and was SO glad to have had it.

The photo session was awesome. Charismatic and super sweet Justin Hackworth rules. He was immediately like a great friend or family even. Hadley LOVED him as he spoke “quirky kid” fluently and was so patient and sweet with our rare bird.

His office and studio space would have told me he ruled even before I met him. Tons of light (bien sur), high ceilings, a piano, huge comfy couch & good tunes (blind pilot).

In fact, this couch shot makes me laugh because Justin was actually shooting my mom at the time. I saw this poofy, comfy leather couch and collapsed while I was waiting for my turn. Hadley played on the piano nearby. All of a sudden, Justin says “Ok, stay there. Don’t move.” and starts taking pictures of me, exactly as I had sat down in a rumpled mess on the couch.

This is what I’m doing most days:

Here are some others that I just loved…The guy can do no wrong. I would also like to point out that I’ve been trying REALLY hard to be objective and look at these as the art that they are instead of nitpicking every little thing I dislike about myself. …sigh…it’s a process.

This one of me and Hadley is probably my absolute favorite. It makes my heart hurt for so many reasons…I love it.

This is the paparazzi shot. Love it. We were walking by this funky mural when he shot it. I know I know…you’re thinking “funky in Provo?” but there is some funk. It’s like newly sprouted funk but it’s there. Justin’s on a committee to bring the funk to Provo. For reals. He could totally do it.

I was so excited to be a part of his 30 Strangers project. Here is the link to our day if you haven’t seen it. I love checking out the new shots every few days.

THANK YOU AGAIN TO JUSTIN HACKWORTH! You’re OUR new favorite person, too.

In other news, my LAST surgery is TODAY! Woo hoo! Yes, that’s right kids, mama’s getting knipples. (remember I changed the spelling to avoid the pervs)

Like an idiot, I agreed to surgery at 2:45 so no food or drink from 6am on. ARGH. I keep swishing water around in my mouth and then spitting it out.

The procedure should take about 90 minutes and the recovery time should be minimal. Bring it on.

Shoot

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We leave for Salt Lake City in a few hours for the photo session with Justin Hackworth for his 30 Strangers project.

He actually lives in Provo, Utah. I’ve found great delight in my head thinking “The Provosts are going to Provo.” (side note: Peter’s whole Canadian family pronounces Provost without “st” so it sounds like “Provo.” Peter started pronouncing the “st” in college to make life easier.)

I’m excited to be with HJ and my mom and escape reality for a bit. Justin pointed me in the direction of some places for good eats and fun things to do.

Hadley and I had a ~~fight~~ talk about why I don’t want her to wear my grade school uniform skirt in the picture. (sigh)

You can check out the first 6 people of the project this year on his blog here.

Here are the photos from last year’s project. He’s tres talented.