These days...

These days...

Hello peanuts. 
Happy New Year! 
I hope you are settling in nicely to 2015. 
I don't make resolutions. I'm not a planner or long term goal setter. I don't know if its my personality or that I'm usually just trying to make it through the day. Perhaps both. I do love to read other people's though!

I saw this list on DesignCrush and unapologetically stole it. 

Making : lots and lots of piles
Cooking : rarely
Drinking : water - warm with lemon or ice cold.
Reading : Essay collections! The Unspeakable by Meghan Daum, Bad Feminist by Roxane Gay and One More Thing by BJ Novak
Wanting : to feel better
Obsessing: over puzzles, still. 
Looking : for the silver lining in chronic illness 
Playing : music to lift from the sickie sadness and winter doldrums
Wishing : that I was a young hooligan so I could make it to the 10:30 show of BROAD CITY LIVE at the Bluebird.
Enjoying : my family
Waiting : for The District's new album to come out
Liking : that Finn plays online games with Becca's (Old Same!) son. They hoot and holler on their headsets and it warms my heart.
Wondering : if I should straighten my hair
Loving : the age of my children currently (10 & 12)
Pondering : what H & F will be when they grow up
Considering : double and triple piercing my ears with my 12 year old
Watching : Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries on Netflix
Hoping : that I'm raising good people
Marveling : at HJ's bright pink hair. (This is us Xmas morning.)

Needing : to go grocery shopping
Smelling : like peppermint
Wearing : various versions of the "fancy sweatpant" that's all the rage, not styling it though, just a tank and no bra. #classy
Following : all orders given to me by my doc, like a good little patient. 
Wanting : to be at a beach
Noticing : that I'm getting stronger physically (go Pilates!)
Knowing : other people's opinions don't matter
Thinking : about how much I adore my mama
Feeling : fortunate
Admiring : people who make their creativity a priority
Sorting : various stupid paperwork on my desk
Buying : books!
Getting : into Pilates 
Bookmarking : vegan recipes, true crime articles
Disliking : eggshells in the sink 
Feeling : fuzzy headed

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Distracted

Distracted

Remember this scene from GIRLS this season? Episode 4, I think. Hannah and Jessa were in the tub together and Jessa was crying after her breakup with Thomas John.

It was a beautiful scene. But here was my issue.

That tub is filthy.

Like Did-someone-break-into-your-house-and-paint-excrement-on-the-grout? filthy.

In fact, while watching this scene, I was so distracted by the filth of the tub that I started thinking about how I would clean it. (Which makes me a TOTAL ma’am, I’m aware. I’m officially old.)

Here’s the tape that played in my head:

“Bleach would be involved for sure. And I would totally use one of those CLOROX bleach pen things I’m in love with that you use to bleach grout. It’s wildly satisfying. And so precise! I love the feeling of accomplishment you feel after. I cannot believe they are sitting in that tub? Would I have sat in a tub that dirty in my 20s? I’m sure I did. Wow, that’s really gross.”

Credits role.

DAMN! I missed the whole scene.

Rewind.

Do not be distracted. Do not be distracted.

Distracted again! That nasty tile sucks me in every time.

I had to watch the scene 3 times. And I loved it.

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In Praise of My Bed

In Praise of My Bed

                                (pic source unknown)

 

In Praise of My Bed

by Meredith Holmes

 

At last I can be with you

The grinding hours

since I left your side!

The labor of being fully human,

working my opposable thumb,

talking, and walking upright.

Now I have unclasped

unzipped, stepped out of.

Husked, soft, a be-er only,

I do nothing, but point

my bare feet into your

clean smoothness

feel your quiet strength

the whole length of my body.

I close my eyes, hear myself

moan, so grateful to be held this way.

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My Tweenager

My Tweenager

Rare Bird is in full tilt tweendom. She’s all about being in her room, listening to music, playing with her hamster, texting, watching teen shows or practicing bass and guitar. It’s cute. I have to squelch my urge to push her outside and say “go play!” like I try to do with Finn because, as she has told me, she’s older now and doesn’t “play.”

I so enjoy being with her. She’s smart, observant, creative, sweet and incredibly empathic. Her head is in the clouds most of the time, which can be frustrating as the mama, but tis often the case with smart creative types, so I try to have a sense of humor about it. (“try” being the operative word)

At 10, she already knows about everything you could possible think of so there is no need to have any “talk” or embarrassing afterschool special moment. We told her about sex at 5 so it’s just been an ongoing conversation. We’ve covered everything in a very matter of fact way.

One day, a few months ago, she said “I think I want a bra.” “Yeah, we should probably get one.” I said while pulling up GapBody online and checking out the cute pullover versions.

She wore it for a week and declared “Bras are uncomfortable!” I said “Yes, they are! Why do you think I take mine off the second we get in the house?”

Same thing happened with shaving. She said she wanted to shave. I showed her how and bought her some razors and shave gel. I told her it was a pain to keep up, but she wanted to do it. A week later she said “Shaving is a pain!”

Yup.

I guess my point is, I wanted her foray into teenagerhood (is that a word?) to be smooth and organic, not awkward and fraught with shame and weird conversations. So far, so good.

Since she was little, I have tried to educate H (and Finny too!) about the importance of taking care of your body, including your skin, teeth and hair. (Finn wants a Clarisonic for Christmas. A fact that delights me. He won’t get one. Too spendy.)

I tell them “Your teeth are the jewelry of your face. You have to take care of them!” (Other rampant Emilyisms: Mommies are Magical and Weird is Wonderful – someone please make me a t-shirt in a script font of that last one!)

I’m not trying to turn Hadley into a product whore but I do think it’s important to be aware of quality beauty products and brands. That said, have you seen The Willa line? This suuuuuper darling tween named Willa, and her mother, developed a skincare line for girls.

I bought the basics for HJ and am trying to get her into the habit of washing her face every night and applying moisturizer. Willa’s tag line is “Start Young. Stay Young.”  I subscribe to her Facebook feed and she’s so freaking darling, fresh and young, it makes me feel like the Cryptkeeper.  (That show was so good!)

She has also been loving her Tangle Teezer.  I know it seems gimmicky and I was dubious but the thing works and Hadley loves to brush her hair with it.

I do have moments where I think “where has the time gone?” when I see my strawberry blond girl sprouting up and morphing into a little lady, but for the most part, I’m really loving this age. She’s so interesting and interested, two traits that I adore. Traits that my Dad possessed as well, which I love.

Hadley, please know that I am proud of you every moment of every day. It is a privilege to not only be your mama, but also to be in your orbit and soak up all of your sparkly magic. xoxo Mom  

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Regime

Regime

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I’ve been obsessed with Into The Gloss for a while. Have you been there? Obsessed. Particularly with The Top Shelf. I love to know what other people are doing in their beauty regime. The stuff that really works. I get really excited when I read many posts and start to see a pattern of things that lots of people use. (yes, I am a total nerd.)

I don’t much care for what celebrities use. I mean, I do, but most of the time that stuff is made up anyway. Into The Gloss interviews Editors, Designers, Photographers, Stylists, DJs…people in the know who are behind the scenes in the beauty industry and tend to really know what’s good.

And I don’t really care that much about makeup. Sure, I like a good product  but I don’t pile it on. For the most part I’m a natural girl and look kind of the same with or without makeup. I don’t feel the need to have massive amounts of makeup in my arsenal. A few choice products will do.

I care about taking care of my skin. I’ve often said the people I find most attractive look “fresh” – they have beautiful skin, shiny healthy hair, bright eyes and pretty teeth.

I decided to take a look at my own beauty regime. Here it is as well as the products I love:

I wash my face with old school Cetaphil. I have for years and I swear by it. Peter gave me the Clarisonic for Christmas and it really is phenomenal. It took a bit to fall in love with it and I didn’t get the buzz but we’re in the throws of a full on love affair now. (Megs, I know I said you could just keep using a washcloth. I’m changing my mind.) I have the face and body one and I love taking it in the tub and exfoliating like a mofo.  Oh, soft skin goodness. Sometimes I’ll put lavender body oil in the tub too, which just takes everything to the next level. Tubs are a must. My achy bod craves it at the end of most days.

I’m a firm believer in dry brushing too. It is so good for circulation, your lymph system, exfoliation, plus it just feels invigorating! I do it before I shower or take a bath.

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I use Cetaphil lotion on my face and body too. In the morning, I’ll wash my face, put on Cetaphil and then put on sunscreen. It’s SPF 30, something the dermatologist gave me. Sometimes, I’ll just do that. Other days, I’ll put on a little makeup.

My all time favorite beauty tip my sister introduced me to years and years ago. Tinting my eyelashes black. Ladies, it’s the best, especially for the fair haired peeps. I used to do it for special occasions or vacations but now, like clockwork, I do it every 5 weeks. I do not wear mascara at all anymore. I just curl them and I’m done.

I’ve been wanting to try a BB cream since they are all the rage lately so I picked up Garnier BB Cream in light. It’s quite lovely, I have to say. Good coverage, not heavy and does the trick. Seems like a foundation/moisturizer so I don’t see what the excitement is about but whatever. I still use a light dusting of bareMinerals powder to get a little more coverage if I need it. They also carry a highlighting powder called Radiance that gives you a subtle luminescence that I like.

I do love a blush and like the rest of the planet, I have NARS Orgasm, which really is a great color. After my cheeks, I like to lightly swipe it on my eyelids for a little color up there. ( I do not do eye shadow. It confounds me.) I’m also a big fan of Tarte Cheek Stain in Flush and Benefit Benetint if you want a pinker cheek. Tarte is a gel stick like product and Benetint is like a nail polish bottle with a brush! It smells heavenly and can be used as a lip tint too. (two for one!) Both Tarte and Benetint give you a flushed look, which I love. It’s natural.

For the lip, I always have on me or am in reach of a Burt’s Bees lip balm. The original one. I  have to have it. Total addict. I usually start out with lip color like Tarte 24/7 Lip Sheer in Friday, Clinique Almost Lipstick in Black Honey (which I’ve used since I was 15) or a few others in rotation but then I forget and just go for the Burt’s Bees. Easy.

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I really love perfume. Currently, I have Bobbi Brown’s BATH perfume (I just went to get the link and I discovered she’s not making it anymore. WHA?)and Jo Malone in a variety of scents. You can’t go wrong with Jo Malone. I don’t feel complete without some fragrance. I’m fascinated by it. The complexities of the scent, different notes, how the scent changes depending on body chemistry. And I love how it can remind you of certain times in your life. (Anais Anais? 8th grade. Perscriptives Calyx? High School. New West? Freshman year in college. The list goes on…) Once I’ve worn a scent, I rarely go back to it. Is it just me?

I keep my fingernails short and always with clear polish. I’ve tried color and it looks so garish on me. It draws attention to my poor, splotchy, red hands. So I keep it simple. I think part of beauty is knowing what works for you. I love the short nail/funky color or pattern but it doesn’t work for me.

My toes are always a color, usually red and as short as they can get them. I get a pedicure once a month. And it’s heaven. I’ll get a manicure every other time. I am pretty good at keeping my fingernails up. (I’ve been teaching Finn to take care of his nails, which thrills me to no end. He likes me to buff his nails while he watches a show. Prince Charming.)

At night, I always wash my face. I can not go to sleep without washing my face and brushing my teeth. (and putting in my retainers. Sex-ay.) No matter the circumstance. So, I wash with the Clarisonic and lately I’ve been really digging Kiehl's Midnight Recovery Concentrate or REN Omega 3 Night Repair Serum. I like to really saturate my face with moisture and these things don’t feel heavy or cloying. I focus on my neck and décolletage too. Moisture moisture moisture. Every couple of days I’ll use a Retinol serum or cream, both I got from my dermatologist.

I’ll do a mask a few times a week too.   I like Sanitas Pumpkin Enzyme Mask, which smells fantastic. REN also makes a really good one called Glycol Lactic Radiance Renewal Mask.

So, that’s it. Wow. Writing it all down makes me seem a lot more high maintenance than I thought I was. Good to know. Feel free to pass along your beauty must haves….

XO

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Vanity Smurf

Vanity Smurf

Since the last post, I cut my hair AGAIN. It was the textbook “feeling restless in my life, maybe a severe haircut will help!”

Never a good idea. (I know better, too.)

I was fine for about a week. In shock, but fine. Then a deep sadness set in and every time I looked in the mirror, I hated what I saw.

I loathe it.

Loathe.

It’s a cute enough cut. Shaggy. Edgy. I just hate it on me. I haven’t felt this ugly in probably 10 years. I don’t feel femme or pretty. Plus, I have to DO it, otherwise it’s very mullety/barn animal got a hold of my hair and chewed for hours – ish.

It’s just hair. It will grow back. It looks fine. Blah blah blah.

Magical hair growing advice welcome. 

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Chop chop

Chop chop

Ok, so I did one of those Brazilian Keratin Treatments that straighten and smooth your curls/frizz out.

I’m still not sure about it. I don’t hate it, I don’t love it. It’s just there.

I have always had an expectation management problem and this was no exception. I thought I would do this treatment and my life would change. Stupid, I know. That’s vanity for you.

Meg’s friend Erin, who recommended the treatment, warned me I’d feel like Cher for the first few days. The hair SO smooth, close to your head and stick straight. A fact I found hysterically accurate. But it didn’t end after a few days. And I felt like Axl Rose. So, I freaked out and had my hairdresser chop my hair off.

This is how it turned out:

I’m still totally indifferent. It’s weird. I may even have him hack at it some more.

Yes, I am wearing pajamas in the picture. And yes, I am in them usually by 5pm, pretty much every day since I got them in 2 colors a few weeks ago. As well as these comfy slippers. Oh house clothes…how I love you so.

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March VOGUE

March VOGUE

I’m not even halfway through the March issue but I found myself scribbling notes on college lined paper at the kitchen table.

I smiled while doing it.

I miss writing longhand. I like to write in cursive with a really great pen.

So, here I sit transcribing my notes into a blog post. Funny. It reminds me of college when I would take scraps and bits of paper I had scribbled ideas for short stories on and turn them into something.

 

Adele is on the cover, looking gorgeous, per usual. (Although, I wish they hadn’t photo shopped her body on the cover. We know she doesn’t have a 20 inch waist, people. And it’s ok. )

 

She is, as you would guess, a great interview, full of vim and vigor. The interview validates why she is so astonishing. She’s brutally honest and claims she really has no idea where all of these beautiful songs come from. They just pour out of her. That type of honesty is inspiring and beautiful. She doesn’t talk about “the craft” or other such bullshit nonsense. She just is. Also, how cool is the fact that Rolling in the Deep came from a gang phrase used in UK? “Roll deep” basically means having someone have your back so you are never on your own if you get into trouble. She thought it was beautiful and changed it to “Rolling in the Deep.” Genius.

“Adele has one of the great dirty mouths of her generation. Get her going on a subject that raises her ire, and the obscenities fly like sparks off a welder.” –Jonathan Van Meter, Adele interview, VOGUE

“…Like sparks off a welder.”  So good.

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The piece by Cheryl Strayed about her trek on the Pacific Crest Trail has me wanting to rush out and get her memoir: “Wild: From Lost to Found on The Pacific Crest Trail.”

I’m not a climber or really interested in it. It is her writing and her reasons for doing it that intrigued me. She had never backpacked before going on the trip. NEVER. That’s like me deciding to freaking hike the PCT (which, incidentally, took her 3 months and is 1,100 miles. WTF!) And very clearly, she finds herself needing to do it.

My mom died when I was twenty-two and she was forty-five. She died of cancer, but it wasn’t the way I thought a death by cancer would be—long and drawn out and cinematic. Instead, my mother was dead seven weeks to the day after her diagnosis. Her death was simple and ugly and it didn’t feel even remotely like a movie. It felt to me that I had died with her, and in some ways, I did. The vision I’d previously had of my life died. I don’t have a relationship with my biological father and though I had a step-father, he couldn’t continue being a step-father to me in the face of his own loss. And so I wandered forth, suddenly an orphan. – Cheryl Strayed

I understand why she did it with no experience. Why not? After a blow like that, you feel invincible. Not the invincible I felt after giving birth to H&F. That was empowering and invigorating. I felt so STRONG!

My Dad’s death left me numb. Nothing could hurt me.

When talking about her decision to make the trek, Cheryl Strayed says “Nothing bad could happen to me, I thought. The worst thing already had.”

This resonated so deeply with me, that I actually stopped reading for a second to look up, close my mouth and let that thought marinate.

I felt and feel the same way about my dad’s death. It was worse than breast cancer, depression, lupus…His death rocked me to my core. There is definitely a sense of “Nothing scares me now.”

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And a final thought on the issue: Florence Broadhurst for Kate Spade? Fan-freaking-tastic. A beautiful marriage!

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Showing Up

Showing Up

Hello snowflakes.

I’m so much better.

Oh so much better.

I’m me again. Maybe better. Brighter? Definitely.

It was like a reboot of sorts. Incredibly painful and sucky but I got through it, dammit.

I am badass. Hear me roar.

I feel beyond lucky to have such supportive friends and family. Where would I be without you?

Coinciding with my climb out of the hole of depression is my extreme inspiration from, seemingly everything:

• The endless sky.
• Music – specifically Lenka and Robyn, which have been pulsing from anything that would play music so loud that I could feel it in my skin, letting it seep into my pores and brighten my soul. It works. I swear.
• Art – nothing specific, in fact, most of it is nameless. Graffiti here and there, a well styled print ad, the guy at the bagel shop’s tattoos.
• Books! (exclamation mark intended and necessary) I read Visit from the Goon Squad and Just Kids in the span of 2 weeks and was blown away. I highly recommend both. The story in Goon Squad was creatively woven, I was in a constant state of awe of Jennifer Egan’s talent. Just Kids will stay with me for a good long while. It was intoxicating and ignited somewhat of a creative explosion in my brain. I see things differently after having read it, if that makes sense.  I’m itching to press the book I love so much into the hands of my sister, whom I love so much, knowing she’ll adore it too.
• PGP, HJ and Finny P. Everything I am, I owe to them. They encourage me to “just show up.”

Here’s to more happy days!

xo

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Low Key

Low Key

Hi kids.

Sigh.

It’s been a while.

I had surgery last week on a herniated disc that has been plaguing me for YEARS. It had just progressively gotten worse and the solutions (injections, PT were doing NADA) so I said “fuck it. do surgery” and proceeded to schedule it for the day before Thanksgiving.

It’s called a minimally invasive lumbar discectomy. Basically, they put me under, make a small incision, cut out the herniated disc part, move the nerve that is unhappy to a happier place and stitch me back up. It was supposed to be outpatient but they couldn’t get my pain under control (awesome!) to send me home so I was admitted for the night.

I am currently in the recovery part, which I hadn’t anticipated would suck balls. There isn’t relief, yet. It’s supposed to come eventually, but of course, Debbie Downer infiltrates my brain and convinces me that there will be no difference. The doc says it will take 6-8 weeks to notice the full difference. It’s been 1 week.

For two weeks there is to be: no bending, lifting or twisting. No lifting anything over 10 lbs. No driving. I can walk all I want, which I have been doing, when I haven’t been sleeping because I’m more tired than I’ve ever been. Add in pain pills and it ain’t pretty.

Yesterday I had a total pity party. Poor Peter. He works from home, so from time to time, I would just show up in his office, shoulders slumped with frowny, borderline cry face on.

Patience, he would say. You’re doing great.

It’s hard to be patient when Christmas buzz whirrs around me and everyone is rushing and talking about how much they have to do! So much to do!

And there’s me.

The turtle.

I know it’s all doable.

And it’s not a race.

My mantra for this month is to keep it low key. Imagine my delight when I received an email from MCA Denver yesterday with this picture attached.

Seriously?

FAB-U-LOUS. (I heart the beautiful naked guy in the grocery cart)

I love it and want it to be our Christmas card. I’m not sending those, by the way. Christmas cards. It’s not low key. Wouldn’t want to mess with the theme.

I just finished Mindy Kaling’s Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns) thereby cementing the fact that she and I need to be friends. It’s a quick and super hilarious read.

Today, I will be good to myself. And no pity parties. And maybe I’ll shower. Maybe.

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Still

Still

Santa Fe with my Mom and sister to celebrate my mom’s 70th birthday was so lovely. We ate really amazing food, chatted, meandered and were just together, which my mom said was the best gift.

I agree. It is so rare to be able to spend that much time together with no agenda. Snapping pics just didn’t seem to be a priority but we did get one good one.

Seeing the Georgia O’Keefe museum was a highlight. Wasn’t she an inspirational bad ass? I’m not a huge fan of her work but man, I love her spirit. I bought a little card that has a picture of her on the back of a motorcycle. The look on her face and something in her eyes spoke to me. Yet another reminder to drink up this rich life and live the way you want to live.

 

Feeling run down post trip, which was expected.

“Move slowly” I tell myself. “Take your time. Not everything will get done.”

I want to hibernate, be still, and not talk. That’s a difficult task in this busy life.

And yet, I try.

Love this piece by Conrad Roset found via ffffound. Isn’t it beautiful?

Happy Thursday, lovers.

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The Hustle

The Hustle

I think most people don’t get that you have to work at being happy. You have to DECIDE to be happy and then work at it. You do have a choice.

One of the Old Sames (E) sent me many cards during the whole breast cancer business. One of them said “Keep Hustling to Keep Happy”. I loved it and had it taped up on my bathroom mirror for the better part of a year.

The minute I saw this temporary tattoo from Tattly, I loved it.

Can’t wait to put that sucker on. I’m also going to order some for the kids. They’re so cute!

Extra special shout-out to the animal loving girl who makes killer fudge. XO

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Lavender Lady

Lavender Lady

I love the smell of lavender. I used to hate it and thought it smelled like old ladies. (I would turn my nose up at the lavender scented products when I was stocking up on Spring Rain lotion and soap at Crabtree and Evelyn in high school. I love how scents can remind you of specific times.)

I digress…

But now I seek it out and inhale deeply every time I come into contact with it.

Sometimes, I’ll dab a little oil under each nostril to smell for hours.

I buy most all of my lavender products locally from Moondance Botanicals, a magical little shop in Denver you should check out if you’re in the area.

I always put lavender oil in the bath when I’m soaking. Sometimes if I’m just soaking my feet, I’ll put in a few drops. I highly recommend soaking your feet. An acupuncturist recommended it and I find it so relaxing, right before bed.

I have a bottle of lavender oil and water that I spritz in all of our rooms as the kids are getting on pajamas and readying for bed. I like to think it helps relax them too, or at least signal that it’s wind down time.

I love it in candles. St. Germain-en-Laye Lavender is one of my fave lavender scented candles. Peter, however, hates it and thinks it smells like “another guy is in the house” (he thinks it smells too much like a guy’s cologne) so I don’t buy it much anymore.

You can’t go wrong with an old classic like Dr. Bronner’s lavender soap.

And finally, on this little lavender tour, I save the best for last. Dagoba Lavender blueberry chocolate bar. Haven’t had this in a while because it’s not vegan but the combination of lavender, blueberry and chocolate is beyond delightful.

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