Here We Are

Here We Are

Lately I've been thinking so much about how parenting has changed for me over the years. Hadley and Finn are now 17 and 14, respectively, and shit is different.

Parenting for years was lots of shlepping, wiping, carrying, soothing. It was incredibly physically draining. Both of my children had enough energy for 3 other people and I was at a deficit because of lupus and fibromyalgia. I longed for the days when it wouldn't be so hard. When I wouldn't be so tired. When they wouldn't need me as much.

Those days came but with the less physically demanding aspects of parenthood came the mental olympics that are "the teenage years". OMG. You guys. I long for the somewhat easier days of physical exhaustion. I almost prefer that to the minefield topics of life these days.

My inner voice is constantly like "BE COOL. DON'T FUCK UP THIS TEACHING MOMENT!"as I try to comfort my daughter because her friend has been institutionalized for attempting suicide. (!) See what I mean? Gone are the days when the only thing needed was the right Dora the Explorer cup.

It feels like the Wild Wild West. I frequently remind my kids that we have no idea what we're doing. NO IDEA. We're figuring it out as we go but we love them so much. That has to be enough.

:::sigh:::

That's it for now.

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These days...

These days...

Hello peanuts. 
Happy New Year! 
I hope you are settling in nicely to 2015. 
I don't make resolutions. I'm not a planner or long term goal setter. I don't know if its my personality or that I'm usually just trying to make it through the day. Perhaps both. I do love to read other people's though!

I saw this list on DesignCrush and unapologetically stole it. 

Making : lots and lots of piles
Cooking : rarely
Drinking : water - warm with lemon or ice cold.
Reading : Essay collections! The Unspeakable by Meghan Daum, Bad Feminist by Roxane Gay and One More Thing by BJ Novak
Wanting : to feel better
Obsessing: over puzzles, still. 
Looking : for the silver lining in chronic illness 
Playing : music to lift from the sickie sadness and winter doldrums
Wishing : that I was a young hooligan so I could make it to the 10:30 show of BROAD CITY LIVE at the Bluebird.
Enjoying : my family
Waiting : for The District's new album to come out
Liking : that Finn plays online games with Becca's (Old Same!) son. They hoot and holler on their headsets and it warms my heart.
Wondering : if I should straighten my hair
Loving : the age of my children currently (10 & 12)
Pondering : what H & F will be when they grow up
Considering : double and triple piercing my ears with my 12 year old
Watching : Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries on Netflix
Hoping : that I'm raising good people
Marveling : at HJ's bright pink hair. (This is us Xmas morning.)

Needing : to go grocery shopping
Smelling : like peppermint
Wearing : various versions of the "fancy sweatpant" that's all the rage, not styling it though, just a tank and no bra. #classy
Following : all orders given to me by my doc, like a good little patient. 
Wanting : to be at a beach
Noticing : that I'm getting stronger physically (go Pilates!)
Knowing : other people's opinions don't matter
Thinking : about how much I adore my mama
Feeling : fortunate
Admiring : people who make their creativity a priority
Sorting : various stupid paperwork on my desk
Buying : books!
Getting : into Pilates 
Bookmarking : vegan recipes, true crime articles
Disliking : eggshells in the sink 
Feeling : fuzzy headed

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lazy

lazy

Yesterday, we took my mom with us out to lunch and to see a Christmas musical called “Home for the Holidays”. It was really great to be out with her. As I struggle to find the Christmas spirit, she’s one of those people who just sort of carries it with her all of the time. I was hoping a little of her cheeriness would rub off on me.

When we got home, I went upstairs to lie down with a heating pad. The day took an enormous amount of energy and I was paying for it.

Often times, I have my laptop to read or watch something to distract me from the pain and fatigue. My body is exhausted but I can’t sleep.

Finn came in and wanted something, a video game on his iPod or something. I said no.

He became furious and said “Sometimes I don’t think you’re tired. I think you’re just lazy.”

I was stunned.

He left the room and I started to cry.

My one fear.

The main one, actually. The fear I carry around with me all day everyday, that people think I am faking or lazy, just came out of the mouth of my child.

I collected myself and called him back in the room.

I told him he hurt my feelings. He said he didn’t mean it. That he was angry.

I tried to explain more but 9 year old boys are impatient and he was so upset that he made me cry that I could tell he just wanted to flee the situation.

So I let him.

But what he said stayed with me. And probably always will.

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Taking refuge in the guest room

Taking refuge in the guest room

 

Feeling awful around these parts. Like, crying awful. It’s the fibromyalgia flaring, perhaps mad after surgery. (Oh yeah, recently diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. And the surgery was for a hernia. Jealous? Woo fucking hoo.)

Here’s a good place to start if you don’t know much about Fibromyalgia.

My skin radiates pain. I ache as if I walked up 54 flights of stairs while carrying a dresser on my back, looking up the entire time. It’s akin to the ache of a really hard work out on top of having the flu. I try so hard to explain it…I hope that helps. It’s different than lupus, but shares a lot of the same symptoms.

Tears streamed down my face this morning as I put Hadley’s lunch in her backpack and said “HAVE A GREAT DAY!” in my best fun voice, with my back turned to her. Finn thought the tears were because of him, because he was being a little shit this morning, so he apologized again, genuinely. (side note: He lost his screen privileges for the day – WHY does that happen on days when I REALLY need him to be occupied by a screen?)

I exhaled deeply after they left, ate cereal and took all of my meds like a good little patient.

The housekeepers were on their way over so I took pain meds, grabbed my sweetest Ollie dog, and shuffled into the guest room so they could clean the rest of the house and here I remain. Housekeepers are the biggest luxury I have in my life and I am grateful every single time they come. It is a medicine of sorts. It calms me to have a clean house plus I don’t have the energy to do it. If you know someone with a chronic illness or someone who is sick or has had surgery, a baby, what have you, send someone to clean their house. It’s the ultimate.

In happier news, it’s almost summer y’all. I am not as anxious as I have been years past. Maybe that is because it’s still 2 weeks away but perhaps it’s because I feel prepared. Finn’s doing a parkour camp, lacrosse, skateboarding, and rock band camp. Hadley is doing rock band camp as well, but has deemed all other camps “stupid.” Hm. I think I’m more relaxed because they are older, so I don’t have to be as involved. Finn will be 9 in July and HJ is 11. Good independent ages. (Although, talk to me 2 weeks into summer when I start drinking at 3 because they’re making me crazy.)

I took the kids to Old Navy a few days ago to get a few summer necessities and I told them that they may each pick out two things. I knew Hadley would have no problem (two maxi dresses) but I was interested to see what Finny would pick out since he doesn’t usually shop with me. Both Peter and Finn don’t care what they wear as long as its comfy so I usually just buy stuff for them.

He chose a straw fedora (? – so cute) and a pair of slip on addidas like flip flops. He wanted them, but he was torn because all of the other kids wear between the toe flip flops and he didn’t want to be different. I leaned down and said “Who Cares? Uncle Vince doesn’t wear between the toe flip flops either because he doesn’t like them and he’s the coolest.”

Finn’s face relaxed and he smiled. That was all it took.  “Oh! Ok, good. Then I’ll get these.”

While they were perusing, I collapsed on a bench near the dressing rooms. I somehow got involved in a debate between a woman and her girlfriend about which bikini looked better on the girlfriend. It was one of those moments that I love where you develop a familiarity with strangers really quickly that makes them feel like dear friends and that we’re all in this life together, which we are.

xo

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