Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
0 com

How Did This Happen?

Peter is a dedicated binge watcher of shows from beginning to end. It’s admirable, really. I don’t have the attention span and end up abandoning the project. (Damages, The Closer)

Since Peter usually watches in the living room, I’m constantly in and out of the room. At first, it’s just noise but then I stop for a second, ask a question, and then two. And then I sit down to “just watch this scene.” And every time, I get sucked in and addicted. It happened with Criminal Minds, which I initially hated and then found myself craving. Hadley got sucked in too. Finn hated it because he found it too upsetting. (FYI: He used to find Spongebob upsetting.)

We caught up to the current episodes on Criminal Minds so Peter set off to find another show with 4 or more seasons to binge watch and Blue Bloods caught his eye.

From Wikipedia: The series follows the Irish-American Reagan family of police officers with the NYPD.  Francis “Frank” Reagan (Tom Selleck – MAGNUM PI!) is the Police Commissioner . He was a US Marine Corps officer and a Vietnam veteran before he joined the NYPD. He is a 9/11 First Responder, a widower whose son Joe was murdered in the line of duty, and has three other adult children—Danny, Erin, and Jamie.

The family reminds me a lot of my own Irish-American Catholic family sometimes which makes me heart smile. Loud, opinionated, loyal, loving, and funny. They have dinner together every Sunday night and say the same prayer before dinner that I said growing up. The father and grandfather in the show have qualities similar to my Dad and I nod and smile when they do or say something my Dad would. My mom watches the show and loves it. 

Every time Tom Selleck comes on screen and does anything I’ll randomly say “Good idea, Magnum.” I love him and he’s such a great presence on screen.

One of the adult kids, Danny, is played by Donnie Wahlberg. He of the New Kids on The Block fame. I hadn’t really seen him in anything and he’s surprisingly good at that realistic, intense street cop thing. But I never thought about him or thought anything other than “oh, he’s a surprisingly good actor”.

But then I had a dream about him a few nights ago.

In the dream, we were romantically entangled. I remember being in the dream and saying “Wait, what? YOU?!? What are you doing here? Where’s Tom Selleck?”

I do not have a crush on Donnie Wahlberg but my damn subconscious does.

So the next morning, at the urging of my subconscious, who is like a teen girl, I googled everything about Donnie Wahlberg.

Did you know he has a show on VH1 called Donny Loves Jenny.

 

 

You know what happens next, don’t you?

Yup.

I watched 3 episodes.

And it was really cute, actually. They’re adorable and funny and in love. I normally do not like reality TV (except Survivor!) because it’s negative and usually involves a lot of fighting and yelling. But with Donnie Loves Jenny,  they said they wanted to put out a positive show, which I thought was sweet. I’m on the fence about Jenny McCarthy. She seems like a nice, funny woman but that whole vaccine crusade thing really rubbed me the wrong way. I suppose it’s not entirely her fault though. Yes, she was insanely vocal about anti-vaxxing issues but it was the idiot public who proclaimed her Dr. Autism and started quoting her non-scientific viewpoint.

I digress.

So, after watching him with his wife and her darling autistic son and how sweet Donnie is to the kid, now my crush is real.

And I’m so irritated about it because it wasn’t my idea.

Read more »
2 com

It’s Not What You Think

Peter’s on my laptop a lot doing various things, or I should probably say UNdoing various things that I have unknowingly done, to make my computer run better.

One day recently he said “What is this file on your desktop?”

“What file?” I say.

He points to it and says “I always forget to ask you about it.”

It’s a JPG with the name “masterbat…”

I immediately start laughing and have been laughing every time I think of it.

This is the file, which is a picture.

masterbath

Get it?

MASTER BATH. (I enjoy the tiling, floor, rug, and glass door)

But the “H” was cut off.

MASTERBAT(the invisible “e” is from your dirty imagination)

I think he was expecting something a little more titillating.

Laughing again.

Read more »
2 com

Distracted

girls

Remember this scene from GIRLS this season? Episode 4, I think. Hannah and Jessa were in the tub together and Jessa was crying after her breakup with Thomas John.

It was a beautiful scene. But here was my issue.

That tub is filthy.

Like Did-someone-break-into-your-house-and-paint-excrement-on-the-grout? filthy.

In fact, while watching this scene, I was so distracted by the filth of the tub that I started thinking about how I would clean it. (Which makes me a TOTAL ma’am, I’m aware. I’m officially old.)

Here’s the tape that played in my head:

“Bleach would be involved for sure. And I would totally use one of those CLOROX bleach pen things I’m in love with that you use to bleach grout. It’s wildly satisfying. And so precise! I love the feeling of accomplishment you feel after. I cannot believe they are sitting in that tub? Would I have sat in a tub that dirty in my 20s? I’m sure I did. Wow, that’s really gross.”

Credits role.

DAMN! I missed the whole scene.

Rewind.

Do not be distracted. Do not be distracted.

Distracted again! That nasty tile sucks me in every time.

I had to watch the scene 3 times. And I loved it.

Read more »
3 com

Goodness

Untitled Yellow 2010 b

I haven’t been blogging my darlings. Laziness, I suspect and a bit of constricting writer’s block. Well, not writer’s block but “oh who cares about that? block”. Anything interesting I would just throw up on Facebook or just ignore it.

School is in full swing, which is GLORIOUS. (Typing that just reminded me of Laura Branigan’s song GLORIA, so now that will be stuck in both of our heads. You’re Welcome.)

Things making me really happy:

  • We’re going to The Broadmoor Labor Day weekend for a night. I just up and booked it. Have wanted to do it for forever and just hadn’t done it. We’re going to go to the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo first, then check in, go to the pool and Peter and I are going to lie in beach chair sipping cocktails while our kids frolic. Then we’re going to grab dinner and explore the grounds. I promised Hadley we’d have breakfast in bed via room service, which she is super excited about. As am I. Of course, now that I’ve mapped all of this out and have expectations, none of it will happen.

  • This article about Tavi and Ira. Hearts and rainbows were shooting out of my head when I was reading it. I love them both.

 

  • I’ve almost gotten all of the wallpaper down from the kitchen!!!! This is HUGE, you guys. Or as Donald Trump would say “Youge.” It’s been more than a year that the wallpaper has remained partway torn down. It’s just hard and really high up all over the kitchen…and life gets in the way. And I’m lazy.  Look.

LivingRoom&Kitchen 020

See? Makes. Me. Murderous. Those are potted plants. But now it’s GONE! I have big plans. And that gross light is gone. And the table is on it’s way out.

 

LivingRoom&Kitchen 026

You know what else drives me batty? TILE. It’s everywhere. All kitchen and bathrooms have this tile. ARGH. AND…your eyes do not deceive you. That green and beige border tile? It has fruit on it. Yes. Fruit. Hideous.

BUT! There is hope. My lovely Karrie of Happy Habitat is going to come save the day and consult me on what to do to my house décor wise. (No pressure, Kar.) She has the greatest eye.

  • And last but certainly not least… We saw The Book of Mormon!!! Tickets sold out in 4 hours and I was on 2 phones and 2 computers to make sure I got them. It did NOT disappoint.  It’s everything everyone says it is and more. It just is. Perfectly profane and funny and smart. We saw a matinee and I just wanted to line back up and see the 7pm show.

Happy day to you, noodles. To combat my fierce PMS, I’m going to get some sun on my face and blare pop music as I run errands. Wish me luck.

Read more »
4 com

Summer Faces

073

074

We were AT the museum with their cousins having a wonderful time and these are the faces I got as we were about to leave, accompanied by “What are we going to do NOW?”

They’re like little drug addicts. Only it’s not drugs they’re looking for, it’s new, exciting experiences.

Here they are with my nieces Lyla (12) and Ottilia (5) in a happier moment when they weren’t so bored they “wanted to cry”.

060

Read more »
0 com

It’s Never Dull

Finn’s first grade class did reports on famous Americans last month. In addition to a report with pictures, they had to dress up as their famous American one day in order to present a live museum to friends and family.

The students were scattered around the cafeteria, in costume, standing next to the poster of their famous American. We all went around the pushed a button in front of them, at which time, they would come “alive” and say their little speech about their person.

Finny was Martin Luther King, Jr. which was very very exciting.

School Performances 012 School Performances 024

The following is a class picture of all of the little sweeties dressed up. Finn brought it home yesterday.

Please scan the photo from RIGHT to LEFT, as I did, looking for my darling boy.

Go ahead. I’ll wait.

Finnclasspicture

Mkay. Did you find my son?

All of the way on the left side? Sort of away from everyone else? With no shoes on, mouth open and …this is the best part…he’s making the devil horns with this hands, a gesture famous at heavy metal shows everywhere.

Dr. King would be so proud.

I died laughing.

So so so hilarious.

 

Dear Finn,

Oh, my sweet sweet boy. I vow to never squelch that amazing spirit.

with love, \m/o\m/

Read more »
0 com

Egg laying bunnies

The whole materialization of Easter grosses me out.

The other day I heard a kid say to another kid “What are you going to ask for for Easter?”

Wha?

The whole idea of the Easter Bunny makes me laugh and is sort of creepy. (so is Santa, really) And where did this bunny get the eggs it is supposedly bringing?

We have chosen to just to make it about celebrating the arrival of Spring.

Today at Target, I was begrudgingly picking up a few little things to put in H&F’s Easter baskets.

The following is the conversation I had with the checker: (what is it with me and cuckoo Target checkers?)

Checker: Hey, how are you?

Me: Good, how you doing?

Checker: Really great! (He was a really big guy. Super charismatic and huggable looking.) Do you have any plans for this weekend?

Me: Spending time with family. How about you?

Checker: Oh! Family, Church, and Food!

I smiled.

Checker: Are you going to church this Sunday?

WHO ASKS SHIT LIKE THIS?

Me: Nope.

Checker: Cool.

Awkward silence for the remainder of the transaction.

Pushing my loot to the car, I wondered how the conversation could have gone differently. What if I had said “Heck yeah I’m going to church!” Would he have said “AWESOME!” and then we would have high fived?

For some reason, I think this version probably would have played out because he was so gregarious and also he had a huge silver cross on a big chain around his neck. Or maybe he would have said “Big Ups for Jesus!” and we would have fist bumped.

Or maybe not.

Read more »
1 com

Always Thankful

Been inspired lately and trying to be positive and surround myself with goodness. Frequent yoga is helping immensely. I love the body buzz and the mental high.

Thanksgiving was really lovely. I am completely depleted and my body hates me from overuse but I am so content. My cousin Brendan and his wife came and stayed with us for the holiday. I was initially nervous because hosting people is exhausting. My anxiety mounted. Turned out it was completely unnecessary. They were the perfect guests. Really really cool people. We miss them and want them to come back.

My brother Neil and his family came from Dallas so we were all together.

My mom made the evening so unique and special. She is like no other in the most loving way. Love is in the details. And there were so many details. We all had these little place cards.

Thanksgiving2010 106

It was just SO good to be together to talk and laugh. There’s nothing like being with them. I laughed so much the whole time. Seriously. The WHOLE time. My sister said it perfectly when she said that we all have just accepted where and who we are and love each other unconditionally. So true. No stress or weird drama. Just togetherness. Dad is always missed but we be so proud of us. Especially Mom. 

Thanksgiving2010 064

Thanksgiving2010 080

(the kids were so curious about Uncle Peter not having hair. I went and got a wig for him. Wigs are funny. And how normal does he look with it on??)

My favorite part is always seeing the cousins together. There are 9 of them and they were constantly playing together. Meg has a great post about the week too.

Thanksgiving2010 146

This is Neil’s oldest Olivia and Hadley. How cute are they? And how much do they look alike? They are the redheads in the bunch. You can see Grace, Olivia’s sis in the background.

Thanksgiving2010 153

As much fun as we had, I am happy to be back to the routine, where I feel most comfortable.

Yesterday ruled for no apparent reason. Clear head, minimal pain, more energy than usual. Yoga, eating well and laundry. It’s the small things.

Each night at dinner we cheers each other and clink glasses. Everyone says the best part and the worst part of their day.

Yesterday, I couldn’t think of a worst part. Not one thing. Love that.

Been avoiding negativity and “noise” lately, which helps my current state of mind. You know what I mean by noise….too much TV or internet, stores or bustling around, cranky people. Embracing stillness.

A while ago I stopped reading some websites and blogs because they were becoming toxic. Blogs that I had been reading for years…just because I read them every day. But when I started to evaluate what I got from reading them, I came up empty. The only thing keeping me going was voyeurism and that’s not good enough. Most of the time I would grimace after I read the post.

Not anymore. I won’t name names. No need.

Welcome to December, little birdies. I hope the month brings you good cheer.

The kids were so psyched to start their Advent calendars today. Hadley got the Amsterdam Calendar from Nouveau Designs. (We will discuss my desire and dream to move to Amsterdam at a later date. My mind is churning…)

Amsterdam Advent Calendar 

And Finn has the Brooklyn calendar. I love love love them.

Brooklyn Advent Calendar

 

Listening to Amos Lee on this Wednesday morning and contemplating plans for the day. Hope your week is going well.

XO

Read more »
2 com

Thursday Loves

Hello dears.

It’s November already. Whoa.

Here’s a smattering of magical bits from the week:

+Bookshelf Porn, where have you been all of my life? So good I can’t even stand it.(via Go Fug Yourself)

tumblr_lalie7Yqc01qaobbko1_1280

+I’ve been loving Miles Fisher’s blog lately and his FB page as well. The guy is some sort of wunderkind, full of talent and creativity with most excellent links. You must check it out.  It’s been fueling me lately. The pictures are spectacular. He’s the actor who looks like Christian Bale and Tom Cruise had a baby. He also made this stellar video. (originally found via Sweet and Bitter)

+Yogi Green Tea Kombucha has been doing me right lately. A lovely afternoon delight.

+Many thanks to MGMT for getting me through the last week. Oracular Spectacular has been on constant rotation.

+This post by Nerdy Apple Bottom is really good. (found via AD on Facebook) I loved it and it validates the way I feel about my children and how we are raising them.

+Craft night last night with the Briggles and an ELK and a dollop of guest stars. Much needed. And I have a beautifully colored Mandala to show for it.

+The shows Californication and Bored to Death. I watched all 3 seasons of Californication in the span of about 4 days and desperately miss the characters. I love love love it. I’m halfway through Season 1 of Bored to Death. Jason Schwarzman+Ted Danson? Brills. And of course my beloved Zach Galifinakis is in it.

+ the word “brumal", which means “wintry.” You know I’m dying to use that sucker.

Happy (almost) Weekend. Finding the funny on this Thursday afternoon…

 

XO

Read more »
0 com

dune buggy birthday

My bro-in-law V was in my wacky dream the night before last. I found it funny because he’s never in my dreams but then again, today is his birthday so perhaps that’s why he was floating around in my subconscious.

So, here’s the dream:

V and I were out drinking beer at a bar. I mention beer because anyone who knows me, knows I don’t drink beer, really. That stuck out to me. But we were drinking copious amounts of it.

We were partying. And having a great time. V is really really funny and charismatic.

We kept calling Peter to get him to meet up with us. (Where was Meg?) I remember the cell phone was really big. Like, 1995 big.

After not being able to reach him, we decided to jump in the car and go find him.

Only, we didn’t jump into a car. It was a dune buggy. Full on. And not in an ironic way. We were serious in the dream. Like this was the car we were driving for reals. (Although, I should say I do not condone drinking and driving dune buggys ….)

My_Manx_sized

                                                 +++

Anyway, while driving, I noticed the sun coming up. Excitedly, I said to V “The sun is coming up! I haven’t stayed up until the sun came up in YEARS!”

And then my alarm went off and I was faced with Oliver licking me and Finn’s sweet face standing next to my bed.

My first thought was “I only just got home and went to bed! How can I get through this day?!?!?” And then relief set in when I got it together and remembered it was only a dream.

Happy happy birthday, dear brother-in-law. I’m forever delighted and very proud that you are in our tribe. I would say “let’s go out and celebrate” but we kind of already did. We had a great time and neither one of us is tired or hung over!

Read more »
1 com

lu lu lu lupus face

1063-lady_gaga

Ok, so I don’t know if any of you heard or read all of the hoopla in late May about Lady Gaga having lupus. It’s not clear if she does or not. She says she has “borderline positive test results,” which is confusing to me but so is lupus so there you go. Her aunt also died from lupus.

If this is actually true, then hip hip hooray! You feeling me? I mean, I’m sorry if you do have it, Gaga, because lupus sucks. I can vouch for that. However, giving lupus the face of Lady Gaga would be fantastic as far as education and awareness.

She recently donated the necklace she wore in her Poker Face video to the Lupus Foundation of America,  which I thought was really cool. 

And now, Snoop Dog has come forward to say his daughter has lupus. Poor dear. While I feel awful for her and hope she is doing well, BRING ON THE PUBLICITY!

In my corner of the lupus world, all of my stomach tests came back fine. The ultrasound was fine. The tech even said “My, you have a beautiful pancreas!” (I shit you not.)

They now think it is my lupus meds causing the problems, specifically the ones that help me feel human every day. Awesome! (sung in really high operatic voice) I’m tapering down off of them slowly but UGH, it sucks. I’m sure that’s where my stank mood is coming from. Pain has a tendency to make you hate everyone and everything.

On the plus side, my stomach issues are getting a little better. Sounds bizarre to say that’s the plus side. I’m still particularly enjoying food at all. It’s just fuel.

I have a call into my rheumatologist to discuss the next steps with my treatment. Lessening stomach pain = great! Constant pain and super achy joints = not so great. In the morning, before I take my pills, it’s difficult to grip my tea mug. I mean, I can, but it hurts. Mornings are tough. It takes me a bit to get going and now that some of my drugs are being cut out, it’s taking me a bit LONGER to get going.

 

Seeking out humor last night, Peter and I watched Daniel Tosh’s Completely Serious. You can stream it for free on Netflix too. The demographic is very obviously men 18-42, but throw me in there too because the guy is hilarious. I love him. Warning: He is wildly offensive. Wildly. Did I say he was offensive? Yes. He is. He’s also super smart, kind of geeky and has fantastic random pop culture references. So now, I love him.

I’m sure I’m late to the Daniel Tosh party but he has a show on Comedy Central called Tosh.O. I haven’t seen it but after checking out some clips of the show, it looks hilarious. Sort of Talk Soupish. Remember when Greg Kinnear hosted Talk Soup in the olden days?

School starts tomorrow. Hell to the yes. Although excited to be free of the blue eyed devils, I have caught myself being a bit sad that I won’t have Finn with me during the day anymore.The things that we would do during the day sometimes after I picked him up at 12:30 (museums, parks, shows, etc) will no longer be an option for us. He and Hadley don’t get home until 4:15. (Note: Upon closer inspection of my memories, I am now remembering Finn mostly squawking about being bored and wanting to go home to play Mario. So don’t think it was all sunshine and rainbows. The kids a professional whiner with a penchant for sweets. He’s lucky he’s gorgeous.)

Sad. And weird. But good. Change is good. Or so they say. (I didn’t say that last night when Peter was installing new software on my computer. I sounded like ET when he screams at Gertie. Change! AHHHHH! CHANGE!!!!!!) It was very gutteral. Not cute.

 

Next Chapter: Provosts – The Elementary Years.

Read more »
0 com

seeking solace

Last night, PGP and I watched my darling nieces and nephew so the much loved A&M could have a proper date night out.

Let me set the stage.

Here are the ages: 12, 10, 8, 6 and 3. Plus, 2 puppies (10mo old Oliver Twist & 5mo old Bubba the bulldog) and Atticus Finch (a distinguished 10yrs)

I drank a Red Bull before everyone came and made peace with the impending chaos.

We had a really great time.

A few times during the evening, we all wondered aloud what it would be like if they were all mine.

It was cute to see the kids working out who would bunk up with whom. We figured out we’d have to refinish the basement.

Keep in mind while we were playing the “what if Aunt Emmy had 5 kids game” this is the tape that was playing in my head: FIVE KIDS?!?!?!? SWEET JESUS! THE INSANITY? I COULDN’T DO IT. I NEED MORE VALIUM. AND LIQUOR. AND VALIUM. AND LIQUOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

I often wonder how I can make sure my children will be as gracious and sensitive as Owen, 12 and Lyla, 10. They kept thanking me, and apologizing for any little malfunction. (A scuffle between my 3 year old niece Ottilia and the mighty Bubba the Bulldog) Such GOOD kids. I have a soft spot for Ottilia as she is the female version of Finn, full of spirit and energy.

After they all played and ate and played, I set them up with movies and popcorn. The “little ones” Finn and Ottilia, watched a younger movie in the living room, while the older kids watched another movie in the playroom.

All of the puppies were asleep, exhausted after chasing each other around all night.

And the dishwasher was full and humming.

I went upstairs to soak and wash my feet. (Does anyone else do this? Especially in the summer, I have to wash my feet before I get into bed after trolling around all day in flip flops.)

My brother came to pick up his brood and they all left in a flurry of hugs and thank yous.

I loved the swirl of feelings I experienced as I locked the door behind them: productive, tired in a great way, and love.

This morning, I am enjoying the quiet, with the sunlight streaming in, as I peruse the images from sugarock.

Simply stunning. Do yourself a favor and go take a peek at her work. Soooo beautiful.

Happy Saturday. I hope it’s relaxing. It’s supposed to be hot hot hot here, so I’m already flipping through my mental rolodex of air-conditioned activities. Peter has the kids at karate so the dogs and I are back in bed.

One more thing –- A belated welcome to the world to Cian James and Addison Grace. I love yo mamas! Nothing better than the smell of a new baby…

things

Read more »
2 com

Collector

I have this habit of collecting artwork I love and then just holding on to it and never framing it. Well, sometimes I do frame it, but I have 4 or 5 that I NEED to frame because they make me happy.

Here is yet another Etsy find that I bought to frame from Pistachio Press.

momanddogs

Original art is so affordable and there are so many talented artists out there. This print, of course, makes me think of me and my furry boys. I also love the subtle pattern in the background. Plus, I just can’t resist letterpress. What is it? I immediately think “Oooo!” and want to touch it.

Kind of in a funk lately and feeling sorry for myself. Feeling SO so so tired and achy. And the heat doesn’t help. The stomach problem persists and really really sucks. I have constant nausea and pain.  I have an ultrasound tomorrow and my gastroenterologist thinks it might be my gallbladder that is causing all of the problems. So, of course, if that’s it, they’ll have to take it out. The endoscopy was uneventful, except I think I know what it feels like to be roofied now. Bizarre experience. Not bad, just bizarre. Totally different from surgery because there really wasn’t a lot of prep time before. I mean, I was still wearing my clothes and shoes!

Did I tell you this already?

I’m always repeating myself.

Anyway, I’m over it and I’m being the meanest Mom ever. And my kids are being the suckiest kids ever in response to me being the meanest Mom ever.

Yesterday, I took them to Wendy’s for dinner and then Baskin Robbins for Ice Cream. Ok, I’ll totally get a ticket from the health police but whatever, i didn’t have to cook OR do dishes so suck it.

We do all that, which in my opinion is pretty damn cool and they’re still being jerks. It was on the tip of my tongue to say “You guys are total assholes.” But of course I didn’t. Then I actually had a mini dialogue with myself about why I couldn’t just tell them they were assholes, which had me laughing out loud.

I’m still on a reading bender. Can’t. Get. Enough! I just finished Live from New York, which was absolutely delicious. I am a comedy nerd and love to hear the ins and outs of things related to comedy. What happens BEHIND the scenes, especially with such an amazing, groundbreaking show. Plus, I’m fascinated by Lorne Michaels.

I am still trudging through Girl With The Hornet’s Nest. It’s strange, I just have no interest but I want to finish it, sort of.

I read Prep by Curtis Sittenfeld, which was a great read and I loved discussing it with the mucho analytical smarty Mrs. R. I’d like to read some other things by her.

I picked up Quantum Wellness yesterday for some help in the “my life is going to shit health wise” category and this could be helpful. We’ll see though. Sometimes these books just end up pissing me off.

Hope you’re having a lovely Tuesday, ladybugs.

Read more »
0 com

Dolphins Are Just Gay Sharks

My friend AXM sent me this comic and I literally have been laughing all day thinking about it. Sharks and big words. Two great tastes that go great together.

(I’m aware I’m a total nerd.)

sharks

Read more »