Wonder

Wonder

I have breast cancer.

(Sorry for the abruptness. I have debated for days of how or even if I would blog about it. I can’t beat around the bush. It’s just not me. And I can’t NOT blog about it. It’s just too big.)

I found out on Thursday, August 13. I cried when I found out, sitting on the front porch with Peter. I had just come home from Finn’s karate lesson. I got out of the car and Peter handed me the phone. I immediately fumbled for my notepad in my purse and a pen so I could scribble down what she was telling me.“breast cancer” I wrote and showed Peter.

I was really quiet and shocked for a few days. Literally shocked. My body was heavy and I felt like I could hear the air moving around me.

I am the medical enigma. And now add one more ailment to the list.

It made me think of that song “wonder” by Natalie Merchant.

Doctors have come
from distant cities
just to see me
stand over my bed
disbelieving what they're seeing
they say I must be one of the wonders
of god's own creation
and as far as they see they can offer
no explanation

Breast Cancer.

Seriously?

Honestly though, I expected it. Truthfully, not this soon, but I expected it.

Luckily, they caught it REALLY early.  My doctors have been ALL over MRIs, Mammograms, ultrasounds and biopsies (5!) this past year, much to my annoyance but now the reason is clear.

It is only in my left breast but I will have a double mastectomy with breast reconstruction as soon as possible.

We met with my surgeon yesterday and she is the same woman who operated on my Dad. This fact comforts me. My mom said both she and Dad really liked Dr. K. That makes me feel safe. She is also a really smart, direct, and caring woman.

I’m smiling as I type because growing up there was a running joke in our family. If we had to wait for anything, my Dad would say “Well, did you tell them who you were?” As if saying “I’m Emily Padden, Roger Padden’s daughter” would get me faster service. It’s always made us laugh.

And now, after telling this surgeon “who I was” (Ellen and Roger Padden’s daughter) it has fast tracked me to the top of the VIP list, a fact that my Dad would love. He’s loving it now. Dr. K said “I will do anything and everything I can for you. You are from a very special family.”

After my Dad died, she sent my mom a card. She also came to the funeral and said she had never seen such a great send off. She remembered that the first letter of all of our names spell AMEN.

“I can’t remember the N!” she said.

“Neil” I said.

“Ah!” She said.

She put her hand on mine and said some other nice things before delving into the exam, as I sat in my paper gown, open in the front.

We meet with 2 plastic surgeons tomorrow, which should be interesting. Maybe I’ll bring my camera.

I’m just looking forward to getting this over and done with. I don’t have time for you, cancer, you asshole.

I’m in a good place emotionally. I feel strong and calm. And positive. As ELK said so eloquently “now is the time I need to be surrounded by positive positiveness.” Pretty great, eh? Positive Positiveness.

Also, my friend NW said “You are strong and surrounded by love and light.”

I love that and told N that I want to blow it up and print it out.

I have amazing friends and family.

more to come…I will try to keep you updated with information as I get it.

Read more »

Style Pages – Hadley Edition

Style Pages – Hadley Edition

Here’s HJ on the first day of 2nd grade.

Finn and I ended up buying this messenger bag when H was in NC. Finn saw it in a store and said “We need to get this. Sister will love it.”

And she did.

She loves school by the way. When I say “You like school, right?” She’ll say “I don’t just like it, Mom. I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVVVE it.”

This is H rocking out one morning before school. She’s taken to just randomly wearing those glasses. They are the 3-D glasses that you get when you see the movie “UP” in 3-D.

Walking back into the kitchen after this enthusiastic interpretive dance she said breathlessly, “Music makes me so happy, Mom.”

“Me too” I said.

I absolutely adore this child’s spirit. She is my inspiration. And so deliciously extraordinary. It can’t be just me. I mean, everyone sees this right?

This is how she traveled home on the plane from Asheville, NC. The sunglasses stayed on for the duration. As did the iPod. It kept a smile on my face the whole time.

Next up: Style Pages - Finn Edition

Read more »

Hello Mutha, Hello Fatha,

Hello Mutha, Hello Fatha,

Hey there…back from Asheville, NC.

(remember that song? My Dad used to sing it all the time…at the thought of camp it pops into my brain….)

A big thank you to Grammy and Bompie for putting on a stellar week.  I know my kids will have wonderful memories of the time spent with their grandparents in the beautiful mountains of Asheville. Pictures soon. Peter said he took some. For some reason I did not take one. I was very busy lifting glass to lips, fork to mouth and/or nuzzling my baby niece, Claire. Kids present were: Julien, 8, Claire, 6 months, Sophie, 8, Hadley, 7, Griffin, 11 and Finn, 5.

Peter’s sis, Michelle, mother to Julien and Claire, has an uber camera so she did most of the photographing. I will beg photos from her.

We arrived a week after Hadley with Finn and of course, the minute a younger pup arrives the rest of the litter picks on him. Poor Finn. He handled it well though.

A list for you of fragments and memories: (I’m sure Grammy and Bomp have many many more…)

Miss Becky’s banana pudding, fireflies, Grammy’s rules, Bompie playing the guitar, Grammy constantly making SOMETHING for SOMEONE – children eat all day long, bedtime dramas, the dreaded mosquitoes, firework shows, s’mores, dance party with the disco ball, the screened in porch which we would deem ADULTS ONLY at times, Asheville Cocktail, loading up everyone in cars, their beautiful yard and garden sprinkled with bits of magic and whimsy.

Before we left each child built a birdhouse with Bompie and then painted it with Grammy. They were then mounted along the trails behind Grammy and Bompie’s house. So so sweet and there forever.

School starts on Monday for little Miss 2nd grader, HJ. (hear the choirs of angels singing? They’re good like that. ) Finn is still in his summer program at Montessori and transitions into Pre-K early September. I will get on the ball and post some pics of the girl, with her skull messenger bag and skull water bottle. She really is the cutest. She keeps wearing it around the house with her ipod and headphones on. I have a super tween on my hands.

Read more »

Dragging Me Down Again

Dragging Me Down Again

Perhaps the week is catching up with me. Perhaps my reprieve is over. Perhaps that lupus bitch overheard me yesterday at a cafe telling KDH I felt pretty good. Obviously, that’s not ok, so during the night she slithered into my bed and attacked my body as I slept.

Is that weird that I humanize lupus? I sort of enjoy it. Lupus IS a villain. Why not humanize her? If only to entertain myself. And she’s a she, of course, because a man could not embody this enigmatic, devious, cruel, transient disease the way a woman could. At least in my mind. Also, the thought of a male disease repressing me is too aggravating.

Anyway, my long rambling point, is that I don’t feel well.

I’ve hit the wall. Every single time it happens,  I try to run down what was the cause of this flare. (the weather? did I do too much? What did I eat?) It’s maddening. Stress is a huge component. Who lives without stress? And as of late, I have had my fair share. I’m over doctors offices and tests and poking and prodding. I’m over the anxiety these tests unfurl upon me, and the places it takes my brain.

Oy.

Been listening to this album lately and only today did I think “Hey, that’s my song”…

Hit the Wall

I’ve got 500 reasons to get upset,

but I’d rather laugh it off and go and make a mess.

Gotta whole lot of demons acting up in my head but I refuse to cut a deal just yet

Oh no, when the world is dragging me down again

Yes, I know, yes, I know, I can turn things around my friend

But I hit the wall again

I hit the wall again

No more imagining

Think I hit the wall again

I don’t know how it started or how it’s gonna end

But I feel it rising, rising, rising

And no more money for the penny arcade it never stopped me from playing

I haven’t found my way across this wild terrain it never stopped me from dreaming

oh no, weight of the world is dragging me down again

Yes, I know, yes, I know, I can turn things around my friend

But I hit the wall again

I hit the wall again

No more imagining

I hit the wall again

-- “Hit the Wall” Elizabeth and the Catapult

 

My mood sort of matches the weather. It’s like Fall here. Chilly, rainy and dark. Reminds me of Seattle. Meanwhile, in Seattle, my friends are frying in the 100 degree heat! Except EVM, who is reveling in it somewhere. I can feel her smiling. Stay cool the rest of you!

Read more »

Partially Empty Nest

Partially Empty Nest

Peter is in Seattle this week and Hadley is in Asheville NC.

HJ made it safely into Grammy and Bompie’s loving arms, which allowed me to breath again. She, or course, was fine and the flight was fine. When we talked to her that night said said “So, how ARE you?” like we were the 7 year olds who had flown 3 hours across the country for the first time.

Peter and I laughed.

We asked her what she did on the flight and she said “I mostly listened to music and drew.”  Peter gave her his iPod shuffle and I loaded it with music she loves.

Then she said she had to go because she and her cousin were catching fireflies.

Getting.Bigger.Every.Minute.

As if to punish myself I have been looking at pictures of her when she was teeny tiny.

I knew from our first few moments together that she would be fine in life. That sounds so cliché but I really did. Even as a very very small person, she gave off this aura of “Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.”

My little rare bird.

So, it’s just me and Finn here.

He is at school in the morning every day. So I have all of this time.

I am relishing it and trying not to busy myself doing every little thing. I’m recharging for our trip on Sunday and just generally taking it easy.

It has been so cool to have Finn all to myself. We have been playing and it is so good for HIM to be in charge. For HIM to come up with ideas and execute them. Normally, sister holds tightly onto her control over him and basically he does whatever she says.

Plus, with all of my attention focused on him, he’s being SO GOOD!

Having it be just be the two of us, I often find myself staring at him. Taking in all of the fabulous things that make him Finn.

This morning he said to me (again) while eating his breakfast, without looking up, “Mom, stop staring at me. You keep staring at me.”

I told him “I’m staring at you because I love you and I think you’re great.”

“Oh” he says “ok, but stop staring at me.”

 

PS- Big ups to PGP for fixing my spacing problem!! Yippeee!

 

*drawing by patricia dorr parker

Read more »

She’s Cool Like that

She’s Cool Like that

Hadley is leaving tomorrow morning to go to Asheville, NC to spend a week with the grandparents and cousins . They call it “Camp Grammy and Bompie”.  I always express my surprise that they would WANT to take on 4 children by themselves. My m-in-law assures me that they are BETTER when they are not with the parents. I hope that’s true.

Peter, Finn and I will fly into town August 2 to spend some time there and fly home with Hadley on the 5th.

She is flying alone to Charlotte, NC where they will pick her and another cousin up and then drive to Asheville.  On TOP of the ticket price, you must pay an additional $100 each way for an unaccompanied minor. (!!!)

They better pet her and hand feed her the entire time.

She went to Seattle alone in July 2008 to stay with Taylor, but Lori flew to Denver to accompany Hadley back to Denver. And then Peter was in Seattle so he flew home with her. Look at her. Cool as a cucumber.

Anxiety is high in these parts with me tonight. I have visions of eating Ativan like Smarties.

I’m surprised at my anxiety levels actually, because I’m a pretty easy going parent. I don’t hover. I encourage independence and thinking for herself. I don’t tend to worry about things most parents lose sleep over.

This is just really big to me. I was pacing around this afternoon as the hours kept passing, trying to keep busy and not think about it. I was distracted and a bit irritated. Shaky almost.

It reminded me of the day I got married and how anxious my Dad was. I didn’t realize it at the time.

For some reason, I was alone with my mom and dad and we were at their house. We were all in their bedroom, a lovely memory of the three of us on their bed. My Dad was acting this same way. He was grumpy and distracted. Irritable and aloof. Which, if you knew Roger Padden, was NOT him at all.

I’m smiling now remembering it because I kept saying “Are you ok, Dad?”

I know now he was worried and anxious.

As am I.

It’s cool to come full circle and identify with your parents as fellow parents and not just big people put in your life to embarrass you and tell you NO all of the time.

It’s a big thing, this “letting go” business. I am ALL for it. It doesn’t mean it makes it any easier.

I would be surprised if Hadley knew of my anxiety as I have given nothing away. From me there has been nothing but nonchalance and talk of the awesomeness of it all.

I’ve encouraged that fully. I have always wanted my baby girl to have big, beautiful, strong wings. I want nothing more for her than to soar.

Luckily, there is NO confidence lacking with our Hadley Joan as evidenced by this pic I took of her this morning at Finn’s karate class. She came downstairs dressed like this and kept the sunglasses on inside the whole time. You can’t see the rest of the outfit but it was a long dress, jeweled sandals, complete with a bracelet that she turned into an anklet. She’s not posing, she was really standing there like that. (shaking my head laughing) Will I regret that I think this is hysterical and do nothing to discourage it?

Read more »

La Dolce Sorella

La Dolce Sorella

 

 

This picture is of me and Meg circa 1978 probably. I have it on my refrigerator and look at it every day because it makes me happy.

You’re coveting my Mork and Mindy suspenders, aren’t you?

I love my sister’s blog. Have you read it? You should. I read it and smile and nod and think “Wow.Isn’t she great?” I wish I remembered moments the way she does. Or how she describes the mundanity of life so beautifully.

I’m so glad she’s my sister. If she weren’t my sister, I would desperately want her to be my friend and then we could sit around having cocktails, talking about how we wish we were sisters.

Isle of View, Meginski.

Read more »