“You can plan all you want to. You can lie in your morning bed and fill whole notebooks with schemes and intentions. But within a single afternoon, within hours or minutes, everything you plan and everything you have fought to make yourself, can be undone as a slug is undone when salt is poured on him. And right up until the moment when you find yourself dissolving into foam you can still believe you are doing fine.”
I was officially diagnosed with breast cancer on August 13, 2009. The 13th came and went without me remembering. It was only today when I was listening to a CD a friend made for me during that time that I remembered. (Side note: Can I just say I LOVE mix CDs? They are made with love and thought and give me a insight into what makes that particular person who they are.)
Back to cancer.
I don’t even know what date people use to say how long it’s been since they’ve had cancer. No one gave me a handbook.
I would probably say it would be more like Sept. 11, 2009, because that’s when they actually removed my breasts, and the cancer. But maybe it is the 13th. Who cares, really?
I can’t believe it’s been a year.
I think back frequently to the avalanche of love and support and feel so so grateful. It was a surreal time for so many reasons, both good and bad.
It seems like yesterday and a million years ago.
It really puts everything into perspective, like so many other of the big events in my life recently. Having children, being diagnosed with a chronic illness, the death of my amazing Dad….
Nothing is too big too handle. And most things are stupid and not worth worrying about.
The last step is to get my knipples tattooed, a task which I’m strangely looking forward to. I’ve always wanted a tattoo. Now I can say I have two! Although, things might get a little awkward when people ask 1) what they are and 2) if they can see them. However, flashing seems to be something I just do for sport these days so who knows!
I go through these phases where I fall upon something that fascinates me and I gobble up every available morsel of information about it.
Currently, my obsession is autism.
It started when I watched HBO’s Temple Grandin, the biopic about a woman growing up autistic in the 50s and 60s. (expertly portrayed by Claire Danes)
That led me to read one of Temple Grandin’s books, The Way I See It, as well as check out from the library ALL of the other books she has written, including a memoir by her mother.
Temple Grandin is the first person to accurately describe what it feels like to have autism. I found the information fascinating, not only as an insight into autism but human behavior in general. I really do believe that MANY people exhibit symptoms on the autism spectrum.
I find her wildly inspirational and super interesting. She is a highly regarded expert on Autism, has her doctorate in Animal Sciences and was instrumental in designing humane livestock facilities in the 80s. Phenomenal.
She spoke at TED in June 2010. Check it out.
I also recently saw Autism:The Musical, which I highly recommend. (you can stream it on Netflix for free)
AUTISM: THE MUSICAL counters today's bleak statistics with one woman's optimistic pledge to lead a group of autistic children in defying diagnosed expectations by writing, rehearsing and performing their own full-length musical.
I spent a good amount of time in awe of the parents.
Autism usually doesn’t present when the child is born. When it does appear (2,3 or 4 yrs usually) I would think it is almost like a death, depending on the severity, of course. The autism spectrum is quite large. In most severe cases, you have a normal, happy, healthy child and then one day, she stops looking you in the eye and starts to behave erratically. I can’t imagine the heartbreak.These parents grieve the life they thought their child would have and the life they thought they, as parents, would have.
However, as with anything, you have to keep going. It takes energy, commitment, love and positivity. You see that in this film.
Peter isn’t romantic in the traditional sense of the word. I have to remember that when my brother-in-law V does something swoon worthy for my sister. (he’s good.)
He IS romantic, though, in a delightful, surprising way. I have come to appreciate that over the years. I now know it’s the little things every day that make my life sweet, not grand gestures. (Although, it must be said, there have been lovely grand gestures as well.)
Case in point:
While out of town last week he sent me a email with “a word for you” in the subject line.
The word?
UXORIOUS
I had to look it up.
It means “excessively fond of or submissive to a wife”
I found it incredibly romantic and like to say the word out loud. I also like to pretend he had the word commissioned just for me.
pic from weheartit.com
Happy weekend, lovers.
Peter has been traveling a lot lately. He works from home so when he’s gone and the kids are at school, it is, as Bjork would say, “oh so quiet.”
And I love it. I really really love to be alone. It fuels me. Sometimes I find myself smiling for no reason. I’m always surprised at people who won’t go anywhere by themselves. A movie. Dinner. Exploring. Anywhere. Don’t get me wrong, I love being social as well, it’s just a delicate balance. I can’t enjoy one without the other. I NEED to be alone or I can’t function.
I found this video absolutely breathtaking and inspiring. I love everything about it. It is aptly titled “how to be alone.”
Enjoy.
found via dailypoetics
I hesitate sometimes to write about how I’m feeling physically because who really cares, right? No one wants to hear the daily blathering of a sick girl.
However, it soothes me if I put it down somewhere. Take it from my brain where the pain makes me feel crazy and like I somehow made it up. Sort of like if you have a host of things to do swimming in your head, write them down and it will free up space and energy. You, readers, are my sounding board, so thank you.
I’m down to the minimum of my pain meds and my body is well aware. I am exhausted and so achy that the stairs are my enemy. The stomach problems persist. MOTHERF*CK. I just can’t win.
Husband flew home today and we snuck in a nap before the kids got home from school, which was a cozy highlight of the day.
I’ve mentioned before how much I love Tavi Gevinson from StyleRookie. It astounds me that she is 14 years old and I want to bottle her up, turn her into glitter and douse Hadley with all of her magic. I also want to applaud her parents and tell them to give me all of their child rearing secrets.
She spoke in June at Big Ideas in Toronto. You have to watch it. Could you have done this at 14? Are her speaking skills perfect? No. But it doesn’t matter. I just beam with pride listening to her, as a woman, as a mother, and as a former awkward, 14 year old girl who wanted/needed to be heard. Her future is so bright.
header from StyleRookie
I saw “The Kids Are All Right.” (skip this if you haven’t seen it or don’t want to know anything about it.)
I wish I had seen it before everyone proclaimed it to be the best movie in all of the land ever ever ever. I liked it and found it quite lovely but I much prefer seeing things without expectations.
Julianne Moore seemed a little awkward. I know her character IS awkward and insecure but at times I thought she was going to slip into her character from 30 Rock. Do you watch 30 Rock? She was on last season as Alec Baldwin’s girlfriend from high school with this “wicked pissah” Boston accent. She talks lower like she did in the movie, so I found it distracting.
Then I was totally distracted by Mark Ruffalo’s character’s hot girlfriend because I couldn’t figure out what she had been in before. Turns out its Yaya DaCosta from America’s Next Top Model 2004. (thank you imdb!)
I did enjoy Annette Bening. She was at her best. And there were moments that summed up parenthood and family life really beautifully.
My favorite favorite moment though, and my heart fills with warm gooeyness when I think about it, was when Nic and Jules (A. Bening and J. Moore) were lying in bed facing each other and Nic says “I love you, chicken” and Jules says “I love you too, pony.”
Sigh. There was such a beautiful intimacy to it. I think about it all the time. Not to mention I loved the use of such random terms of affection. Beautiful.
I thought it was a little heavy handed how Mark Ruffalo was depicted as such a playboy. Ok, we get it. He’s attractive and gets a lot of ass. The hetero sex scenes seemed a bit extraneous and acrobatic while the lesbian couple was completely under the covers. (although that could be a nod to the fact that when you’re married, things are just not that exciting.)
I really wanted Joni to wash and brush her hair, although I found her adorable and sweet. Same with Laser. Such a sweet kid. Except the part where he “discovers” his friend is a douche. I’m sorry, the friend SCREAMS douche long before he even suggests they pee on a stray dog.
Overall, I enjoyed it though…especially the Heath bar that I ate greedily like a kid who snuck out of fat camp.
Did you see it? Did you like it?
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