Wonder

Wonder

I have breast cancer.

(Sorry for the abruptness. I have debated for days of how or even if I would blog about it. I can’t beat around the bush. It’s just not me. And I can’t NOT blog about it. It’s just too big.)

I found out on Thursday, August 13. I cried when I found out, sitting on the front porch with Peter. I had just come home from Finn’s karate lesson. I got out of the car and Peter handed me the phone. I immediately fumbled for my notepad in my purse and a pen so I could scribble down what she was telling me.“breast cancer” I wrote and showed Peter.

I was really quiet and shocked for a few days. Literally shocked. My body was heavy and I felt like I could hear the air moving around me.

I am the medical enigma. And now add one more ailment to the list.

It made me think of that song “wonder” by Natalie Merchant.

Doctors have come
from distant cities
just to see me
stand over my bed
disbelieving what they're seeing
they say I must be one of the wonders
of god's own creation
and as far as they see they can offer
no explanation

Breast Cancer.

Seriously?

Honestly though, I expected it. Truthfully, not this soon, but I expected it.

Luckily, they caught it REALLY early.  My doctors have been ALL over MRIs, Mammograms, ultrasounds and biopsies (5!) this past year, much to my annoyance but now the reason is clear.

It is only in my left breast but I will have a double mastectomy with breast reconstruction as soon as possible.

We met with my surgeon yesterday and she is the same woman who operated on my Dad. This fact comforts me. My mom said both she and Dad really liked Dr. K. That makes me feel safe. She is also a really smart, direct, and caring woman.

I’m smiling as I type because growing up there was a running joke in our family. If we had to wait for anything, my Dad would say “Well, did you tell them who you were?” As if saying “I’m Emily Padden, Roger Padden’s daughter” would get me faster service. It’s always made us laugh.

And now, after telling this surgeon “who I was” (Ellen and Roger Padden’s daughter) it has fast tracked me to the top of the VIP list, a fact that my Dad would love. He’s loving it now. Dr. K said “I will do anything and everything I can for you. You are from a very special family.”

After my Dad died, she sent my mom a card. She also came to the funeral and said she had never seen such a great send off. She remembered that the first letter of all of our names spell AMEN.

“I can’t remember the N!” she said.

“Neil” I said.

“Ah!” She said.

She put her hand on mine and said some other nice things before delving into the exam, as I sat in my paper gown, open in the front.

We meet with 2 plastic surgeons tomorrow, which should be interesting. Maybe I’ll bring my camera.

I’m just looking forward to getting this over and done with. I don’t have time for you, cancer, you asshole.

I’m in a good place emotionally. I feel strong and calm. And positive. As ELK said so eloquently “now is the time I need to be surrounded by positive positiveness.” Pretty great, eh? Positive Positiveness.

Also, my friend NW said “You are strong and surrounded by love and light.”

I love that and told N that I want to blow it up and print it out.

I have amazing friends and family.

more to come…I will try to keep you updated with information as I get it.