He’s Not There

He’s Not There

Atticus died on Saturday. Well, we had him put to sleep. The vet had a special room that looked like a tiny living room with a rug, couch, chairs and a lamp. The lighting was low and the doctor and vet techs were unobtrusive. It was intimate.

I lay on the floor next to my chocolate boy, stroking his face and telling him how much I loved him as they gave him a sedative. Peter and Hadley were there too petting him. (Finn didn’t want to go.)

Our vet gave him the final injection and it was over in 15 seconds. Hadley covered him with a blanket that was in the room.

I was crying, but quietly, until my darling Peter said “Bye, buddy” and I lost it.

Peter settled the payment while Hadley and I walked to the car holding hands. I told her I was glad she was with me.

Driving home I noticed the clear, beautiful day as Peter Gabriel’s Solsbury Hill blared from the stereo.  I could hear my sweet Hadley singing in the backseat.

Sunday was filled with Easter hustle and bustle and I was distracted and busy. I pushed sadness from my thoughts. At my sister’s house for brunch, my family offered condolences and I thought I was ok. Logically, I had accepted it. Emotionally, I hadn’t.

I woke up this morning and he wasn’t there. Next to the bed on the floor, on my side, where he has slept for the past 12 years. Every morning, I would open my eyes, look over and see him patiently waiting for me to wake up so I could feed him and let him out. As soon as we made eye contact, he would get up and nuzzle his face in the side of the bed for a pet.

I felt empty.

I got the kids off to school this morning and I was finally left alone to grieve. 

I miss my friend. I’ve never loved an animal like I loved him.  In the chaos of this life of mine, I could always count on him to keep me grounded. We’d catch eyes across the room and I’d know that he was on my side and I’d be ok. He was here through our marriage, babies, moves, lupus, my dad’s death, cancer. I don’t think more tears could be shed on a dog.

He also made me incredibly happy and for that I’m profoundly grateful.

RIP Atty. You were such a good dog.

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Atticus

Atticus

My dog faced boy has cancer. It’s everywhere. I know non pet owners don’t understand but as ELV put it so eloquently a pet dying is its own “special heartbreak.”

Indeed.

It’s hard watching the spark slowly slip away out of my sweet boy’s body. 

He is losing his physical abilities as the days go on and I think it may be time soon to put him down. It’s such an odd power to wield. Humbling. Who am I to say it’s time for him to die? He can’t really stand up by himself but when he sees me his eyes get wide and warm and he wags that big beaver tail. Still wagging even if he can’t get up. Such a gentle giant.

He’s 12 years old and has had a wonderful life. I adore him. Truly. Peter and I got him a month before we were married. He was our practice kid and we have adored him.

More than anything I’ll just miss my quiet constant companion.

XO

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Thursday Loves

Thursday Loves

• Music – specifically Cat Stevens, Tennis, Fleetwood Mac, The Weepies
• Feeling light and zippy (yup, I just said “zippy”)
• brunches and lunches with people I love
• Daydreaming about vacations
• my sister’s post about her recent vacation to Tulum
• Oliver spooning with me at night under the covers like a nursing infant.
• RuPaul’s Drag Race
• Feeling grateful. Every day.
• The look on Peter’s face when I gave him a snow blower for his birthday
• This girl’s photostream on Flickr. That blue hair is perfection. I love the shot called “WINTER.”
• Planning a baby shower and HJ’s birthday party. FUN! The fun part for me is the invites and choosing where to have it. (Baby shower = French restaurant, bday party = funky art workshop for kids) Then I just delegate. It’s too stressful for me any other way.
• Still alive and cleansing like a mofo. It’s Day 4 and I’ve had some minor missteps along the way but I’m being decidedly chill about it. This isn’t about self-flagellation. It’s about learning what works for my body and about being healthier.

I will say that I’m much more of a juice kind of girl. I love that vibrant green!

Yesterday morning I decided to make a smoothie. I put in some romaine, raspberries, an avocado, a cucumber and some coconut water. It looked so beautiful before I turned on my mighty Vita Mix. After that it was just brown sludge. I literally choked it down. And I was sad because I LOVE all of the ingredients. It tasted pretty good but I just couldn’t get past the texture and color of it.

I feel really really good though. My stomach issues have been non-existent since I started. I don’t know if I can attribute that to the cleanse or the fact that I also started taking Probiotics. Either way, it’s fabulous. Lupus has been relatively quiet as well. Big ups to my friend B, who is kicking arse as well!

Happy almost weekend to you, sweet people of the interwebs.

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Thursday Loves

Thursday Loves

                

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Hello little squirrels.

Here are some things I’ve been loving lately:

• the glitter red nail polish on my toes. They were like portable Christmas ornaments all through December.
• big black crows. They fascinate me and their squawking makes me laugh.
• wearing hot pink underwear under my usual utilitarian every day black garb
• my lavender body oil, which leaves my skin supple and me smelling a bit like the Patchouli wearing boys in college I found so irresistible
• watching back seasons of Dexter
• the effects of deep conditioner on my locks
• Crepes with Nutella (let’s be honest, ANYTHING with Nutella)
• People who hold the door even when you’re more than 10 steps away
• The bookstore. Everything about it. I feel a sense of panic about only choosing a few books. Almost like at the dog pound, I want to take them ALL home. (I finally chose Patti Smith’s memoir “Just Kids” and Mary Karr’s “Lit” for Mexico, even though I walked around petting Steve Martin’s An Object of Beauty for 20 minutes. I also ordered Poser: My Life in 23 Yoga Poses)
• Oliver, our puppy, goes to the tub, jumps in and then cries because he can’t get out. Every night. It makes me laugh. I swear I’ve seen Atticus roll his eyes at this.
• Hadley’s CONSTANT and I mean, CONSTANT, singing. She’s been on a Feist kick lately, which amuses me because she changes the words to all of the songs. She’s also experimenting with her vibrato.
• The thought of a fresh, new year unfolding before me.
• practicing yoga regularly. It’s going to keep me out of the looney bin, y’all.
• Planning our next trip. My wanderlust is out of control.
• Speaking of wanderlust, we leave for Sayulita soon! So excited. I’ll be the super pale one with two bruised, skinned knees and a massively bruised left foot. I fell down the last two basement stairs putting away Christmas decorations. Idiot. I lay there for a few moments crying, then realized I was going to be ok, so I stood up, dusted myself off and limped off to ice everything.
• This American Life on NPR. It always makes me think or smile or both.

I hope today brings you a welcome surprise or at least a few things that make you laugh out loud.

XO

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Calmness in the middle of a lot

Calmness in the middle of a lot

Yesterday I ran up to PetCo to get dog food. The store is in a huge fairly new shopping center. In the middle of the parking lot there is an empty grass lot just waiting for some bank or sandwich shop or something to be erected. It’s usually empty.

Yesterday, there were two horses in it.

Just randomly hanging out.

No signs, no other people.

Just these two horses.

I was awestruck, as I love horses. No real experience with them really, aside from the normal ride every year or two, but I love them. They are so majestic and mysterious. I daydream about riding a lot. Strange really, as I don’t want to do all of the stuff associated with riding like mucking out a stall or cleaning or shoveling hay or being a farm hand. I just want to ride.

Anyway.

I threw the car in park and got out with that scared/excited feeling in my belly propelling me forward.

I walked quietly over to the fence and one of them came to me.

I let him smell me and stroked his head while I talked to him. Asking him what he was doing here and thanking him for letting me pet him.

I stood there for a  couple more minutes just being with him, noticing the initials MC branded on his ass.

And then I left.

It was like 2 hours of yoga in the span of 4 minutes.

Calming, peaceful and good for the soul.

I went back this afternoon to take a picture.

After taking this one I turned around and took another shot of the mountains from the exact same spot.

Two things:

1. See! It is a total parking lot.

2. I love Colorado. Look at those mountains. And the blue sky!  I say to the kids at LEAST twice a week “We are so lucky to live somewhere so beautiful.”

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seeking solace

seeking solace

Last night, PGP and I watched my darling nieces and nephew so the much loved A&M could have a proper date night out.

Let me set the stage.

Here are the ages: 12, 10, 8, 6 and 3. Plus, 2 puppies (10mo old Oliver Twist & 5mo old Bubba the bulldog) and Atticus Finch (a distinguished 10yrs)

I drank a Red Bull before everyone came and made peace with the impending chaos.

We had a really great time.

A few times during the evening, we all wondered aloud what it would be like if they were all mine.

It was cute to see the kids working out who would bunk up with whom. We figured out we’d have to refinish the basement.

Keep in mind while we were playing the “what if Aunt Emmy had 5 kids game” this is the tape that was playing in my head: FIVE KIDS?!?!?!? SWEET JESUS! THE INSANITY? I COULDN’T DO IT. I NEED MORE VALIUM. AND LIQUOR. AND VALIUM. AND LIQUOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

I often wonder how I can make sure my children will be as gracious and sensitive as Owen, 12 and Lyla, 10. They kept thanking me, and apologizing for any little malfunction. (A scuffle between my 3 year old niece Ottilia and the mighty Bubba the Bulldog) Such GOOD kids. I have a soft spot for Ottilia as she is the female version of Finn, full of spirit and energy.

After they all played and ate and played, I set them up with movies and popcorn. The “little ones” Finn and Ottilia, watched a younger movie in the living room, while the older kids watched another movie in the playroom.

All of the puppies were asleep, exhausted after chasing each other around all night.

And the dishwasher was full and humming.

I went upstairs to soak and wash my feet. (Does anyone else do this? Especially in the summer, I have to wash my feet before I get into bed after trolling around all day in flip flops.)

My brother came to pick up his brood and they all left in a flurry of hugs and thank yous.

I loved the swirl of feelings I experienced as I locked the door behind them: productive, tired in a great way, and love.

This morning, I am enjoying the quiet, with the sunlight streaming in, as I peruse the images from sugarock.

Simply stunning. Do yourself a favor and go take a peek at her work. Soooo beautiful.

Happy Saturday. I hope it’s relaxing. It’s supposed to be hot hot hot here, so I’m already flipping through my mental rolodex of air-conditioned activities. Peter has the kids at karate so the dogs and I are back in bed.

One more thing –- A belated welcome to the world to Cian James and Addison Grace. I love yo mamas! Nothing better than the smell of a new baby…

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I Really Would Hurt a Fly

I Really Would Hurt a Fly

I am a lover of all animals. Even bugs and spiders.  But I really really fucking hate flies.

You know that saying “Oh, she wouldn’t hurt a fly!”

I would.

In fact, I saw one in the sink the other day and I purposely turned on the water and watched it drown. I felt like a total crazy serial killer because I was giggling maniacally when I did it. But they’re DISGUSTING. And the ones in my house are on steroids or some shit. I swear you could put a saddle on them.

And they’re dumb. I try to open the door and shoo them out, giving them a second chance at life, but no, they prefer to continue to fly into the window directly next to the open door to freedom.

I hate them.

This morning, HJ and I took Oliver (joyful joyful mischievous pup) and Atticus (dashing, handsome, older gentleman) on a walk. It’s always sort of comical. They are total Mutt and Jeff.

There are bunnies EVERYWHERE in our neighborhood. I mean EVERYWHERE, so it wasn’t unusual to see one crouching by a garage on our walk.

But then I saw them.

The flies.

All around this poor little thing.

Hadley immediately took action.

“Hold this, Mama.” she said as she handed Ollie’s leash to me and crept closer to the bunny.

It looked bad. The flies told me that. Bastards.

He was really hurt.

Hadley blurts out “You promised me if I ever found a hurt animal, I could help it!”

At this point, she was crying.

Ok, I say. Let’s take the dogs home and come back.

We go home and I look up Wildlife rescue online and call them.

The woman told me that no one would come. That it was better to leave it. I understood but my heart sank.

Then I held my Rare Bird as she sobbed for 30 minutes.

I told her to take her anger and sadness and put it to good use taking care of the animals we already have. So she put Sunny (gecko) in her travel container and took her outside to get her 20 minutes of sunshine.

And then she was fine. It was fascinating.

Husband comes home tonight. I’ve missed him terribly this week. Making a mental note to be sweet and adoring instead of cranky and exhausted. Wish me luck.

PS- I’ve been sucking at posting Thursday Loves regularly. I think I’ll just skip it and post whenever I feel like it.

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it was really just another day

it was really just another day

I’m 37 now. Turned 37 on July 18. Nothing spectacular but that’s ok. Nah, scratch that. Put me down for the spectacular. I enjoy that much more. Everything that COULD go wrong on my birthday did.

Hadley was adjusting to being back home after a week with her grandparents in Asheville, NC and by “adjusting” I mean being a total jerkface to her brother. My birthday soundtrack was her screaming at him. Literally, screaming. At one point Hadley said “Mom, my throat hurts from screaming.”

I stood there looking at her.

“Then don’t scream, jackass.”

Except I didn’t say “jackass”, I said “sweetie.” But I meant jackass.

What WAS spectacular was my gift. For weeks Peter would ask and I’d demur, not really knowing if I wanted anything.

That’s a lie though, I knew what I wanted and it was another dog. A dog to compliment my dashing Atticus. A small, non shedding, snuggle bug, who doesn’t bark or yip and loves people.

I found him last week (on July 13th, my Dad’s birthday) looking online at Denver Dumb Friends league and I knew in my heart this dog and I were meant to be. I had to get there ASAP before someone else could get their grubby hands on him. I called Peter as I drove to the shelter. He could hear it in my voice.

“So, this is what you want for your birthday, huh?”

“Yes!” I said triumphantly.

Leave it to me, the control freak, to end up getting my present from Peter myself.

And truly he is the greatest gift. THE best. Who abandons a dog that looks like this? I love him. And, just as I’d hoped, he adores me.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present Oliver Twist.

I have been Cranky Crankerson lately. Bad. Ask Peter. He may call me Snarky McSnarkerson though. I have been snarky. I finally put my finger on it.

I would like school to start.

Tomorrow.

August 9th is when they start and that can’t some soon enough. All of this unstructured time just makes me nuts. Also their expectation that I am to be juggling, while doing a soft shoe, making snacks and taking them to wondrous, fun places is obscene. I am on strike. Screw it.

I love my children. I really really really do. I’m just a better mother when I am not with them all of the time.

While looking for patience and inspiration this morning I found this on Raven and Lamb:

Love it love it love it.

Time to unclench my jaw and go where the day takes me. Wherever it takes me I will for sure be listening to Lady Gaga’s Alejandro on repeat.

XO

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Bailed Out

Bailed Out

Summer has swallowed me up.

With the kids home, it’s lots and lots of getting snacks and running to and fro keeping them busy. Any free time I have, I’m reading, watching a movie or sleeping.

Exhausting.

But in a kind of a good way (most days). We’ve gotten into a good rhythm where we do something in the morning or early afternoon. Then the blue eyed devils know I have to lie down or nap so they get to watch a movie. I crash as soon as my face hits the pillow and usually wake up drooling about 4. Then it’s time for act 2. Around 4, they go stir crazy so we usually head to the pool or to do SOMETHING active before dinner.

I can honestly say I’ve been enjoying this summer, which is a pleasant surprise. Trying to look for a little joy in every day helps and I tend to find it.

Jumping to another topic, not so joyful. No segway. My apologies.

My children lost my dog.

Two days ago, one of the kids didn’t close the door all the way when we went to the library. Atticus got out and ambled away. He doesn’t RUN away, you see, he just sort of wanders following his nose.

In the chaos of the day, I didn’t figure it out until it was time for him to eat at 5pm. Realizing he was gone, I grabbed Peter and we did the thing we usually do: scour the neighborhood, whistling and calling him. Usually, we’ll see him sniffing around someone’s yard, only to hear my voice and look up at me like  “Hey! I was just thinking about you!”

But this time, we didn’t find him.

I was crying. The kids knew I was upset. And they knew it was their fault and I meant business. They were super quiet. Hadley kept apologizing. I had stopped crying and was just silent, staring out the window, brokenhearted.

Those who know me, know how much I love this dog. Like I gave birth to him. He is never more then a few feet away from me and just looking at him makes my heart soar.

I made 25 signs and we drove around hanging them up. Taping them to the poles became increasingly more difficult as my energy was depleted and devastation consumed me.

 

This was the picture on the sign. (He’s randomly wearing Mardi Gras beads in this picture) I had to keep looking at his face every time I posted a sign. We got home and Peter went out and posted 10 more.

At about 8pm, a woman called and said that she saw her neighbor with a chocolate lab on her front porch and animal control was there taking him. The woman who called lives about 3 blocks from us. Why didn’t she just call us, you ask? Oh, because HE DIDN’T HAVE HIS COLLAR ON. The jingling of the tags makes me crazy so I take it off. Bad mama.

Atticus had to spend the night in the slammer. I have his mug shot to prove it.

I didn’t sleep well and was up with the sun waiting for this place to open. When we got there and posted his $55 bail, they brought out my baby.

He was so excited to see me that he busted past Peter and Hadley and jumped into my arms. Total mama’s boy. I could tell he was super stressed out and he smelled like pee and dirty dog.  I just kept saying “I’m sorry! I’m sorry!!”

We took him straight to the Wag N’ Wash and got him the deluxe spa treatment PLUS a new collar with a special thing that keeps the tags quiet.

I’m not kidding when I say he has been sleeping for two days. And really hasn’t left my side.

Talk about traumatic. I know most people don’t get it and think “it’s a dog. so what?”

Well, suck it. He’s my first born and has comforted me through so much. Dare I say I love him as much as my children? Perhaps. He is everything that is good in the world wrapped in a chocolate brown coat and big brown eyes.

 

Happy Canada Day to all of the Canadians!

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