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How Did This Happen?

Peter is a dedicated binge watcher of shows from beginning to end. It’s admirable, really. I don’t have the attention span and end up abandoning the project. (Damages, The Closer)

Since Peter usually watches in the living room, I’m constantly in and out of the room. At first, it’s just noise but then I stop for a second, ask a question, and then two. And then I sit down to “just watch this scene.” And every time, I get sucked in and addicted. It happened with Criminal Minds, which I initially hated and then found myself craving. Hadley got sucked in too. Finn hated it because he found it too upsetting. (FYI: He used to find Spongebob upsetting.)

We caught up to the current episodes on Criminal Minds so Peter set off to find another show with 4 or more seasons to binge watch and Blue Bloods caught his eye.

From Wikipedia: The series follows the Irish-American Reagan family of police officers with the NYPD.  Francis “Frank” Reagan (Tom Selleck – MAGNUM PI!) is the Police Commissioner . He was a US Marine Corps officer and a Vietnam veteran before he joined the NYPD. He is a 9/11 First Responder, a widower whose son Joe was murdered in the line of duty, and has three other adult children—Danny, Erin, and Jamie.

The family reminds me a lot of my own Irish-American Catholic family sometimes which makes me heart smile. Loud, opinionated, loyal, loving, and funny. They have dinner together every Sunday night and say the same prayer before dinner that I said growing up. The father and grandfather in the show have qualities similar to my Dad and I nod and smile when they do or say something my Dad would. My mom watches the show and loves it. 

Every time Tom Selleck comes on screen and does anything I’ll randomly say “Good idea, Magnum.” I love him and he’s such a great presence on screen.

One of the adult kids, Danny, is played by Donnie Wahlberg. He of the New Kids on The Block fame. I hadn’t really seen him in anything and he’s surprisingly good at that realistic, intense street cop thing. But I never thought about him or thought anything other than “oh, he’s a surprisingly good actor”.

But then I had a dream about him a few nights ago.

In the dream, we were romantically entangled. I remember being in the dream and saying “Wait, what? YOU?!? What are you doing here? Where’s Tom Selleck?”

I do not have a crush on Donnie Wahlberg but my damn subconscious does.

So the next morning, at the urging of my subconscious, who is like a teen girl, I googled everything about Donnie Wahlberg.

Did you know he has a show on VH1 called Donny Loves Jenny.



You know what happens next, don’t you?


I watched 3 episodes.

And it was really cute, actually. They’re adorable and funny and in love. I normally do not like reality TV (except Survivor!) because it’s negative and usually involves a lot of fighting and yelling. But with Donnie Loves Jenny,  they said they wanted to put out a positive show, which I thought was sweet. I’m on the fence about Jenny McCarthy. She seems like a nice, funny woman but that whole vaccine crusade thing really rubbed me the wrong way. I suppose it’s not entirely her fault though. Yes, she was insanely vocal about anti-vaxxing issues but it was the idiot public who proclaimed her Dr. Autism and started quoting her non-scientific viewpoint.

I digress.

So, after watching him with his wife and her darling autistic son and how sweet Donnie is to the kid, now my crush is real.

And I’m so irritated about it because it wasn’t my idea.

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These days...

Hello peanuts. 
Happy New Year! 
I hope you are settling in nicely to 2015. 
I don't make resolutions. I'm not a planner or long term goal setter. I don't know if its my personality or that I'm usually just trying to make it through the day. Perhaps both. I do love to read other people's though!

I saw this list on DesignCrush and unapologetically stole it. 

Making : lots and lots of piles
Cooking : rarely
Drinking : water - warm with lemon or ice cold.
Reading : Essay collections! The Unspeakable by Meghan Daum, Bad Feminist by Roxane Gay and One More Thing by BJ Novak
Wanting : to feel better
Obsessing: over puzzles, still. 
Looking : for the silver lining in chronic illness 
Playing : music to lift from the sickie sadness and winter doldrums
Wishing : that I was a young hooligan so I could make it to the 10:30 show of BROAD CITY LIVE at the Bluebird.
Enjoying : my family
Waiting : for The District's new album to come out
Liking : that Finn plays online games with Becca's (Old Same!) son. They hoot and holler on their headsets and it warms my heart.
Wondering : if I should straighten my hair
Loving : the age of my children currently (10 & 12)
Pondering : what H & F will be when they grow up
Considering : double and triple piercing my ears with my 12 year old
Watching : Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries on Netflix
Hoping : that I'm raising good people
Marveling : at HJ's bright pink hair. (This is us Xmas morning.)

Needing : to go grocery shopping
Smelling : like peppermint
Wearing : various versions of the "fancy sweatpant" that's all the rage, not styling it though, just a tank and no bra. #classy
Following : all orders given to me by my doc, like a good little patient. 
Wanting : to be at a beach
Noticing : that I'm getting stronger physically (go Pilates!)
Knowing : other people's opinions don't matter
Thinking : about how much I adore my mama
Feeling : fortunate
Admiring : people who make their creativity a priority
Sorting : various stupid paperwork on my desk
Buying : books!
Getting : into Pilates 
Bookmarking : vegan recipes, true crime articles
Disliking : eggshells in the sink 
Feeling : fuzzy headed
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Kitchen Nook

We redid this space a few years ago. Yes, I said years, but I just found these pictures so you're welcome.

Kitchen Before:

Doesn't that make you murderous? Sorry for the shite picture. Those are potted plants on the wallpaper, y'all. Potted. Plants.

Kitchen After: (with help from the supremely badass Karrie Kaneda from Happy Habitat. Also, since this photo was taken the floors have been restained to walnut.

So much better. Although, purposely left out is the rest of the kitchen which makes me murderous in a fruit-on-the-tile kind of way. Ick. 

wall color: Benjamin Moore Balboa Mist (We did the entire house in this color. It's lovely and soft)
table: IKEA (I feel it's small for the space but whatever. I send out wishes to the universe that a perfect big Saarinen shows up one day.
chairs: West Elm (these chairs are beyond gorgeous and quite possibly the most uncomfortable chairs in the universe, especially now that I am elderly with a bad back)
Fabric: Ack! I can't find the source. The benches are in a coated cotton because kids are gross. 

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Oh So Quiet

I quit Facebook and it was awesome.

I have been debating it for YEARS. Years, I tell you.

There were so many things I hated about it but I just kept checking it every 10 minutes like a trained chimp. (For the record, there were some great things too. Just not as many as the annoying ones.)

It was a lot of noise and distraction and frankly, stuff that I didn’t care about or need to know. There was also the element of “LOOK HOW MUCH MORE FUN WE ARE HAVING THAN YOU!” Something that has proven leads to depression in some folks. And that is definitely something I do not need help with, thankyouverymuch.

After deactivating my account, I felt immense relief. Like, crazy amounts of relief.
Then panic set in. What if no one misses me? What if no one knows I’m gone? Where will I put all of the pithy comments I come up with and all of the cute pictures? How will I know what’s going on?
A classic case of FOMO.
Fear Of Missing Out.

And the nurturing voice in my head said “It’s OK.”
And it is.

Hope your summer has been swell. I got semi tan for about a week and have eaten massive amounts of berries.

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Rare Bird

I recently read this quote by Steve Maraboli and was struck by how much it reminded me of our Hadley. Our extraordinary girl.

"She is delightfully chaotic; A beautiful mess. Loving her is a splendid adventure."

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Yesterday, we took my mom with us out to lunch and to see a Christmas musical called “Home for the Holidays”. It was really great to be out with her. As I struggle to find the Christmas spirit, she’s one of those people who just sort of carries it with her all of the time. I was hoping a little of her cheeriness would rub off on me.

When we got home, I went upstairs to lie down with a heating pad. The day took an enormous amount of energy and I was paying for it.

Often times, I have my laptop to read or watch something to distract me from the pain and fatigue. My body is exhausted but I can’t sleep.

Finn came in and wanted something, a video game on his iPod or something. I said no.

He became furious and said “Sometimes I don’t think you’re tired. I think you’re just lazy.”

I was stunned.

He left the room and I started to cry.

My one fear.

The main one, actually. The fear I carry around with me all day everyday, that people think I am faking or lazy, just came out of the mouth of my child.

I collected myself and called him back in the room.

I told him he hurt my feelings. He said he didn’t mean it. That he was angry.

I tried to explain more but 9 year old boys are impatient and he was so upset that he made me cry that I could tell he just wanted to flee the situation.

So I let him.

But what he said stayed with me. And probably always will.

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Self Love




I sort of cringe even reading the words “self love”. I feel like it’s every where. (a sign perhaps?) It just sounds so cheesy and often I think to myself, I don’t need to read about that. I practice self love.

And I do love myself. I really do! I love being me.

But lately, (is it turning 40?) a rude renter is taking up space in my brain preventing me from being good to myself. I’m not used to this voice and frankly, have been too tired to fight her. I purposely choose a female pronoun. This bitch is a Heather. She tells me I’m weak and lazy because I’m sick, that I’m not smart, attractive, talented, strong or worthy.

I’m cringing even reading that.

It’s not me.

I’m all those things. And a hell of a lot more.

But when the tape in your head plays negative nelly on a never ending loop, you just start to nod and say yeah, you’re right. I’ve been brainwashed.

I knew shit had to change when I would say something and Peter would look at me like we’d never met before.

“This isn’t you” he finally said.

It’s not.

Onward and upward, MFs.


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