i don’t recall eating shards of glass

i don’t recall eating shards of glass

I am pissed this stomach issue continues. It’s been pretty bad since JUNE. JUNE!

I specifically remember it got bad when Peter and I were in New Orleans for a week in June. I refused to deal with anything unpleasant while enjoying my time away, so I popped Percocet and was basically a hazy version of myself the entire time, not caring that my stomach hurt. 

Cut to SEPTEMBER and countless tests and procedures and med changes and NOTHING. They still don’t know.

Peter finally took me to the ER on Saturday because I was crying in a fetal position on my bed.

They did a CT scan. Nothing. They did however kindly pump me up full of Dilaudid for the pain and for that I tip my hat and say “thankyouverymuch.” I briefly identified with those poor addicts on Intervention. I get why they chase the high. Especially when it makes you forget that there are shards of glass being tossed around with hot coals in your belly.

My gastroenterologist and my rheumatologist just keep referring me back and forth to each other, which is infuriating. And why, when I talk to them, do they act like I woke them up from a nap on their vacation? As my eloquent friend EKD says “Listen dicks, this is my LIFE!”

So, each day, while the kids are at school, I rest a lot and try to distract myself by doing all the things that need to get done every day. I call my doctors and leave messages with assistants, hoping that someone calls me back that day. Sometimes I take pain pills, sometimes I don’t just to be clear headed and experience the pain to make sure I’m not making it up.

I know. I sound crazy.

So this morning I thought ‘screw you stomach’ and started cleaning maniacally and taking care of all sorts of stuff I had been neglecting. (I was channeling you, BE, because I know you’d like to be scrubbing instead of healing. XO) After being super productive, I allowed myself to rest.

I am keeping this INSANE journal of everything I’m doing to find a pattern in this madness. Eating is a total chore. I’ve been keeping up with water and watermelon seems to be fine. Don’t worry…this won’t turn into The Karen Carpenter story. I’m aware that I need to eat and am making a concerted effort. It’s just hard.

Even through all of this bullshit though, I can still find things that make happy and feel content and ever so grateful. I’ll take that. It could be so much worse…