Truth Telling
It ain’t happening.
For a few months now, I have been in fight mode, which for me, involves humor and massive, obnoxious doses of positivity. And the theme from “Rocky” permanently running through my brain. And lots of adrenaline.
Well, I won the battle. The first part anyway. And now the soundtrack in my head has stopped and the adrenaline is seeping out of my body to form a puddle on the floor leaving me tired. What now?
I hear the other voice in my head say “What do you mean? What now? You move on with your life.”
Oh.
I was having this conversation with myself in the shower this morning and I felt, really for the first time, sorry for myself. I don’t want these boobs. I wanted my old boobs that I could actually feel were a part of me.
Things tend to hit me later. I’ve always said that. Especially big things. When trouble arises, I put my head down and get down to business. Then, later I figure it all out emotionally.
Newsflash: I’m not made of Teflon. Or invincible. In fact, acting like a fool probably, we went roller skating on Sunday because the kids were DYING to go. I wanted to go. I felt good! I wanted to be there. With them. For them. I wanted to be present. They were so excited we were ALL skating. I wanted to couples skate and hold Peter’s hand.
And I did.
And it was really fun. So memorable.
I fell though. Hard. And now every time I breath, laugh or blow my nose my spine hurts. After roller skating I joked to Peter “I think I rearranged my innards when I fell!”
My mom said ‘What were you thinking!?!?’
That’s just it. I wasn’t thinking. I was “doing.” Something I hadn’t been able to do in a month. I’ll be fine. And I didn’t pop anything. I fell on my ass, not my boobs. (who does that? besides that girl Shavon with the horrible extensions on the mtv challenge show that I am too old to be watching.)
To add insult to injury I am due to start my period any day now. (look away gentleman readers…it gets very Judy Blume, very quickly)
Last month, it started --- I kid you not---3 minutes before I went into surgery. I was mortified and irritated. They gave me HUGE mesh boy shorts with a pad the size of a limo. Horrifying.
With lupus, for some reason days, sometimes even a week before my period begins, I flare. Horribly. Exhausted, achy skin, fluish. All of it. In addition to the normal things women experience like bitchiness, bitchiness and oh yeah, bitchiness.
SO…here I am today with my roller skating injury, wanting to rip my uterus out and weird rock like mounds on my chest.
Awesome.
I’m pissy.
I just wanted to say that. I don’t want to present a false image of myself as this girl who can handle it all. I can’t. Especially today. And so, I will be good to myself and treat myself tenderly and with care.
That is all.
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10 comments:
Hmmm. Well, if you would like some company - I am in the same monthly boat as of today. Surrounding me in my studio is a huge pile of tampons, advil, fruit gummies, chocolate and BBQ chips - I am hot, sweaty and cannot suck my stomach in for the life of me. For some reason beyond me, I wore a pretty fitted T-shirt today - ugh. I am tired, my coworkers are driving me nuts. I have actually counted how many times one - who shall go unnamed - has paced back and forth behind me...I am ready to:
a. trip him with my own foot
b. stab him with the scissors I am using
c. make some bitchy remark, like, "Pace much?"
d. all of the above
And I am supposed to go to a lobster boil (?) tonight. I just want to crawl in bed and call it done for the day... It is just one of those freakin' days.
I love how you share the ups and downs of your experience. As you well know, we all have days when we kick ASS and other days when we can barely get up from a TV show we're too old to be watching to grab a food item we shouldn't be eating. Serious extra credit, though, to experiencing those highs and lows with surgical incisions, lupus and periods, for God's Sake.
As always, you beautifully express feelings we can all relate too.
Here is reason #304 why were sisters separated from birth: This morning, my cramps R-A-D-I-A-T-E-D my body. To the point of pure oblivion and cold sweats everywhere. Then, I felt like I was going to pass out. The only thing that popped into my head was, you're a baby...Emily is the rock start, suck it up.
I miss you and I wish I was there to cheers you and watch reality TV with you. I want to gossip in your kitchen over yummy tea and honey and finish each other sentences when talking about celebrity juice. I want to buy Miss Joan new shoes and for her to tell me "These rock Tay" and have Finny wear me out. I want to snuggle Atticus and decide what we want Dave to buy us from the new J. Crew catalog.
Great, now I'm crying at school. Ugh, when can I see you?
PS Your hair looks fantastic in that pic.
Yeah, but at least your hair looks great!
I kinda sorta know what you mean. I do pretty well myself most days...the day I am caught at my desk crying by a co-worker I feel awkward...most people think I am so strong. But heck, I don't really care. You are human and not like you said made from teflon. Feel your emotions-others wish they could do the same with their own.
There was a time in my life when I hated for someone to tell me, "You're only human" like that was some kind of comfort, when "only human" wasn't what I'd been aiming for, AT ALL. But I'm better adjusted now, and I know it's accurate: We can't be superstars, tough cookies and butt-kickers ALL of the time. You get full credit for these past weeks of ass-rainbows, and praise God you're letting the sorrow come through. I do believe that's the only way to ensure you'll be able to resume full butt-kickery in the future. I continue to applaud you (even while I am sorry that recovery is so tough). Now I've got to go someplace where nobody's recovering from cancer so that I can complain about my head cold.
You are awesome. That is all. - J
Emily. You will be back to your sunny self, or at least a watered down version. I just know it. You will again feel strong, in control, and on top of the world. Just a low point, don't forget to look up. You are absolutely amazing, bad days and all. You have quickly become incredibly important to me.
Emily - Just checking in on you and wanted to send you a real comment. My last remark was when I was still typing with one hand (long story). As always, I want to take your post and cut and paste it on my own blog. You so eloquently express feelings we can all relate to. I hope your Rocky soundtrack is back, sooner rather than later. PS Chocolate? I am no doctor, but I am pretty sure it has miracle healing properties.
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