Put up your imaginary dukes

I am recovering well but tired, tired, tired. Saw the doc yesterday and all is well. He said I’m in the “Cinderella” phase because everything is swollen and looks plump and happy. As the swelling subsides, we’ll see what lurks.

They have me in this little number 24/7, except mine doesn’t zip up the front, it has a zillion little eye and hook fasteners. Awesome. It’s always coming unfastened and I have to close all of those tiny little hooks up again like some weird corset torture device.

Currently, I’m free-boobing it (I will be trade marking that) as I wash the thing. They really should give you two for crying out loud.

No pain meds but there is a dull aching. Perhaps some ibuprofen.

Ok, so on to my question of the day.

Do you ever have imaginary fights with people in your head? Mkay. I do. Occasionally.

Ok.

More frequently than that.

The latest is about…what else? My boobs.

It will be obvious to others that these perky suckers are not my own. They are high and pert and perfectly round. Hence, not the boobs belonging to a bedraggled, mother of two, anxiety ridden, 36 year old woman. Especially in a yoga top. I laughed when I put one on yesterday. BOOBS McGhee!

I know this is all ridiculous but bear with me….

So, in this pretend fight, which in my head happens somewhere I am wearing yoga clothes but also somewhere where an ignorant, judgmental person would be spewing venom so…who knows where we are.

Anyway…

The topic of boobs comes up (this person not knowing my situation) and I am ridiculed by said person for being a vain a-hole caught up with looks who would get a boob job just to look better.

This! This, my friends, is where I FREAK OUT! First of all, WHO CARES! I’ll do what I like with my body. Secondly, there is a full on snotty, finger pointing tirade at said person about how I HAD CANCER YOU FUCKER!!!!!!!!!

A-hem.

I know the answer. The answer is always “who cares what other people think?”

And you’re right. Or, I’m right. Er-

Who cares what other people think?

That’s it.

There are judgers everywhere, behind every corner, and certainly judging anything and everything they can about the way I live my life. Nothing I can do about it.

More than anything I just wanted to bring up the fight in your head thing because it can’t be only me. Well, I know someone else who suffers from this affliction but she’s related to me so that doesn’t count. We have crazy in our blood.

Here’s another example:

Coming home from surgery last Wednesday, it was freezing, blustery and dark. It was snowing and cold. Peter is driving me home and I’m hopped up on drugs and pain free. I see a woman holding a sign. I don’t even know what the sign says but I quickly deduce that she isn’t a scammer. A scammer wouldn’t stand in the cold.  I say “give me $5” to Peter. He does.

As we’re pulling up to her and I’m rolling down my window to give this woman money, the light turns green. The useless human being behind me HONKS. Loudly. Angrily.

Now, it wasn’t like I stayed to have a smoke with the woman. I handed her $5 said “Stay Warm” and we sped off. Yet this person, who I called “he” and turned out to be a “she” HONKED.

Really?

Wow.

She and I have been at it for days in my head.

Please forward any and all therapist recommendations my way.

In the meantime, have you heard/seen 2009 DJ Earworm remix? oh, delicious pop music…it’s like a sugary, poptastic IV straight into my veins…

 

Also, I will leave you with this fantastic tidbit from 30Rock.

Tina Fey says to Alec Baldwin “Why are you wearing a tuxedo?”

To which he replies “It’s after 6 – I’m not a farmer.”

7 comments:

Mel | January 12, 2010 at 12:53 PM

I must admit...I get into imaginary fights, but never in my head. You may see me driving down I-25 talking nonstop to myself...most likely I am in an imaginary fight!

The Wife | January 12, 2010 at 12:56 PM

I enact fights/conversations/confrontations in my head all the time. Helps me prepare my potential responses and get over most problems I have that are the source of my need to practice said encounter...then I can let it all go. most of the time. But, I think the rehearsals are entirely useful and not at all freaky! Just call me "Mr. Collins."

Taylor | January 12, 2010 at 3:03 PM

I am having an imaginary fight in my head right now with my internship supervisor. PS corset is hot and I think I hate the women you so describe. Judgmental little bitches....

Emily | January 12, 2010 at 8:11 PM

not only do I have fake fights in my head, I get so wrapped up in the argument that I move my lips and give dirty looks that express whatever I'm feeling. The facial movements really put the crazy lady swizzle on it. My husband often asks "who are you fighting with?".

Sheri Nugent | January 13, 2010 at 8:23 AM

I used to be absolutely tortured in my own head with all the fights I had with imaginary (or real) people. To the point where it was making me grouchy all the time. I had to "take care of the problem" -one small antidepressant per day and the angry voice - my angry inner roommate - stays quiet more often than not. Works for me. But I reserve the right to be pissed off when someone (like the honking bitch) deserves my wrath.

Anna | January 13, 2010 at 8:28 AM

Totally do the inside-my-head fighting all the time. Often, it's where I have much better declarations and comebacks than in real confrontations because, unlike outside my head, the other person reads from the script I've given them. I still can't get people outside my head to read from my script. :)

Confessions of a Mother, Lawyer & Crazy Woman | January 13, 2010 at 10:51 AM

YES!!!!!! My practice used to tame that side of me, but now? I need to rein it in, hourly.

BOOBS McGhee! Ha - others will just be jealous! Especially in that yoga top. Others may include me ... whose yoga top is sadly not as pert these days.

So kind of you to give that person $5. Warmed my heart. Karma owes you some good things very very soon. ( :