More than you ever wanted to know about my twin towers

More than you ever wanted to know about my twin towers

I find myself thinking about people who go through trauma and don’t have a support system. It makes me sad. And feel extremely fortunate for those around me.

For those of who have left a comment, sent me something, said something, sent a card, cooked a meal, anything…I give you the most sincere thank you. You gladden my heart. Without your support my soul would have withered.

I am doing ok. This is no picnic. It’s scary and painful and incredibly emotional.  The pain is bizarre and it feels like a 300 lb man is sitting on my chest making it harder for me to breath. I do my breathing exercises every day, slowly gaining in my ability to take bigger breaths.

I am trying to be “normal” again and keep getting yelled at by Peter for “doing too much”. I am not supposed to be reaching, or lifting and don’t think I can drive for another week and a half or something.

I walked down to the bus stop today to meet Hadley and was met by the smiling faces of my neighborhood gals. (holla!) It felt good to be normal for a minute. To know that I won’t always feel this defective.

The drains are quite honestly the worst part. They will probably come out on Thursday. (fingers crossed) A 20” tube comes out of my body on each side and has a bulb on the bottom to collect the fluid. We used to have to “strip” (empty) the drain and  empty the bulb and then measure it, on both sides, 3 times a day. Oh, fun times. Now, we just have to do it once a day.

More than once I have stumbled to the bathroom in the middle of the night and forgotten about the drains as I stepped out of bed. I can’t even explain the pain of them falling to the floor, yanking at the sore entry point on my sides. (They tell you to pin them to your clothes but I can’t sleep in clothes so they just lay next to me.) I crumple to the floor and yelp out in pain and try to breath. Then gather up my damn drains and take myself to pee, cursing the whole way. It’s creepy the way they just come out of my body. You can feel them on the inside too. As much pain as this crap has caused, the medical/scientific aspect of it is so interesting.

My breasts actually don’t look too gruesome. For some reason I thought it would look like a wild animal attack or something. But there are just two little lumps with about a 5 inch scar across them. No nipple. They do not look or feel like mine. They just feel foreign and hard and lumpy. Doc says that will change and I’ll be more comfortable with the saline implants. (He will fill the expanders with saline weekly for about 3 months. Then we wait 3 months. THEN he puts in the saline implants.)

I do miss my old breasts. I mourn them occasionally but then try to quickly move on to my “new normal”. This pain won’t last forever.

I am taking so many medications that my darling PGP had to make an excel spreadsheet to track meds and time meds are given. I am also giving myself an injection of lovenox (blood thinner) every day to avoid blood clots.

Yeah, it’s a big old party around here. It’s like “Drugstore Cowboy” but different. Strangely, lupus has been on vacation during this time. Or at least very very quiet. I’m expecting that bitch to come waltzing back to the party shortly with a cocktail in one hand talking about “Did I miss anything??”

And for those who say “What doesn’t kill you will make you stronger.” I say after this I better be one bad ass motherfucker. I’m talking about being able lift cars and chop cement in half.

One thing that has been making me happier than I ever thought it would is that I rented both seasons of Pushing Daisies. Seen it? Isn’t that the most darling, visually appealing, interesting, quirky, uplifting show you’ve ever seen? It is intoxicating and has been making me happy. It also has been making me want to bake pies and dress like Chuck. And I was near tears when Kristin Chenoweth won the Emmy for best supporting actress. She deserved it!

Still on the daily search seeking out little things that make life brighter and make me smile. I’m proud to have Peter holding my hand every step of the way. He’s been making me laugh a lot lately.  Truthfully, I’ve never been more in love with him than I am right now.