Dragging Me Down Again

Dragging Me Down Again

Perhaps the week is catching up with me. Perhaps my reprieve is over. Perhaps that lupus bitch overheard me yesterday at a cafe telling KDH I felt pretty good. Obviously, that’s not ok, so during the night she slithered into my bed and attacked my body as I slept.

Is that weird that I humanize lupus? I sort of enjoy it. Lupus IS a villain. Why not humanize her? If only to entertain myself. And she’s a she, of course, because a man could not embody this enigmatic, devious, cruel, transient disease the way a woman could. At least in my mind. Also, the thought of a male disease repressing me is too aggravating.

Anyway, my long rambling point, is that I don’t feel well.

I’ve hit the wall. Every single time it happens,  I try to run down what was the cause of this flare. (the weather? did I do too much? What did I eat?) It’s maddening. Stress is a huge component. Who lives without stress? And as of late, I have had my fair share. I’m over doctors offices and tests and poking and prodding. I’m over the anxiety these tests unfurl upon me, and the places it takes my brain.

Oy.

Been listening to this album lately and only today did I think “Hey, that’s my song”…

Hit the Wall

I’ve got 500 reasons to get upset,

but I’d rather laugh it off and go and make a mess.

Gotta whole lot of demons acting up in my head but I refuse to cut a deal just yet

Oh no, when the world is dragging me down again

Yes, I know, yes, I know, I can turn things around my friend

But I hit the wall again

I hit the wall again

No more imagining

Think I hit the wall again

I don’t know how it started or how it’s gonna end

But I feel it rising, rising, rising

And no more money for the penny arcade it never stopped me from playing

I haven’t found my way across this wild terrain it never stopped me from dreaming

oh no, weight of the world is dragging me down again

Yes, I know, yes, I know, I can turn things around my friend

But I hit the wall again

I hit the wall again

No more imagining

I hit the wall again

-- “Hit the Wall” Elizabeth and the Catapult

 

My mood sort of matches the weather. It’s like Fall here. Chilly, rainy and dark. Reminds me of Seattle. Meanwhile, in Seattle, my friends are frying in the 100 degree heat! Except EVM, who is reveling in it somewhere. I can feel her smiling. Stay cool the rest of you!

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Partially Empty Nest

Partially Empty Nest

Peter is in Seattle this week and Hadley is in Asheville NC.

HJ made it safely into Grammy and Bompie’s loving arms, which allowed me to breath again. She, or course, was fine and the flight was fine. When we talked to her that night said said “So, how ARE you?” like we were the 7 year olds who had flown 3 hours across the country for the first time.

Peter and I laughed.

We asked her what she did on the flight and she said “I mostly listened to music and drew.”  Peter gave her his iPod shuffle and I loaded it with music she loves.

Then she said she had to go because she and her cousin were catching fireflies.

Getting.Bigger.Every.Minute.

As if to punish myself I have been looking at pictures of her when she was teeny tiny.

I knew from our first few moments together that she would be fine in life. That sounds so cliché but I really did. Even as a very very small person, she gave off this aura of “Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.”

My little rare bird.

So, it’s just me and Finn here.

He is at school in the morning every day. So I have all of this time.

I am relishing it and trying not to busy myself doing every little thing. I’m recharging for our trip on Sunday and just generally taking it easy.

It has been so cool to have Finn all to myself. We have been playing and it is so good for HIM to be in charge. For HIM to come up with ideas and execute them. Normally, sister holds tightly onto her control over him and basically he does whatever she says.

Plus, with all of my attention focused on him, he’s being SO GOOD!

Having it be just be the two of us, I often find myself staring at him. Taking in all of the fabulous things that make him Finn.

This morning he said to me (again) while eating his breakfast, without looking up, “Mom, stop staring at me. You keep staring at me.”

I told him “I’m staring at you because I love you and I think you’re great.”

“Oh” he says “ok, but stop staring at me.”

 

PS- Big ups to PGP for fixing my spacing problem!! Yippeee!

 

*drawing by patricia dorr parker

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She’s Cool Like that

She’s Cool Like that

Hadley is leaving tomorrow morning to go to Asheville, NC to spend a week with the grandparents and cousins . They call it “Camp Grammy and Bompie”.  I always express my surprise that they would WANT to take on 4 children by themselves. My m-in-law assures me that they are BETTER when they are not with the parents. I hope that’s true.

Peter, Finn and I will fly into town August 2 to spend some time there and fly home with Hadley on the 5th.

She is flying alone to Charlotte, NC where they will pick her and another cousin up and then drive to Asheville.  On TOP of the ticket price, you must pay an additional $100 each way for an unaccompanied minor. (!!!)

They better pet her and hand feed her the entire time.

She went to Seattle alone in July 2008 to stay with Taylor, but Lori flew to Denver to accompany Hadley back to Denver. And then Peter was in Seattle so he flew home with her. Look at her. Cool as a cucumber.

Anxiety is high in these parts with me tonight. I have visions of eating Ativan like Smarties.

I’m surprised at my anxiety levels actually, because I’m a pretty easy going parent. I don’t hover. I encourage independence and thinking for herself. I don’t tend to worry about things most parents lose sleep over.

This is just really big to me. I was pacing around this afternoon as the hours kept passing, trying to keep busy and not think about it. I was distracted and a bit irritated. Shaky almost.

It reminded me of the day I got married and how anxious my Dad was. I didn’t realize it at the time.

For some reason, I was alone with my mom and dad and we were at their house. We were all in their bedroom, a lovely memory of the three of us on their bed. My Dad was acting this same way. He was grumpy and distracted. Irritable and aloof. Which, if you knew Roger Padden, was NOT him at all.

I’m smiling now remembering it because I kept saying “Are you ok, Dad?”

I know now he was worried and anxious.

As am I.

It’s cool to come full circle and identify with your parents as fellow parents and not just big people put in your life to embarrass you and tell you NO all of the time.

It’s a big thing, this “letting go” business. I am ALL for it. It doesn’t mean it makes it any easier.

I would be surprised if Hadley knew of my anxiety as I have given nothing away. From me there has been nothing but nonchalance and talk of the awesomeness of it all.

I’ve encouraged that fully. I have always wanted my baby girl to have big, beautiful, strong wings. I want nothing more for her than to soar.

Luckily, there is NO confidence lacking with our Hadley Joan as evidenced by this pic I took of her this morning at Finn’s karate class. She came downstairs dressed like this and kept the sunglasses on inside the whole time. You can’t see the rest of the outfit but it was a long dress, jeweled sandals, complete with a bracelet that she turned into an anklet. She’s not posing, she was really standing there like that. (shaking my head laughing) Will I regret that I think this is hysterical and do nothing to discourage it?

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La Dolce Sorella

La Dolce Sorella

 

 

This picture is of me and Meg circa 1978 probably. I have it on my refrigerator and look at it every day because it makes me happy.

You’re coveting my Mork and Mindy suspenders, aren’t you?

I love my sister’s blog. Have you read it? You should. I read it and smile and nod and think “Wow.Isn’t she great?” I wish I remembered moments the way she does. Or how she describes the mundanity of life so beautifully.

I’m so glad she’s my sister. If she weren’t my sister, I would desperately want her to be my friend and then we could sit around having cocktails, talking about how we wish we were sisters.

Isle of View, Meginski.

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Note to self: Sun = Misery

Note to self: Sun = Misery

So tomorrow is my birthday. I’ll be 36.

I am SUCH a birthday person and usually I am giddy with anticipation. Not this year though. I keep wondering why.
I’ve been distracted a lot and then yesterday I had to go and do something really really dumb.

It all plays out in my mind in slow motion. I knew better. I know better. It just happened. I’m so one of those people who has to learn something 100 times before it sticks.

I volunteered to work at the carnival at Finn’s darling school. I show up and see my assigned booth and there it is, in the sun. Not even just a little bit. COMPLETELY IN THE SUN. It was about 90 degrees.

The voice in my head said “you can’t do this.”

Another voice (don’t worry, they’re all mine) said “You’ll be fine.”

I didn’t want to make a fuss. There was so much going on already. Everyone bustling around doing their jobs. Kids squealing with delight. The popcorn popping. It was so sweet.

I just wanted to be normal.

I had sunscreen on and I thought “It’s only for a little while. I’ll be fine.”

I stood there at this booth, handing bean bags to little people so they could knock a cat down for 2 hours. In 90 degree Colorado heat. Straight sun. I was fine doing it, energized by the parents and sweet children. But I knew I would pay. Somewhere I hoped I wouldn’t have to though. That perhaps THIS time, I’d be fine.

Wrong.

I dragged all afternoon. I developed some weird puffy hives on my face that itched. I felt like I was walking through quicksand with concrete legs and I didn’t really have energy to form complete sentences.

My husband sat me down and made the most delicious salad for me. I ate it and moaned occasionally about how good it was and the goodness of Peter. I could fill a book with all of the goodness of Peter.

I couldn’t go to my book club last night, which really pissed me off because it was my fault. AND it was Sedaris’ brilliant book that I had all marked up and was ready to chat about with these smart girls.

I went to bed at 9.

This morning Peter left to take the kids to camps at 8am. I went back to bed and woke up at 12:30.

At 4:15, I am lying in bed again after having to pick up kids.

My bed is my sanctuary. I love the big white vastness of it and the comfort of luxe sheets.

My house is a total and complete mess. I don’t have any energy to fix it.

Argh.

I will go to bed early tonight and hope that tomorrow I will be better. We are going to the always delightful Potager for dinner and I would like a lovely evening filled with friends and good food. There is one magical table in the back garden that is hard to get. Peter and I are going at 5 to try to snag it. Wish us luck.

++++++++++

Things that are delighting me lately:

• BOTH children on skates now constantly skating around the house. While it is a tad annoying, I love the active part of it. They make obstacle courses and have races. Ah..the merits of all hardwoods downstairs. Plus, they are getting really good!
• This blog that Taylor’s dear Aunt Sheri introduced me too. It’s absolutely riveting and I love the idea. For 52 weeks, this girl will follow a different person’s directions for the entire week. I’m not explaining it well. Read about it here. Plus, you can’t help but fall in love with this girl. And her name is Emily, which you know comes from the Latin word meaning “kick ass”. It has inspired me in so many different ways. Can’t help but love that.
• I love discovering new music. There’s nothing like the first stages of band love where you just can’t get enough. 
• Spraying Moondance Botanicals lavender spritzer everywhere. Refreshing and relaxing.

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Don’t Shoot The Messenger

Don’t Shoot The Messenger

Hadley is ADAMANT about having a messenger bag next year for second grade. She has VERY specific ideas about what she wants. She also hates everything we have seen. Except this:

She looooooves this and makes this weird, excited panting sound when she sees it.

It’s not that I don’t like it. I just want her to go a BIT more femme.

These were my suggestions:

She turns her head and puts her nose in the air.

No PINK! She says. None!

I try to spell out the good points of each of the ones I like. “But look at the beautiful design on this one! And this one has a drawing like something you would do! OooOO! This one has safety pins on it!”

Nope. Don’t like it, Mom.

She lights up again seeing this:

(shaking my head laughing)

Oh, Hadley.

I know for a fact all of the other little girlies will have nothing like this. They will all have their pinky pink or purple backpacks with their initials monogrammed on it. It’s not that I want that. I just don’t want her to stick out. She had a hard time with “the pixie cut of 2009” and I don’t her to be ridiculed. However, I don’t want to raise a follower either. I am proud of her for taking such a stance on something as silly as a backpack. Her sense of style and aesthetic is becoming so strong. I don’t want to squelch that.

So, if you see my darling, strawberry blond rare bird, you’ll be able to pick her out easily. She’ll be the one with the skull messenger bag.

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J’aime beaucoup

J’aime beaucoup

 

• Vermont extra sharp white cheese
• guzzling V-8
• listening to Phoenix constantly
• my newly planted flowers (zinnias! oh and my favorite plant I can’t kill – geraniums)
• purging stuff(I’m married to a pack rat. The crap he keeps BAFFLES me. I’m working on it. Must.Get.Rid.Of.All.Stuff.)
• feeling incredibly, blissfully grateful for days I feel good (I was down for the count most of the week. miserable.)
• the fact that my husband watched So You Think You Can Dance with me last night all snugged up on the couch. Such a sweet gesture and I appreciated it. (It was akin to torture for him.)
• Early evening cocktail of Izze Peach with Grey Goose. Throw in some raspberries too. (brilliant packaging. always love Izze.)
• Hand sewing a doll with Hadley yesterday out of old socks and tights. (Before you think “aw, how sweet!” I will have you know my little rare bird drove me to drink aforementioned early evening cocktail with all of her “I’m bored. Mooooom, I’m boooored. What else can we do? Huh? Mom? What else?” after we sewed that friggin doll for 3 hours.)
• my hair being long.
• Being a Padden

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Still Dreaming of a Bike and Enjoying Tumbling

Still Dreaming of a Bike and Enjoying Tumbling

Turns out KTM took pictures the other night at our bike riding escapade!! (pics 12, 15 & 16) I was elated, as my heart is still soaring from the episode. Disregard the fact that I’m wearing a long tube top dress and flip flops, please. I was not aware I would be riding a bike…until two cocktails advised me that it would be fun. And it was. Memories of childhood came crashing through my brain. Loved it. However, I’m not down with a helmet. It’s distracting and uncomfortable. I wanted to feel the wind in my hair. Thanks for the pics, KT!

I have started a Tumblr account. It’s yet another creative outlet. I don’t write much on it, which I like. A blog can be exhausting at times mentally. This is more of a collection of quotes and images that inspire.

Speaking of creative outlet, HJ and I busted out a craft yesterday that turned out quite well. I had a lot of Amy Butler fabric quilting squares that I bought from eBay. (WTF? don’t ask. I can’t sew and don’t know the first thing about quilting.) So we modge podged them to the top of a wooden IKEA children’s table. I’ll take a pic. when we’re done.

Feeling sluggish today and worried about a loved one’s broken heart. Its a shame we don’t have the power to fix everything, isn’t it?

Happy almost 4th of July. Go get some sparklers, Mrs. Jacobs.

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